Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Where's Chuck?

Never mind our crumbling infrastructure, ever expanding deficit or our insistence on throwing our army into a Third World hellhole meatgrinder, this is all the evidence you need that the government is a failure of massive proportions:

Former major leaguer Chuck Knoblauch had not been tracked down as of early Wednesday evening by federal marshals trying to serve him a subpoena from a House panel investigating steroids in baseball, a committee staffer told The Associated Press.

The person spoke on condition of anonymity because staffers were not authorized to make public comments on the matter.

Knoblauch, a four-time All-Star who played for the Yankees, Twins and Royals from 1991-02, originally was asked to appear Thursday for what was supposed to be the first of five depositions or transcribed interviews scheduled by the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee.

Those sessions are in preparation for a hearing Feb. 13, when the witnesses are scheduled to include seven-time Cy Young Award winner Roger Clemens and his former personal trainer, Brian McNamee.

When the committee didn't hear from Knoblauch or a representative, it issued a subpoena to force the 1991 AL Rookie of the Year to submit to a deposition next Tuesday.

As of 7 p.m. Wednesday, though, that subpoena had not reached the former infielder who, like Clemens and more than 80 other players, was accused of using performance-enhancing drugs in last month's Mitchell Report on baseball's steroids era.

So let me get this straight. We have the PATRIOT Act and the NSA is eavesdropping on our phone calls and we can't find a guy who forgot how to throw a baseball from second base to first base? At least we'll know what books those dastardly Unitarian Universalists are reading. This does beg the question though, Where's Chuck? Some possibilities:

  • Shrank himself down, hiding in his Rookie of the Year Trophy
  • Fled to Mexico, sailing with Andy and Red
  • Turned himself into a cartoon, guest starring on Aqua Teen this week with John Kruk
  • Is masquerading as Secretary of Veteran's Affairs, Dr. James Peake
  • You ever see Serving Sara? No, me neither, but still...
  • Is hiding in plain sight at Kauffman Stadium
  • Vacationing in Iraf
  • Stalking the underbelly of early 1960s New York
  • Did so much steroids he turned himself into a being pure energy
Those are just my theories though. What do you think?????

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