Showing posts with label Yellow Journalism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Yellow Journalism. Show all posts

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Damn I'm Good

"Man, Nancy Grace and Greta van Susteren are just loving their lives right about now, don't you think?"
-Pulp, July 1, 2008

I don't even need to watch missing white woman news to know that it's going on. I think that qualifies as a super power. This interview Greta van Susteren conducted with Brooke Bennett's father happened before the feds found her body and allegation of a child sex ring came in to play, so I'm going to try to catch Fox and CNN in the next couple days to see how hysterical they are.

Of course Fox, ever eager to play both sides of a story, uses the most sexualized picture of a 12-year-old girl they can find. I don't know, something seems wrong with picking the picture of the girl in eyeshadow and consciously trying to appear older when you can use a picture that screams she's 12.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Good News For Fans Of Murder And Mayhem

Bad news for Newscorp's MySpace can still be good news for Newscorp's Fox News. Funny how that works.

As the FBI joined the search for a missing 12-year-old Vermont girl, state police on Friday released a surveillance video believed to show footage of one of the last glimses of Brooke Bennett before her disappearance.

State troopers had previously refrained from publicizing the footage from a security camera inside the Cumberland Farms store, where Brooke said she was meeting a female friend.

The tape shows the girl and her uncle walk into the shop, go to the register to buy something and then leave, each going in separate directions, with Brooke apparently walking away by herself.

She was seen about 45 minutes later inside the Randolph Village Laundromat, police said.

...

A major focus of the investigation was centered on her online activities.

"As we all know, warnings have gone out countless times, in this world that we live in today, there are folks that visit places, social networking spaces such as MySpace, whose intentions are not good. And they come from far away," said Baker.

Police want to hear from anyone who was in Randolph on Wednesday between 9:45 a.m. and 11 a.m., even if they don't think they saw anything, Baker said.

The girl was reported missing around 9 p.m. Wednesday after her uncle dropped her off at a convenience store about 12 hours earlier in Randolph, where she'd said she was going to meet a girlfriend to visit the friend's sick relative in the hospital.

But police believe that Brooke fibbed and may have been bound for a meeting with an unknown person whom she'd been communicating with on the social networking site MySpace.com.

Wait, since when is "fibbed" an acceptable word to use in news stories? In other white girl news, the Zodiac Killer is back (probably not)!

A symbol similar to one often left by the nefarious Zodiac killer of the 1960s was scrawled in lipstick on a mirror in the North Carolina hotel room where Army Spc. Megan Touma was found June 21, police said.

A letter sent to a local newspaper and published last week also contained the symbol, a circle with a cross through it.

"I will start using my role-model's signature," writes the author of the letter, which was posted on the Web site of the Fayetteville Observer.

...

Police questioned the letter's credibility, and believe the author's claim of being a serial killer was an attempt to mislead investigators and the media.

Man, Nancy Grace and Greta van Susteren are just loving their lives right about now, don't you think?

Thursday, June 26, 2008

In Its Defense, Let It Be Said Grand Theft Auto IV Is Fucking Amazing

Whoever had 57 in the "days between GTA IV release and heinous crime committed in its name", come and collect your money. From (who else) The Post:

A gang of six teens decided to take Grand Theft Auto IV from the television screens to the streets of Long Island, with a two-hour crime spree meant to copy the game's violent hero, cops said.

The game-crazed youth's real-life robbery romp featured such staples of the mega-popular game as a mugging, several break-ins and an attempted car-jacking at an intersection in tony Garden City, police said. "They decided they were going to go out to commit robberies and emulate the [lead] character Nico Belic in the particularly violent video game Grand Theft Auto,' said Nassau County Police Detective Lt. Raymond Cote. "These teens have difficulty separating fact from fiction, fantasy from reality . . . It was quite alarming.'

...

According to cops, the boys first mugged a man at a bus stop near the park, beat him and knocked out some teeth. They then broke into some sheds and garages, stole some bats and crowbars and met up with a few more teens to continue the spree.

The six then attempted to stage some carjackings in Garden City. But it was game over when one of their would-be victims - a 23-year-old woman in a 2008 BMW - called the cops, who quickly arrested them.

But how did the cops know this rampage was GTA inspired?

Police would not say specifically how they knew that the teens crimes were motivated by Grand Theft Auto, and not by some other motive. They said they discovered it during their investigation.

Maybe the Dolan-owned Newsday can shed some light on this issue:

The teens told detectives they were imitating the Grand Theft Auto video game series where players steal cars, beat up other characters and score points for committing crimes, authorities said.

