Monday, June 30, 2008

Why The Drug War Is The Also Known As "The Laugh-a-minute War"

I'm not sure if this bizarre piece of news is proof the war on drugs has gone too far or if it's proof the it hasn't gone far enough, but I do know the fine people of Gerald, Missouri need a crash course in the fucking Constitution. From The Times:

GERALD, Mo. — Like so many rural communities in the country’s middle, this tiny town had wrestled for years with the woes of methamphetamine. Then, several months ago, a federal agent showed up.


They said the agent, a man some had come to know as “Sergeant Bill,” boasted that he did not need search warrants to enter their homes because he worked for the federal government.

But after a reporter for the local weekly newspaper made a few calls about that claim, Gerald’s anti-drug campaign abruptly unraveled after less than five months. Sergeant Bill, it turned out, was no federal agent, but Bill A. Jakob, an unemployed former trucking company owner, a former security guard, a former wedding-performing minister, a former small-town cop from 23 miles down the road.


And the questions keep coming. How did Mr. Jakob wander into town and apparently leave the mayor, the aldermen and pretty much everyone else he met thinking that he was a federal agent delivered from Washington to help barrel into peoples’ homes and clean up Gerald’s drug problem? And why would anyone — receiving no pay and with no known connection to little Gerald, 70 miles from St. Louis and not even a county seat — want to carry off such a time-consuming ruse in the first place?

I dunno, too much meth smoking? Runner up prize for chutzpah goes to Jakob's lawyer, who's making the best of his client's situation.

Mr. Jakob’s lawyer, Joel Schwartz, said that what happened in Gerald was never a sinister plot, but a chain of events rooted in “errors in judgment.” Mr. Schwartz said he believed that at least three Gerald police officers, including the chief, knew that Mr. Jakob was not a federal drug agent or even a certified police officer.

“It was an innocent evolution, where he helped with one minor thing, then one more on top of that, and all of the sudden, everyone thought he was a federal agent,” Mr. Schwartz said. “I’m not saying this was legal or lawful. But look, they were very, very effective while he was present. I don’t think Gerald is having the drug problem they were having. I’ve heard from some residents who were thrilled that he was there.”

Obama Omnibus: Bad News Edition

Never let it be said that I can't quickly twist the knife in a candidate's back once a worse one is gone. Plenty of other people have gone over Obama's change of heart on public financing and on the new FISA bill, so I'm not going to get into that. Instead I'll turn my rage on other facets of the Man from Hawaii.

Like, for instance, his earnest but weird supporters. Doing nothing to dispel the idea that the Obama campaign is really an Islamoathiest cult and taking full advantage of the dumbest sectors of the internet, America now has a whole slew of people with "Hussein" for a middle name.

Emily Nordling has never met a Muslim, at least not to her knowledge. But this spring, Ms. Nordling, a 19-year-old student from Fort Thomas, Ky., gave herself a new middle name on mimicking her boyfriend and shocking her father.

“Emily Hussein Nordling,” her entry now reads.

With her decision, she joined a growing band of supporters of Senator Barack Obama, the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee, who are expressing solidarity with him by informally adopting his middle name.


Ms. Nordling’s uncle liked the idea so much that he joined the same Facebook group that she had. But when her father saw her new online moniker, he was incredulous.

“He actually thought I was going to convert to Islam,” Ms. Nordling said.

My first thought when I read this was to wonder if we had the society we have today in the 1960, would Kennedy supporters wear Pope hats in solidarity? Because that would be awesome.

But what is the candidate himself doing? If you answered, "falling into the same stupid traps John Kerry kept falling into in 2004," you'd be depressingly correct. How else to explain the pure hokiness of doing a speech on patriotism in Independence, Missouri?

INDEPENDENCE, Mo. – As the nation prepares to celebrate the Fourth of July, Senator Barack Obama opened a weeklong patriotism tour here today, hoping to explain and define his American ideals to ward off skepticism and answer questions from his critics.

