Showing posts with label Mailbag. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mailbag. Show all posts

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Ze Mailbag; Where Have You Gone, Gay-Rod?

As the spike in the national suicide rate over the past month indicates, our loyal readers have clearly missed the hugely popular mailbag feature. Now, naturally, I've been very busy during my recent hiatus from the blog, but have decided to return to doing what I do best; being smarter than you. Lets go to the mail bag...

Yo Bushido,
Looks like A-Rod's back at it again, hitting meaningless April home runs and padding his stats early on so that his inevitable choking down the stretch doesn't taint his precious numbers. What a bum, right?
Cleon, Astoria, New York

Cleon,
What have you been smoking? I hate the Yanks as much as the next guy, but to sit here and diminsh what A-Rod has been doing this season is just plain silly. Yes, his home runs are coming early in the season, but early in the season is when pitchers are supposed to be (at least theoretically) ahead of the hitters, and given the cold weather and the numbers of other "power hitters," there is simply no way to say that this start is anything short of amazing. Now, he's naturally going to slump at some point, but unless he gets hurt, I don't see A-Rod cooling off that much. In other words, sit back, shut up, and whether you hate the Yanks or love them, enjoy what Rodriguez is doing; this could be the type of season that you tell your grandkids about.

Hello Bushido,
What the bloody hell is going on with the Gunners? A disappointing season, potential AMERICAN ownership, and Arsene Wenger still insisting that he isn't going to go out and sign world class players. Its enough to make a chap gag on his eel pie.
Winston, Manchester, England

Firstly, the sight of eel pie should be enough to make a person gag; Arsenal should have nothing to do with it. But that being said, it has been a strange year for the Gunners. Early exits from all the top competitions and a likely fourth place finish are bad enough, but made that much worse by the turmoil surrounding the clubs changes on the business end and, naturally, the fact that Arsene is still to concerned with looking smarter than everyone else to go out and spend big money on a top player. But you see, Winston, this is why American ownership is not necessarily the worst thing for the club. Singular ownership makes a single person accountable, and in turn makes everyone answer to the same person. More to the point, Arsenal is in serious debt from the Emirates Stadium project, and could certainly use a cash infusion, particularly from an owner with a winning pedigree. Kroenke oversaw the Rams reign as the greatest show on turf, the Avalanche's second Stanley Cup, and a string of competitive Nuggets teams. At this point, and given the fact that things may not get much better next season unless Wenger is willing to make some sweeping changes, Arsenal could do a lot worse.

Yo Bushido,
THE KNICKS...THE FUCKING KNICKS...ARRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
(unsigned)
Ever since the Knicks fell out of contention this season, I have been getting a lot of mail about the state of the franchise. However, I felt this anonymous letter best summed up the feelings of the fan base. In short, if the lottery balls bounce the wrong way, lock your doors and shut your windows, because roving gangs of homicidal Knicks fans will likely be controlling the streets in a scene reminiscent of The Road Warrior. Its easy to understand why Zeke made the Eddy Curry trade; he thought that the Knicks wouldn't be in the lottery during these last two seasons, and that the swap would likely only involve moving down 1 or 2 spots, if at all. However, it is impossible to understand why he felt this way. Certainly some felt that Larry Brown would bring the franchise back to the playoffs, but anyone who felt he would do it in his first season, with a squad full of rookies and role players, had watched Hoosiers one time too many. The fact is, the Knicks have a good center, but may have surrendered a true franchise player in the process if they lad a spot in the top three. And even though the Knicks are a young, talented team which should compete for a playoff spot next season, if Greg Oden or Kevin Durant suit up for the Bulls next year, there will likely be a major backlash from Knicks fans (who know, as the commercial said), one which could cost Zeke his job if Dolan gets up from his mound of cocaine long enough to notice the reality of this franchise, not that I see that happening any time soon.

In short, it's enough to make a man gag on his eel pie.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Ze Mailbag, She is Full!