Yep, Joe Lieberman is gonna looove this.

A Slow News Day Means It's Time To Embarass The Competition

Front Page

Click for News Click for full story
Sure The Post could have a cover story on the Supreme Court outlawing the death penalty for child rape, but they know New Yorkers waking p in the morning don't want some downer about liberal faggot judges who set pederasts loose on the street. They want tits. Big beautiful tits, preferably on a blonde. And if those tits happen to come on the torso of the competition's top foreign affairs reporter, all the better, because if you can't out-report'em, just embarass'em. I believe that maxim is carved in stone in front of Rupert Murdoch's mansion.

And if those tits happen to come on the torso Anyway, if you really need to know, the substance of the story, is, well, here read it for yourself:

The "60 Minutes" reporter and former swimsuit model apparently courted two beaus while she was in Baghdad, and has been labeled a homewrecker for allegedly destroying the marriage of a civilian contractor there, sources said.

Passions got so hot in the combat zone that one of her lovers, Joe Burkett, brawled in a Baghdad "safe house" with her other paramour, CNN war reporter Michael Ware, a source said.

The wife of Burkett, a US Embassy worker, claims the sultry 37-year-old correspondent seduced him while bullets flew overhead.

Burkett's wife, Kimberly, also accuses Logan of teaming up with him to take her 3-year-old daughter away, according to the source.

A close pal of Logan, who confirmed the allegations to The Post, said Burkett's marriage to Kimberly was already finished six months before they sparked up a relationship.

"She is not the cause of their divorce," the friend told The Post yesterday.

"It was going to happen."

Man does that ever sound exciting. Did she start pawing at his crotch while bullets literally whizzed by them? Did she whisper come ons in his ear while they escaped enraged militia members? Did she give him a hummer in a Humvee? Inquiring minds want to know you lazy fucks.

My personal favorite:

Yesterday, CBS announced, without a hint of irony, that she was given a new Washington assignment as chief foreign-affairs correspondent.

It's really awesome when you hire reporters with no sense of the English language. What could possibly be ironic about her being promoted? Did CBS have a strict "no boning in the war zone" policy? Someone please explain this to me.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Guess Who's Back, Back Again

A what an awesome day. How many days do both Andrea Peyser and David Brooks drop fresh new columns of bullshit? Yes, it's like Christmas in July. Only I'm Jewish. So I guess it's more like Hanukkah in August. And I don't know which present I want to open first...

SHIRTING THE ISSUE

Andrea Peyser, come on down!

HOW many ways can you define "suicidal"?

One.

The school hasn't even opened yet. But the hijab-wearing principal of a taxpayer-funded school founded especially for Arab students has issued a fatwa against the kids of New York.

Wow. All she had to do was throw "jihad" and "Ramadan" in that sentence and she'd have covered every Arabic word Americans know.

She said there is nothing wrong with intifada.

Realistically, there are probably many Muslims (Muslims, not Arabs) that agree with that statement. While the blowing up of Israeli civilians is not a just tactic, how else is a Palestinian supposed to rebel? Rock v. tank? Fuck, even with RPG v. tank I'd still like the tank.

But after a day of outrage and calls for her head, the principal, Dhabah "Debbie" Almontaser, apologized.

What a fiasco! It had to be orchestrated by - who else? - the city's Department of Education.

Who else would orchestrate her apology, Al-Qaeda? Of course! Those crafty devils...

The Post gave Almontaser every chance to condemn the shirts' message of armed struggle against the West. She didn't.

Instead, she defined "intifada" - whose meaning is as clear as the hole in the ground in lower Manhattan - as "shaking off."

About that...

"I think it's pretty much an opportunity for girls to express that they are part of New York City society . . . and shaking off oppression."

It begs the question - how are our girls oppressed? Does she mean they are put down by Western ideals of free speech, thought and religion?

Maybe because they're treated as inferiors to the point where America needs to determine whether or not it's "ready" to let a woman be president (see also: black people). And yes, I imagine Muslim girls are harassed in New York.

"This woman should not be principal of any school," Councilman Peter Vallone Jr. said. "This shirt should read, 'I promote terror and hate on a daily basis, and all I got for it is this lousy T-shirt.' "

First off all, I don't think that would fit gracefully on a t-shirt. It'd be very hard to read. Second, where the fuck were all these people fretting about "terror supporters" when Peter King was sucking up to the IRA?