“I will never question the patriotism of others in this campaign,” Mr. Obama said, speaking over the applause of several hundred supporters gathered here. “And I will not stand idly by when I hear others question mine.”


“It is worth considering the meaning of patriotism because the question of who is – or is not – a patriot all too often poisons our political debates, in ways that divide us rather than bring us together.


“Surely we can agree,” Mr. Obama said, “that no party or political philosophy has a monopoly on patriotism.”

No no no no no. Why do Democrats always get caught in this game? Isn't it just as easy to find twistable things John McCain said and prove that he hates America just as much as Barack Obama? Or at the very least, Americans? I'm convinced that anyone who runs for President truly, deeply hates us and is just waiting for the opportunity to play with the American people like a fly caught in a glass. How else to explain the open sore of dumbness that is the campaign? What does one even do on a patriotism tour anyway other than dress in denim and purposely confuse what "Born in the U.S.A." was all about?

Finally, in real news, The Boston Globe comes up with an awesome hit piece (found, unfortunately, via Mickey Kaus) that would be damaging if America gave a shit about black people or public housing. It does however, highlight Barack's tendency to push mushy centrist positions and then avoid any controversy around them.

As a state senator, the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee coauthored an Illinois law creating a new pool of tax credits for developers. As a US senator, he pressed for increased federal subsidies. And as a presidential candidate, he has campaigned on a promise to create an Affordable Housing Trust Fund that could give developers an estimated $500 million a year.

But a Globe review found that thousands of apartments across Chicago that had been built with local, state, and federal subsidies - including several hundred in Obama's former district - deteriorated so completely that they were no longer habitable.


Nonetheless, the buildings deteriorated badly. The problems came to public attention in a dramatic way in 2004, after a sport utility vehicle driven by a suburban woman trying to buy drugs struck one of the buildings, causing it to collapse. City inspectors arrived in the ensuing glare, finding a long list of code violations, leading city officials to urge the federal government to seize the complex.

In the midst of the uproar, a small group of Lawndale residents gathered to rally against the Democratic candidate for the US Senate, Barack Obama.

Obama's Republican opponent, Alan Keyes, trailed badly in the polls and was not seen as a serious challenger. But the organizers had a simple message: Cecil Butler had donated $3,000 to Obama's campaign. Habitat had close ties to Obama. And Obama had remained silent about Lawndale's plight.

Hey, everyone who's ever contributed to this blog has been warning people about SUVs for years. Barack Obama may or may not have looked the other way while the projects crumbled, but at least we now know an SUV can destroy a (shoddily constructed) building.

Oh How I Wish I Could Have Woken Up To This Email

From The Times:

On the other side of the debate, Lorillard, the cigarette company that would stand to lose the most from a ban on menthol, is mounting a counteroffensive. In e-mail messages sent on June 22 to smokers of its leading menthol brand, Newport, the company urged them to call their Congressional representatives.

“Urgent! Urgent!,” the e-mail said. “Congress wants to make it illegal to smoke Newports and other menthol cigarettes. Call your member of Congress now and tell them to oppose any amendment to ban menthol cigarettes.”

Somewhere, Dave Chapelle is considering getting back into the sketch comedy game.

Nevar Forget

Game ball to the Onion AV Club.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Your Apocalypse Forecast

Chance of Apocalypse: Lower than Greasebot's self-esteem

Sad news today for anyone who's been looking forward to the end of the human race. Unless this is some kind of ass backward secret North Korean trick, Kim Jong-il is continuing his reign of confusing terror by destroying North Korea's nuclear program. I know, I know, the Axis of Evil was supposed to destroy us all, but apparently some people are too busy begging for international recognition to turn their neighbors into a lake of glass. From the Times:

In a gesture demonstrating its commitment to halt its nuclear weapons program, North Korea blew up the most prominent symbol of its plutonium production Friday.

The 60-foot cooling tower at the North’s main nuclear power plant collapsed in a heap of shattered concrete and twisted steel, filmed by international and regional television broadcasters invited to witness the event.

