Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Election Apocalypse

Election Day has come and gone and gone and gone, considering we're a week on, and America has finally fulfilled its promise, electing its first black secret Muslim radical socialist Messianic figure President. It's been a long time coming, but I feel confident in saying that George Bush is still President and Bob Barr is a massive fraud. On to some scattered observations from that night I spent at a friend's apartment, which are a week old and younger.
  • I watched the returns on a number of channels (CNN, MSNBC, Fox News, CBS, NBC, PBS and even ten seconds of Fox Business News). CNN was hands down the winner when it came to graphics and analysis, though that was mostly thanks to John King and his incredible touchscreen. Instead of turning it into a useless gimmick (like that awful hologram thing), King used it to show John McCain running way behind Bush's margins in cracker county Indiana, Virginia and Florida. This made the election much easier to take, as it became apparent pretty early that Obama was going to take Indiana despite McCain's early lead.
  • All you needed to know about the mood at the McCain headquarters all night? No one was watching the news, but they were watching Hank Williams, Jr. So you know, at least they had fun, I guess, if uhhh...Hank Williams, Jr. is your idea of fun. Yeah...
  • MSNBC sucked hard, which was a major disappointment. Not only were they the ugliest channel in terms of presentation, but their famed "everyone at each other's throats" sideshow never seemed to materialize. They also repeatedly harped on how the electoral map looked identical to 2004, at least until Obama took Indiana. I guess it was in an effort to cut off a "liberal MSNBC gloats" criticism from any tut-tutters, but it made for dreadfully boring programming. I was looking for Keith Olbermann blowing lines off the news desk and Rachel Maddow heel kicking Pat Buchanan, but I don't recall ever seeing Uncle Pat on the air.
  • Fox Business News gave me agita, but anyone who can take more than 30 seconds of Neil Cavuto and some made-up business expert talking about Barack Obama will crash the economy has my eternal respect. Fox News proper was funny but not nearly as funny as I was hoping. Much like MSNBC, I was expecting fireworks, though in Fox's case I was thinking something like an Irish funeral presided over by Brit Hume's ever-drooping face. Oh sure, I got Bill Kristol seemingly on the verge of tears every time he spoke, but I also had to sit through Hume gush about how it's impossible to hate Barack Obama, according to one of Hume's friends and Chris Wallace wax philosophical about the wonderful historic day. If the next election day panel doesn't include Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck, Fox News should just fold up the tent and go home.
  • Oddly enough, it was when we flipped to PBS that we realized Obama had it in bag. Jim Lehrer called Ohio for Obama at about 9:45, and after his gravitas filled announcement, I realized Obama was sitting on 220 EVs with the West Coast still uncounted. So I called the election before anyone else really.
  • On ABC, whoever was hosting their coverage vowed not to call anything before any polls closed, announced West Coast polls were closing in ten seconds and then sat and stared at us in a dramatic fashion for ten seconds before announcing that yes indeedy Barack Hussein Obama, Jr. was the new secret Muslim President-elect.
  • What was awesome about seeing the election called on ABC was that someone in the studio clapped during the announcement before quickly stopping themselves. If that moment isn't in the next book lambasting the liberal Jew media establishment, the author should give back his or her advance. It could be the dramatic opening anecdote before two hundred pages of warmed over figures about how reporters are registered Democrats in large numbers.
  • I'll give props to McCain for a gracious concession speech, though the fact that his crowd still booed Obama was petty, especially for a group of people who kept telling us they put country first. My friend Mike also pointed out that in comparing Obama's rally set-up to McCain's, it was like McCain was planning on a loss, considering his stage was tiny and appeared to be situated next to the hotel pool, while Obama took over Grant Park.
  • Speaking of petty, I was curious what the reaction to an Obama presidency would be in wignut land. These were the people, after all, who villified the angry Left as America-haters for disagreeing with the President. So with all that "You've gotta respect the President" rhetoric piled up in their past, did they follow through? Duh, of course not. Not that I checked every crazy right wing blog ever, but if there's anything better than Atlas Shrugged, I don't want to know about it. Pam Geller, previously making a name for herself with her, um, brilliant theory that Malcolm X is really Barack Obama's father. I'm going to have to try to keep up with Atlas Shrugged in the future, because it appears you can pick a random day in the future, commit to checking the page and finding something batshit crazy. Like this:
    Everyone I speak to says they voted for McCain - the gym (young twenty somethings), the coffeehouse, Duane Reade. They stole the damn thing. Working Americans (as opposed to the haters, the moochers, the looters, the users, the commies, the socialists, the trust fundies) ain't happy I tell ya.
  • I guess working at Trader Joe's for ten bucks an hour doesn't make me a "working American." Of course, if you think Atlas Shrugged is merely charges that the landslide election was stolen or repeated calls for Barack Obama's birth certificate, you'd be missing out on the heelarious and misguided Jewish pride and Holocaust hysteria:
    In the 1930's, thousands of Americans were supportive of Hitler, even having a Nazi Bund rally in Madison Square Garden in 1939, just as today thousands of Americans are supportive of Obama.
    Actually Pam, 66,056,046 people supported Barack Obama this past election. And to be even more nitpicky, 20,000 people showed up to the Bund rally at the Garden. Unless Pam really truly believes that only up to 9,999 people voted for Barack Obama (a distinct possibility) thousands do not support Obama, but millions do. Tens of millions even. And the correct term for the Bund rally audience would be "tens of thousands." A word like "thousands" should be reserved for something like the amount of people who still care about the Seattle Mariners. Boosh!
Okay, I'm bored now, Part II later.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Because That's Just The Kind of Guy I Am

I guess in the wake of Barack Obama's victory, I should be gracious in victory and not a complete smirking dickhead. But well...I mean Jesus, just look at this fantastic comment pulled from the typically entertaining PUMA PAC blog:

Never mind the fact that a real Democrat wouldn't call the party the "Democrat Party", a known, if stupid slur used by Republicans (or would that be Republics? No, guess not). Never mind that fact that the credit crisis was built on a mountain of absurd debt speculation and free money given to fucking idiots, never mind that "the U.N." does not go to war with people, it merely gives blessings to wars, no, I think what's important to see in this comment is the Bible prophecy.

Now, any asshole can say something happening now is in the Bible, and any asshole can claim Barack Obama is the Antichrist (or start a Facebook group devoted to the question that your author may or may not belong to). It takes a special kind of moron to posit that Obama's name has 18 letters and that 6+6+6=666 (as opposed to, you know, 18). Still a little elementary name math should explain why this is dumber than originally thought possible:

Barack Hussein Obama
6 + 7 + 5

Yep, only one part of his name contains the magic six letters, as opposed to oh, I don't know, RONALD WILSON REAGAN. Ah, but Karen was also making a big deal out of Barack's full name, which anyone who still believes Barack Hussein Obama, Sr. is his father and not Malcolm X, would notice makes Obama's full name:

Barack Hussein Obama, Jr.
6 + 7 + 5 + 2

Twenty letter names take you totally out of the running for Antichrist, if I know my Bible prophecy. And I'm on top of that shit, rest assured. Anyway Karen, thanks for playing The Internet, and play again soon. Who am I kidding, you're probably playing as we speak you little scamp.

More election reaction when I goddamn well feel like it.