I can only conclude that political correctness trumps self-preservation when it comes to education.

How many ways can you define stupidity?

Two.

Was David Brook's column dumber? Well, no, it was normally unremarkable and vapid, some trite shit about baby names from a man whose children I pity. Like I said, most of it is unremarkable, and in the context of our horrible world seems terribly out of place in the World's Most Important Paper. But there's this little gem:

A thing as seemingly superficial as a name can influence, even if slightly, the course of a whole life (which is why I’ve named my own children President, Laureate and Hedge Fund Manager).

Now, I know that's supposed to be a little chuckle for the hoi polloi as they sip their coffee eating breakfast off of their butler table, but I think it's also an insight in to the mind of David Brooks. Now, my future terrible kids can do whatever the hell they want, provided they stay out of jail and out of my wallet. For some reason, Brooks puts Hedge Fund Manager on the same plateau as the fucking President and priceless literary talent.

Keeping in the Hanukkah theme, the oil lamp of stupidity has kept burning today. Witness Josh Gibson and Fred Phelps carrying out their own versions of compassionate conservatism and decency.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

Peyser's Still Pissed

Maybe you remember our friend, top-notch investigative reporter Andrea Peyser? Well guess who showed up in my press clips this morning? If you answered George Foster, you are incorrect. Andrea is back with a reasoned critique of the media in the age of terrorism.

Iran's Network Spews
Someone tell me what that means, please. Is it a pun? An incomplete sentence?

The government of Iran is not only dangerously volatile, the nuke-loving regime has developed a twisted sense of humor.
Number of nukes in America: 5,375 active, 9,960 total. Holy shit that is a lot of nuclear weapons.
Number of nukes in Iran: None. That we know of. But I know for damn sure there aren't 10,000 of them.

For the last two days, I've been watching PressTV, Iran's brand-new, state-run foray into 24-hour broadcast news. As if the world needed any more anti-Western propaganda than what's already generated by CNN and the BBC.
How is it that CNN, a network that employs a former AIPAC lobbysit in Wolf Blitzer and rabid immigrant basher Lou Dobbs is seen as liberal? Do I need to call myself something other than liberal to not be associated with these assholes? Or can everyone stop being so lazy and accusing a network owned by an arch-capitalist billionaire and another one with a royal charter from the goddamn Queen of England of being anti-Western? I like the second one.

Since it started beaming itself - in English - to the world via satellite on Monday, PressTV has been the news freak's antidote to reality, streaming a nonstop flow of news abuse, Arab-world victimhood, sports and the weather report in Tehran and New York.

"America Planning a Coup on Saudi Arabia!" warned one of the interchangeable, and humorless, women concealed by a lifeless gray or brown Arabic headscarf.
Fashion critic and media critic. Andrea Peyser is a modern Renaissance woman.

"Israeli Tank Kills Family!" declares a man with a distinct American accent.
Tanks, as we all know, do not kill. They were invented to deliver teddy bears to blind orphans.

Accessing the station on the Internet, I was assaulted by PressTV's far-flung correspondents and purely accidental acquaintance with the truth.
Says the woman who works for the New York Post.

People recognizable on the other side of the pond for conspiracy theories - such as journalist Kevin Cahill, who believes the British government and CIA teamed up to assassinate a Conservative member of Parliament in 1979 - give the broadcast an air of pseudo-authority.
The CIA has never had any assassination plans. Ever.

When it was launched Monday by Iran prez Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the station presented itself as an alternative to Western-biased news. But all it does is promote the insanity of Iran: Hamas is good, Fatah bad. Hezbollah good. And America might as well cease to exist.
Also insane: calling Iraq, Iran and North Korea the Axis of Evil. Starting a pre-emptive war with no strategy. Knocking out a country's two biggest rivals and expecting it to not assert itself. Making up a new branch of government. Using pancake mix that isn't Aunt Jemima.

I watched a feature story titled "Iran, Land of Religion," promoting the country as being good to its Christians, Jews and Zoroastrians, as the camera stopped, for a long time, on a picture of yarmulke-wearing, praying Jews. See, we won't kill you!
I saw a show once about a lady who spied on her neighbors and then had sex with them. The camera often stopped for a long time on boobs. Wish I knew where I was going with this.

During the many times I was knocked off the channel - this is one busy network - I read PressTV's Web site. In case you missed the message on the TV channel, the site tells you who the bad guys are.