The tower is a technically insignificant structure, relatively easy to rebuild. North Korea also has been disabling — but not destroying — more sensitive parts of the nuclear complex, such as the 5-megawatt reactor, a plant that makes its fuel and a laboratory that extracts plutonium from its spent fuel.

Nonetheless, the destruction of the tower, the most visible element of the nuclear complex at Yongbyon, 60 miles north of Pyongyang, the North Korean capital, affirmed the incremental progress that has been made in American-led multilateral efforts to end North Korea’s nuclear weapons programs.

Hey, fine, be that way, I was actually enjoying a world with The Baby Borrowers.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

In Its Defense, Let It Be Said Grand Theft Auto IV Is Fucking Amazing

Whoever had 57 in the "days between GTA IV release and heinous crime committed in its name", come and collect your money. From (who else) The Post:

A gang of six teens decided to take Grand Theft Auto IV from the television screens to the streets of Long Island, with a two-hour crime spree meant to copy the game's violent hero, cops said.

The game-crazed youth's real-life robbery romp featured such staples of the mega-popular game as a mugging, several break-ins and an attempted car-jacking at an intersection in tony Garden City, police said. "They decided they were going to go out to commit robberies and emulate the [lead] character Nico Belic in the particularly violent video game Grand Theft Auto,' said Nassau County Police Detective Lt. Raymond Cote. "These teens have difficulty separating fact from fiction, fantasy from reality . . . It was quite alarming.'


According to cops, the boys first mugged a man at a bus stop near the park, beat him and knocked out some teeth. They then broke into some sheds and garages, stole some bats and crowbars and met up with a few more teens to continue the spree.

The six then attempted to stage some carjackings in Garden City. But it was game over when one of their would-be victims - a 23-year-old woman in a 2008 BMW - called the cops, who quickly arrested them.

But how did the cops know this rampage was GTA inspired?

Police would not say specifically how they knew that the teens crimes were motivated by Grand Theft Auto, and not by some other motive. They said they discovered it during their investigation.

Maybe the Dolan-owned Newsday can shed some light on this issue:

The teens told detectives they were imitating the Grand Theft Auto video game series where players steal cars, beat up other characters and score points for committing crimes, authorities said.

Yep, Joe Lieberman is gonna looove this.

A Slow News Day Means It's Time To Embarass The Competition

Front Page

Click for News Click for full story
Sure The Post could have a cover story on the Supreme Court outlawing the death penalty for child rape, but they know New Yorkers waking p in the morning don't want some downer about liberal faggot judges who set pederasts loose on the street. They want tits. Big beautiful tits, preferably on a blonde. And if those tits happen to come on the torso of the competition's top foreign affairs reporter, all the better, because if you can't out-report'em, just embarass'em. I believe that maxim is carved in stone in front of Rupert Murdoch's mansion.

And if those tits happen to come on the torso Anyway, if you really need to know, the substance of the story, is, well, here read it for yourself:

The "60 Minutes" reporter and former swimsuit model apparently courted two beaus while she was in Baghdad, and has been labeled a homewrecker for allegedly destroying the marriage of a civilian contractor there, sources said.

Passions got so hot in the combat zone that one of her lovers, Joe Burkett, brawled in a Baghdad "safe house" with her other paramour, CNN war reporter Michael Ware, a source said.

The wife of Burkett, a US Embassy worker, claims the sultry 37-year-old correspondent seduced him while bullets flew overhead.

Burkett's wife, Kimberly, also accuses Logan of teaming up with him to take her 3-year-old daughter away, according to the source.

A close pal of Logan, who confirmed the allegations to The Post, said Burkett's marriage to Kimberly was already finished six months before they sparked up a relationship.

"She is not the cause of their divorce," the friend told The Post yesterday.

"It was going to happen."

Man does that ever sound exciting. Did she start pawing at his crotch while bullets literally whizzed by them? Did she whisper come ons in his ear while they escaped enraged militia members? Did she give him a hummer in a Humvee? Inquiring minds want to know you lazy fucks.

