First I was thinking that the feminist reaction to Juno was utter bullshit and these women would never be happy with anything. Then I realized, hey! I'm a mean spirited crank who gets off on this sort of shit. So let's fire away! After all, when Alternet has three articles devoted to slamming the shit out of it and the more sub-par Knocked Up, something must be said.
Even more entertaining than the articles themselves are the women who write them falling all over themselves to say they still liked Juno because of its spunky, witty heroine. Then comes the "But..." Here's a few of my favorite passages.
"I enjoyed this the way you enjoy the bubbly on New Year's Eve that leaves you with a hangover the next morning. I had the sense of being co-opted into tacit approval of a goofy, romantic story only slightly less plausible than the actual transformation of its author, Diablo Cody, from stripper to screenwriter." - Ellen Goodman
"Still, and maybe this is why I remained dry-eyed, I couldn't get over my sense that, hard as the movie worked to be a story about particular individuals, not a sermon, it was basically saying that for a high school junior to go through pregnancy and childbirth to give a baby to an infertile couple is both noble and cool, of a piece with loving indie rock and scorning cheerleaders; it's fetal fingernails versus boysenberry condoms." - Katha Pollit
"Your first high school lover ends up being the most perfect love you will ever know (Juno)"
"Closed adoption, another last minute decision, works out for the best for everybody (Juno)"
"Raising a child-like boyfriend is a darling substitute for an infant (Juno, Knocked Up)"
"Abortion is fine for someone else, but not for someone heroic and plucky like YOU! (ALL)" - Susie Bright
To be fair (a business I am not very interested in) Amanda Marcotte of Pandagon was at least smart enough to get it. Juno was a comedy people. Did you think it was funny? Did the dialogue make you laugh? What about the sight of Michael Cera in running shorts or scarfing orange Tic Tacs? Was Ellen Page witty yet vulnerable enough? Then good, mission accomplished.
Oh wait, what's that, you worry she didn't have an abortion? Go write your own god damn movie you worthless cunts. Diablo Cody, a woman who's lived the modern feminist ethos more than any of you slags could dream to, crafted a pitch perfect coming of age story that deals with pregnancy. Pregnancy. Not abortion. Abortion isn't funny. Unless maybe you get a clown to do it or the doctor wears a Groucho Marx disguise like Bobby Valentine.
This stream of idiocy lead finally to (where else?) the op-ed pages of the New York Times, where each and every day they seem intent on proving their are dumber things than hiring a smug neo-con douchebag. On Sunday (never let it be said The Gil Meche Experience isn't consistently two days behind the zeitgeist), Caitlin Flanagan drops the incredible news on us that not only is Juno "a fairy tale" but also that "[F]emale desire can bring with it a form of punishment no man can begin to imagine, and so it is one appetite women and girls must always regard with caution."
Chicks can get pregnant? Really? And it's from what again? Sex? Shut the holy hell up all of you fucking idiots. Emily Bazelon has a much more measured criticism of the article than I do, but she also gets paid to do it, so she has to be intelligent and demure. Me? I can reprint this line: "Does the full enfranchisement of girls depend on their being sexually liberated?" I can then say, "Yes it does you dried up old prude. Sex is as much a part of life as voting or working and trying to 'protect' girls from it is just as sexist as protecting them from playing college basketball."