About the terror plots in Britain, "Is it really the al Qaeda who launched this attack or is it another interested party framing the Muslim nation by pointing the finger of blame at a terrorist group shunned by the Muslims?" read an unsigned report.

Another article blames the United States and Israel for stirring up violence between Fatah and Hamas in Gaza.

"Washington's fingerprints are all over the chaos that has hit Palestinians and the last thing they need now is an envoy called Blair."
You know, to be fair, one of the reasons for this chaos is because the Western countries helping keep the Palestinian Authorities above ground cut off the funding they were providing. They have every right to, but they still did it. Also, why exactly would Israel and the US not help Fatah against Hamas? They're much more corrupt and easy to control.

Wait a minute. That piece came out of The Guardian newspaper - in Britain.

PressTV is in good company.
Whaaaaaaa? I am literally in shock. Andrea Peyser has shocked me. It's like I'm one of those rich snobs from Caddyshack who are flummoxed by Rodney Dangerfield's wacky antics. My mouth is agape and my monocle has fallen into my champagne. That she ended her report this way proves again that Andrea Peyser is just as dangerous with a pen as she is with a double sided katana.

Monday, April 9, 2007

Fuck You Jimmy Kimmel

You know what the title of this video is on the YouTube? "Kimmel Takes on Gawker Stalker". Eat a dick buddy, with linguine and a nice vodka sauce maybe.

This was covered by Deadspin and The Hater, but I'm just as important as them, right? That cowardly little jumping should only be reserved for Karl Rove types, not ridiculous celebrity website editors. You would think Gawker killed Princess Di the way Emily Gould was treated.

But no, instead we find Gawker's real crime: posting a story about Jimmy Kimmel being drunk. But see, he wasn't. Don't you people have any shame?

If the segment was solely about GawkerStalker and it's potential dangers I wouldn't care. But how could Jimmy Kimmel, host of the roast of Pamela Anderson possibly complain about cheap jokes?

No, Jimmy Kimmel was just being a bully and letting off steam from a post over six months old where one person somewhere said he was drunk. Mr. Host of the Man Show is a picture of sobriety.

When Jimmy Kimmel shows up in hell, I'm gonna slap him in the mouth. I hope someone texts about it.

Friday, February 2, 2007

The Love Inc. Yearly Review

This week, somewhere else in existence, the Cupid is gave his yearly speech as CEO and Founder Love, Inc. Cupid started the company in 1979 as an economics student at the University of Wisconsin. Transcripts have been provided by Daniel ”Tex” Cohen. He risked his life to return with these reports.

Hello! Fiscal year 2006 was the most successful year for Love, Inc. as we continued to provide for all of your romantic needs. It was all because of the YOU! You were the one who stayed up late at night, hovering over the robotic humans from the tops of trees, in the back of libraries, on the shores, on the streets, in the down, dirty bars where the loveless scum of that we call Earth decompose, striking them with harsh and sophisticated arrows so that they could give meaning to life. I am so very proud.

I’d like to thank our archers, whose genetic arrow placement rate in the past year was 92%. That is a record, people! The right people are falling love everywhere.

Our producers, of course, did a fantastic job. You put out more arrows than ever before, with stronger acidic gels, frustrating the humans into near suicide as the newly-developed co-dependence slipped into their skin.

Quality Assurance has been tip-top in creating productive sales seminars and promotional management. They have recorded over 2000 romantic encounters this year and their criticisms have been heard and welcomed. Verbatim maneuvers are sounding more and more consistent.

Human resources made some great hires this year, and the extended health plan for child deities is including the lowest deductible imaginable. I noticed that was a concern for many of you. Your plan will be different than last year.

I’m also aware of a request from the Employees Council for a change in the Personal Days Structure. I have heard you. I will put together a team starting in May to discuss and effectively ensure personal days off for all of our work staff.

Our referral fees have boosted the profit shares for each and everyone one of our employees. We have made millions off the diamond companies and the greeting cards market still owes us over 30% of their profits from last year. Your portion of the companies profits from last year alone will be issued as a $300 bonus gift certificate for nectar and ambrosia at any participating Zeusville Foodmart. You’ve earned it, people. I’ve seen plenty of hustle in those wings this year.

My fellow employees, we do a great service to mankind, what with drugging them with aphrodisiacs so that they bump like bunnies and all. This is the midst of our busiest and most effective season. Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and I want to let you all in on a little secret…

We are going to be number one at the end of the year. All the other commercial holidays will look up to us. We will leave Christmas in our dust and Memorial Day far in the rearview mirror.

I love all of you.