My personal favorite:

Yesterday, CBS announced, without a hint of irony, that she was given a new Washington assignment as chief foreign-affairs correspondent.

It's really awesome when you hire reporters with no sense of the English language. What could possibly be ironic about her being promoted? Did CBS have a strict "no boning in the war zone" policy? Someone please explain this to me.

Metsblog's Comment Section Is A Bastion Of Progressive Thought

UPDATE - DISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS! So as it turns out, the story that launched all those wonderful comments was fake. However, I stand by my mockery, since the reality of the story doesn't change the dismissive tone of the comments.

It isn't Matt Cerrone's fault that his comment section is filled with apes. Hell, I'd sell Ush into white slavery for the kind of web traffic Cerrone pulls down and on a website that is filled with calls for the whole team to be shot into space after every loss, I probably shouldn't expect much of the site's readers when an actual fucked up incident occurs.

In what is arguably worse news than the Mets calling up Tony Armas, Jr., it appears they drafted a dickhead who fancies himself the next Keith Hernandez (via Metsblog, from The Times Herald-Record):
“Earlier today, one of my colleagues, staff writer Mira Wassef, a hard-working and conscientious reporter, went to Dutchess Stadium in Fishkill to interview Davis. According to Mira, and I totally believe her, once she walked into the Brooklyn clubhouse, several players began whistling at her and making cat calls. She was unnerved to say the very least… The performance by the Cyclones was pathetic. A disgrace…

“Mira asked if Davis had a few minutes to talk for an interview. His reply? ‘I’m not playing tonight, sweetheart. We don’t have anything to talk about.’…

They showed that bitch who doesn't belong in the locker room, eh guys? Them female reporters just want a look at the players' cocks anyway.

The world's biggest deal? Perhaps not, but it's still wrong, and in 2008, I don't really understand how it's still acceptable in any fashion. Women have been in the locker rooms for as long as I can remember, and I'm 23, so athletes have to get used to them being around. Of course, who needs to be levelheaded when you can make anonymous internet comments? There are many different ways to react to this story if you're a jackass Neanderthal, so allow me to point out my favorites.

There's the knee jerk "I'm anti-PC and I'm proud", as exemplified by zer09:

Honestly, this is such crap. He did seem a bit snippy from the story, but what kind of idiotic PC society do we live in where calling a woman “sweetheart” is offensive? What the hell is going on…
What the hell indeed brother? Maybe we live in the confused world of M Night Shyamalan's The Happening! Not to be missed is the "We're the real victims here" mentality:

Listen if the media can blow up on Imus for asking whether a person is black or not I’m sure they can make a story out of this too. The Time-Herald Record is notorious for trying to make the Mets look bad in any way. Their front pages go as follows:

If Yankees play:
Front: Yankees win, Mets a few pages in
Front: Yankees lose, Mets a few pages in

If Yankees don’t play:
Front: Mets win, Yankees for the rest of the sports section
Front: Some non-story about the Yankees, Mets a few pages back.

Darn that liberal media, eh CitizenSnips? Then there's Deeg, who shows us how to be rockist, if not a little racist too:

So when does Ike’s rap album come out?

There's the loathsome and predictable, "I wanna fap to her picture" response, seen pretty much all over the post:

Can we get a pic of Mira to understand exactly what the hub bub was about? For research and objectivity purposed of course.

As soon as you're willing to let people ogle and point out every one of your flaws when you're in a bikini, you can have a picture of her. Of course, if she's a woman doing, well, anything, she must be asking for it, right adropofvenom?

There are certain places that chivalry isn’t to be expected…..a testosterone filled sports clubhouse is one of them. If you’re a good looking young woman going to put yourself into that enviornment you should expect a few people to act like complete jerks. It’s just the reality of the matter. The reporter bringing this up is acting like this would be any different if it was any other professional sports clubhouse. Trust me, it wouldn’t be.