It might surprise you, but despite the lack of comments this blog actually gets mullions of readers a day. Our readers are a fanatical lot who in turn send us tens of millions of emails, even more than our army of chimpanzee mail room clerks can handle. Now, in the past, our policy was to respond to these e-mails by sending an 8 x 10 photo of 70's teen heartthrob David Cassidy signed by Ush, but following our quality control meeting last week, we have decided to instead respond to some choice emails right here on the blog. Enjoy.

Hey Bushido,
I read somewhere that the Mets have a super old rotation and that because they failed to give Barry Zito everything he wanted they are going finish in last place. This is true, right?
Rich, Wahpeton, North Dakota

You know what, I read somewhere that people in North Dakota are fucking morons, but until today, I wasn't positive that it was true. Do the Mets have two old pitchers in their rotation? Yes. But while El Duque may fit the prototypical mold for an old pitcher who is going to break down (though really, he has been old and breaking down since the 1930's), Tom Glavine has shown himself to be ageless, and should cruise past 300 wins this season while posting excellent numbers. Beyond that, the Mets have three pitchers in their 20's (as it seems clear that Mike Pelfrey will be in the rotation), and while none of them are as "good" (read: hyped) as Barry Zito, none of them cost $100 mil for 7 years, and all of them are solid enough pitchers. Factor in that the Mets may get Pedro back for the late season stretch, and that they have dealable prospects (thanks in part to the fact that they didn't trade Milledge for Zito) who will likely be used to pick up a starter at some point, and I'm pretty confident in the Mets ability to win the division yet again, and if things break the right way (cause, lets face it, St. Louis didn't exactly have a killer rotation last year), the World Series.

Bushido,
Hello chap, I just wanted to hear your thoughts on the Arsenal's failure to secure any sort of hardware this season. Arsene Wenger really bollocksed up this campaign, right? Cheerio!
Barnaby, London, England

Oh good, a soccer question; my time to shine. Barnaby, this season certainly was a disappointment for Arsenal, especially when you consider the high hopes created by last seasons appearance in the Champions League Final. There are, of course, a number of reasons for this situation, most notably the Gunners injury issues; I don't think any team could produce hardware without their top two strikers, and the loss of Robin Van Persie early and Thierry Henry's inability to get healthy (no doubt exacerbated by that cunt Raymond Domeneech's decision to play him for the full match in meaningless friendlies) quite literally crippled the squad. But the squad never really got going this year, and lacked any sort of cutting edge from the beginning of the Premiership campaign, and blame for this must fall squarely on Wenger's shoulders. I had no problem with his failure to make any real top notch acquisitions during the summer transfer window (Rosicky and the Gallas for Cole swap aside), but when January rolled around, and the teams problems became quite clear, he didn't even look to make any impact pick ups, and that failure is a big reason why the squad will be trophy less again this season. Nevertheless, the team will still likely qualify for the Champions League again, and hopefully Wenger is finally willing to make some changes during the summer. Otherwise, we will be having this conversation again this time next year.

Hey Bushido,
Do you have any clever sports analogies to describe some crappy network TV shows? I know that's all I want to read about.
Bill, LA, California

I hope you die in a fire.

Bushido,
Any thoughts on March Madness? I mean, it is the biggest sports event this time of year, yet I haven't seen a single post about it on the site.
Carmine, Providence, Rhode Island

Carmine, March Madness is amply covered by Deadspin and other quality sites, who can provide their readers with the up to the minute dick jokes that they need. I'm sure someone will post something about the final four, but the urgency just isn't there.
As for my thoughts on the tourney so far, well, I really don't have any. A few compelling games, but really, after the great George Mason story last year, it was pretty much a given that this years March Madness would be far less interesting, and it has been. My whole final four is still in it, so I'm sticking with my pick of Georgetown, but I really couldn't care less.


Bushido,
We want no part of integration with this wicked race of devils. But The Honorable Elijah Muhammad also says we should not be expected to leave America empty-handed. After four hundred years of slave labor, we have some back pay coming. A bill that is owed to us and must be collected. If the government of America truly repents of its sins against our people and atones by giving us our true share of the land and the wealth, then America can save herself. But if America waits for God to step in and force her to make a just settlement, God will take this entire continent away from the white man. And the Bible says that God can then give the kingdom to whomsoever he pleases. I thank you.
Malcolm, New York, New York

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