What's A Hockey Fan To Do?

With the Rangers locked in the mortal combat of the NHL playoffs, I'm showing my solidarity by growing a playoff beard. It's nice to take a break from shaving, and it allows me to feel like I'm doing more than just simple rooting. I'm obviously not the only one who feels this way, the playoff beard even has its own page at The World's Most Accurate Encyclopedia. Of course, so does, um, Keith Fink, so take from that what you will. But now a problem has arisen.

On Friday, I'm supposed to go out with a girl (seriously, stop laughing), but I'm still going to have the beard. This wouldn't be a problem if I could grow a luscious, manly beard, but sadly, that is not the case. Aside from growing a goatee (yech), my facial hair could be charitably described as "patchwork", cruelly described as "fucking hideous" and verbosely described as "not aesthetically pleasing."

I like this girl, so I don't want to scare her off by seeming weird or looking like a deranged homeless man. My friend Dan suggested joking about it off the bat, but even calling attention to it makes me nervous, since then I'll think she's always staring at it and wondering if that's food caught in it. Which is a ridiculous idea because I can't even grow a beard thick enough to catch food in it.

Some people trim their playoff beards to appease the opposite sex. It's not a bad thought, but I lack any kind of beard trimming equipment since I usually go clean shaven due to the aforementioned horribleness of my facial hair, so it's an all or nothing proposition for me.

There has to be something in my DNA that's causing this, because I'm far from the first person in my family to sacrifice social grace for Rangers playoff action. In 1994, my dad was attending a family friend's anniversary party. It just happened to fall on the same night as Rangers/Devils Game 7. So my dad, doing what any fan would do, turned the game on during the party. Whoops, bad move. Everyone stopped dancing and even the band stopped playing to revel in the drama up intil Stephane Matteau's big moment. The family friend still doesn't speak to my dad. Still, my mom married him, so there are obviously women out there who understand the problems associated with playoff hockey. I guess, maybe? I don't know.

Make no mistake though, I can't get rid of the beard, especially with the Rangers up 3-1 and heading to Washington on Friday to try to put their first round series away. The Rangers need me. They need me and my terrible beard. Don't think the beard works? Shows what you know. Henrik Lundqvist's inhuman performance? Chris Drury's odd angle goal last night? Alexander Ovechkin's thus far quiet series? It's all thanks to the beard, friends, this I know.

God, I'm just glad she isn't a Caps fan. Then I'd really be in trouble.