I’m not condoning it, but if that hurt her feelings then she has a long ways to go before becoming any sort of serious reporter.

Right. In the same vein, here's wesdp1988 with a look into the mind an almost-20 year old who confuses feminism with the idea of women having jobs:

Im turnin 20 this week, and although I don’t think whistling at a reporter would be something that I would do, I don’t necessarily think it’s a awful thing that happened. She, the apparent feminist who shouldn’t be “shaken” by something like this, was in the MENS clubhouse. Next time send a man to do her job. It’s not the players responsibility to not be themselves in the clubhouse. It’s that type of uptight nature that creates rifts between reporters and players. The players are doing the reporter a service, so the reporter(if female) shouldn’t get so bent out of shape. She should have just taken care of it herself, and told him that she was upset about it and to treat her with more respect. But instead, she tattled to her boss who obviously is a perfect person and doesn’t remember being 20, and calls this kid out. Ike could do the favor by chippin into that 1.65 mill and actually buy tomorrows paper.

I think next time they should send a shapeshifting killer cyborg to get the interview, but I've been up for three days watching Terminator 2 on a constant loop, so don''t listen to me. Finally, my favorite comment, courtesy of TheBigStapler, which can only be summed up by ???:

The whole scene sounds like something lifted from a cheesy movie. Did the sassy female reporter then make some witty comment about Ike’s genitalia, inciting riotous laughter in the locker?

Are they going to fall in love? Coney Island date scene? This plot writes itself.

Yes, I think I've seen this movie. It's called "Broads Shouldn't Work." Jesus dude, did you even read the MetsBlog swipe, much less the actual article?

Next week on MetsBlog comments: an informed discussion about dark matter and the true nature of the universe, hosted by Fire0mar666. Hope to see you there!

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

An Experience Field Trip: Fear and Loathing At Shea

Never, ever, under any circumstances, take a free ticket to a baseball game unless you're absolutely sure you can handle the weirdness that will occur. Not that I can't, mind you, but it was a maxim I had put completely out of my mind until it came roaring at me with the force of a point blank shotgun blast.

It started innocently enough outside while I waited outside Gate C, stoned on resin and the good weather. Staring into nowhere, I heard, "Hey, nice shirt," and found the man complimenting me was some Wall Street type, button-up shirt, slicked back hair and sunglasses. A real important type. It's all very normal until you realize this is what was on my shirt:

Not five minutes after that, I saw a child walk past me wearing a knee-length Shaun Taylor jersey and a faux-hawk mullet. This was no accidental fashion accident, this was a premeditated statement, I could tell by the lovingly combed down back of the mullet. The question of how what appeared to be a seven-year-old was wandering alone wasn't necessary, because the hairstyle alone indicated a great level of neglect from the child's parents.

X finally showed up and we walked in to Shea. Going up the ramp to the mezzanine, we came across a mass meeting of vendors getting their assigned sections. The last vendor was given his assignment, and just as we passed, they put their hands together in the middle of a circle. "Let's go out there and sell tonight!" one of them yelled. "GOOOOOO VENDORS!" they replied in unison and threw their hands up. Just ignore it, I thought, it isn't real.

Things got more normal when we got to our seats, if normal means an Oliver Perez start that frequently involves putting your head in your hands. Ollie escaped the first inning by giving up just one run, but the mood of the crowd was already turning ugly. It only got worse in the top of the second, though the JumboTron informed us that international disappointment Kenji Johjima stole home earlier this year. "Ah, yet another way Johjima is like Jackie Robinson," I said.

X was incredulous. "Name one other way Johjima is like Jackie Robinson."

"Never mind that, there's a game going on," I muttered. "Pay attention." This was terrible advice, because the second inning was even worse than the first, and the third inning even worse than the second. Booing had become the norm and the ugly vibes of the crowd had increased to the point where they were almost physically visible. Perez was booed coming off the mound, he was booed when he couldn't get a sac bunt down and then booed when he did get it down.

In what became an absolutely toxic mixture, the crowd began turning stupid too. The KissCam featured an equal number of kissing/no-kissing and the "Dancing With the Fans" promotion produced a participant who couldn't dance. The mass stupidity crested with a Springer-esque "Jerry, Jerry!" chant after Jerry Manuel let the home plate ump know he wouldn't be invited to dinner at the Manuel house anytime soon. "Ah, what great fans we are," X observed. "We don't want a manager with baseball smarts, we just want a guy who's gonna yell every now and then." I couldn't argue with him, I was too busy screaming that Manuel should have ripped that fascist ump's head off with his bare hands.

Then there were the people who didn't realize standing in the aisle deprived other fans of their view of the massacre on the field. Having the seats right next to the tunnel allowed me to see just what kind of people did this, and in the midst of translating the crowd's catcalls, one woman turned to me with eyes full of fear, but I was past the point of sympathy. Right before we left, some dead-eyed hick stood directly in front of us for a picture of him standing in front of the field at his big city baseball adventure. "Hey man, you gonna move?" I asked. No reply.

"Hey, guy," X tried.

"Come on buddy, hurry it up," I said, hoping desperately he would just burst into flames right there. The hick just smiled broadly and either didn't hear or just ignored us, until he had his picture, then ambled away back to the farm. We decided to get out while we could, since there was no guarantee there wouldn't be a riot following a 10-0 defeat at the hands of the worst team in baseball.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Barack Obama: Still Black

It's only days into the actual one on one Presidential dust up and it's way too soon to decide whether this is going to be the dumbest race ever. Fox, however, is doing their best to make sure that it is. I don't want to be premature and make rash predictions, but what they hell, they've earned it:
Proving that even dap can become a news story with legs, and not the normal kind, but weird legs that need braces and massive amounts of surgeries to work, I bring you E.D. Hill and her wonderfully tone deaf innuendo:

When you pick your jaw up off the floor after hearing the already struck from the record "terrorist fist jab," please take the time to listen to the rest of this astoundingly empty interview. From the sad, sad body language expert going over her secret signals to her husband to Hill seemingly not realizing that a chest bump is par for the course after any touchdown, this segment appears to have been put together solely to bring up the Hezbollah thing again.

How am I supposed to believe this is a body language expert if she doesn't reach through the set and put Hill out of her misery for asking questions about a pound? The only answer to that question should be "Get your fat head out of your ass Hill, this is 2008 we're talking about here." I understand that this is the average Fox News viewer, but I think it's safe to assume everyone who hasn't ever used the word "octoroon" in anger knows what dap is. Has Hill never watched Black Bush?

(Game ball to Alternet for the video)

Saturday, June 7, 2008

I'm Just Glad There Wasn't A Repeat Visit

So the other day I was bored and decided to go through our StatCounter info to make sure that no one vists the site still. Wouldn't want an audience getting in the way of all the pointless swearing and character assassination.

And shit, wouldn't you know it, we had a visitor all the way from the Philippines. Isn't the internet a great place? A guy from halfway across the world stumbles on our thoughts and musings and character assassinations.

I'm just glad he never came back.

Seems our friend found the Experience by searching Yahoo for "little school gil cunt." Well, I just had to see how far down we are on that list, and ummm...we're number three. Hooray for us! I need a shower.

How could this happen, you ask? Well, I don't know the specifics of search engines, so I'm gonna do what I always do in a tough spot.

Tex, how could you??

Friday, June 6, 2008

Death To MLB Adanced Media!

For you viewing pleasure, before MLB deprives us of our right to access any baseball fight at any time, here is throwdown between the AL East's first and second place teams, those eternal rivals, the Sox and the Yankees Rays.

James Shields is no Nolan Ryan, but it's not for lack of effort. And at least he isn't Guillermo Mota.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Obama: HE BLACK!

The headline isn't a statement of the obvious but rather a phrase I've seen on the Okayplayer message boards (the place earnest white people go to be down). It's the first thing that came to my mind when I saw the hilarity that Slate put together regarding Barack and Michelle Obama giving each other dap at Barack's victory speech. If those quotes aren't a compendium of proof that America just doesn't know how to deal with black people, I don't know what is.

The bestest and most funniest comment regarding dap-gate has to be the following quote, which even Human Events was too embarrassed to stick by:
Michelle is not as ‘refined’ as Obama at hiding her TRUE feelings about America—etc. Her ‘Hezbollah’ style fist-jabbing
By the time I had read the article, a number of commenters had already pointed out how badly Cal Thomas had failed. This grossly ignorant attack is only made funnier when you realize that Cal Thomas is the co-author of a book called Common Ground: How to Stop the Partisan War That Is Destroying America. Presumably, it only has one chapter, dealing with how and where to deport various liberal groups in America to.

Also be sure to check Cal's Wikipedia page, which I have saved for posterity for when those stupid nerds who rule it realize maybe he hasn't been to Waziristan.

I'll have you know your humble editor had nothing to do with the above vandalism, except for a little bit of spell checking.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

No, No, That's Not How It Fucking Works

Raise your hand if you were at all surprised by the giant success that was Sex And The City: The Really Long Episode You Paid Ten Bucks For Movie. Keep your hand up if you think that means anything outside of the fact that Sex and The City was a really popular TV show. Oh Jesus Christ, why are there so many hands up? Err, yes, you there, Melissa Silverstein, care to explain to me what this means?

Will the Success of Sex and the City Force Hollywood to Stop Ignoring Women?

Sighhhhhhhh. Fine then, go on.

Carrie & Co. have sent Hollywood into a frenzy -- and according to website Deadline Hollywood "looking through their film and TV libraries to see what else they can produce for the fortysomething-and-older female" -- thinking that maybe women, even those over 40, are a real potential audience. Finally.

Finally? What is this finally bullshit? I'm going to interrupt every one of your lines with a romantic comedy or chick flick until I run out of them or you run out of them. Ready? GO!

Whatever your thoughts on the actual content of Sex and the City,

The Notebook.

you can't help but acknowledge that this is a cultural watershed moment for women's films;

Must Love Dogs

that's true for a couple of reasons.

Made of Honor.

Harry Medved of Fandango monitored the growing interest and excitement:


In a survey on Fandango, 71% of the 10,000 respondents said that Hollywood does not create enough movies for adult females.

Serendipity. And those survey takers must be eating lead paint chips. Lead paint chips coated in fiberglass. Rolled in bees.

They've got a point there:

Because I Said So.

in 2007 only five of the top 50 grossing films starred or were focused on women and in 2006 the number was three

Definitely, Maybe (aka Everyone Just Forget Ryan Reynolds Starred In Van Wilder, OK?).

OK lady you win, because while I could just be lazy and keep doing this, I'd rather be immature and address the issues you brought up by making fun of you and calling you names.

But even in its overwhelming success, it's hard not to be disturbed by the double standard this film has been held to and the nasty tone in the media last week.

See what you did there? You didn't present one goddamn example of the nasty tone in the media.

What happens to the next film about women that doesn't engender this event-like status?

You mean like the next piece of shit Mandy Moore is gonna be in? You know, the game you're playing here, the rules are fixed totally against any bit of rational argument. The one and only reason the SATC movie was an event was because it was based on a hit HBO show that was on for like, ten thousand season. It comes with a pedigree, it comes with a built in fan base.

Additionally, the gendered marketing campaign placed the burden of success directly on the wallets of women.

So? When Spiderman came out it had nerds and only nerds to rely on, but they didn't piss and moan.

No other film has that burden.

Oh fuck you. From it's very inception Sex and The City was marketed to women, and there's nothing wrong with that. You can't now, in 2008, whine that a movie studio expected women to step up to the plate and see it.

Think about last year's hit film Wild Hogs.

In all honesty, you should probably not do that. Ever.

It was about four guys, including Tim Allen and John Travolta, on a middle-age road trip.

No love for William H. Macy or uhhh...the other one? And again, whatever argument you're making becomes so specious when you bring up a post-Pulp Fiction Travolta movie or a post-birth Tim Allen movie.

The film opened in March 2007 to $40 million.

This is actually evidence there is something desperately wrong with America.

This was not a film targeted at women, but women went to see it.

Women with families saw Wild Hogs. Idiotic women with their idiotic husbands and their terrible, idiotic spawn. Wild Hogs was marketed as an idiotic family comedy for idiots, and idiots responded.

The point is that women never got the impression that seeing a movie about four guys going through a mid-life crisis was not worthy of our time or money, the way Sex and the City was described to men.

No, idiot, the point is that a comedy marketed as family safe drivel will attract the entire family. Families (at least standard families that would willingly sit through this bullshit) include women. Usually we call them "Mommy."

No movie about men or starring men has ever had to deal with headlines like "Can Women Alone Make Sex and the City a Hit?" (AP); "Sex sells, but will men see City?" (Variety);

What movie about men has so much talk about shoes and apartment shopping? Again, this was a conscious decision by whoever released SATC to try to capture the audience of the TV show, which was primarily...women! Oh, and teh gays.

Time Out NY ran a cover photo which had duct tape over the four women's mouths with the headline: "No Sex! Enough Already -- we love 'em, but it's just too much."

Go fly a kite lady. Time Out New York, as a New York-centric publication has every right to piss and moan about Sex and The City, because it is a completely made up version of New York City. Sex and The City's New York would be akin to claiming a show is set in Los Angeles and then filming it on the fucking moon. Or better yet, a moon of Jupiter. God, your persecution complex is incredible.

All detractors aside, women proved themselves as a force this weekend as never before.

Yes, thank Betty Freidan's magic vagina that women came out to see a movie marketed aggressively towards them and only them. Maybe their next show of force can be somewhere else totally inconsequential, like the roller derby or the world of hot air balloon racing.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

To Be Fair, Scarlett Didn't Get Britney Spears Preggers

I had originally planned on a post talking about how Scarlett Johansson's album of Tom Waits covers wasn't that bad. Then, upon a couple more listens, I decided that just wasn't possible. It's not a terrible album, it's just kind of boring, albeit it does have one pretty good single:

Honestly, was that so bad? OK, even if you thought it was, was it Kevin Federline bad? Obviously people thought so, because this past week, Scarlett Johansson had to live with the ignominy of having her record sell less copies than K-Fed's pride and joy Playing With Fire. At first I wondered how it could happen, but in hindsight, everyone knew it should have been coming all along.

Think about it. The instant Johansson announced her album, there was near universal scorn across the music blogosphere and the hipster blargosphere. This was a niche she was going to have to appeal to though, because what the hell does Johnny TheIslandWatcher know about Tom Waits? Nothin', that's what! But because hipsters are snarky, and in this case, had a pretty righteous case to snark it up, Scarlett's niche appeal was dead in the water before it went swimming. Picking up a Federline album had ironic appeal, while Anywhere I Lay My Head, rightly or wrongly, came with the taint of celebrity vanity project.

Ah, but wait, Scarlett is a tabloid gracing, Ryan Reynolds-marrying, high wattage mega star. K-Fed was nothing but gutter trash who tripped into Britney Spears' previously lusted after vagina. Could the Star readers of America really prefer "America's Most Hated" to "Falling Down?"

The problem is, it's not about preference or taste. It's about that tripping into Britney Spears' vag thing. Scarlett Johnasson may be a household name, but K-Fed is the new international sign for clusterfuck. Maybe if Scarlett wore less panties and get out of more limos with her legs spread she could get that Hollywood bad girl image and sell another thousand copies.

So, without the hipster vote and without the gawking, celebrity-rag reading mouth breathing public, the better question is, how were there even 5,000 people interested in buying Scarlett's album?