You haven't seen football discussed often here for two reasons. One, the Jets' season was so miserable that their only notable achievement was to prove their fans are obviously not influenced by feminist doctrine. Two, Bushido Brown, our resident expert has decided things like "passing law school" and "making new friends" are more important than contributing. Hey, that's cool, he'll be able to represent me when I go a wee bit over the top some day with my threats and innuendo, and I'll glom off him and steal all his new high falootin monocle wearing friends.
That brings us to the subject of the Super Bowl, something that hasn't been referenced here since the very first post of this distinguished journal of lunacy. After the Cowboys and Packers crapped the bed against the Giants, I found myself with the one Super Bowl match up I absolutely didn't want to see: Giants v. Pats. Yet another fucking Manning against football's version of the Mongol Horde, except I'm sure not even Ghengis Kahn had Tom Brady's pocket protection. Who the hell was I supposed to root for? I figured while I watched I would just root for a nasty outbreak of malaria to grip both teams, or perhaps for Tom Petty to morph into some type of fire-breathing automaton during what I'm sure will be just a gripping halftime performance.
Then I got bored, visited ESPN.com and found that yet again some fucking asshole was shooting his mouth off about the Patriots. We've already seen Anthony Smith humiliated after suggesting the Pats wasn't so great, some putz on the Jags claimed Tom Brady was merely alright after he lit them up and Nick Hardwick pissed and moaned about cheap shot artist Richard Seymour. So what jackass Giant has put his ass on the line this time? Plaxico Buress has declared of the Giants mediocre wide receivers as compared to the Pats, "We have guys that can go out and do things just as well or maybe better than some of those guys."
This is getting ridiculous people. I'm not saying that you can't fire yourself up for a big game, but how many times do the Patriots need to be denigrated talent wise before people will shut the fuck up about it? Not to mention, I didn't see Eli Manning and Plax breaking offensive records left and right, nor did I see Tom Brady have a game this year where he threw four interceptions. How Amani Toomer possibly compares to Wes Welker or Donte Stallworth is beyond me. What's great is that after Toomer, I can't name a Giants wideout. I think they have a rookie named Steve Smith, but I only know that because of the good Steve Smith on the Carolina Panthers.
If Plax just had to run his mouth, he could have said the Giants defense has shown up to play in the playoffs, which is true since they derailed two of the top QBs in the NFC in consecutive weeks on the road. I'm trying to think of something else he could say that isn't too funny to consider, but I can't. Tom Brady was shaky last game against the Chargers, but he was also passing in cold weather and still led his team to a victory. Let's see if he doesn't air it out in the temperate climate of Shithole, Arizona, home of Internet University Stadium. Will Brandon Jacobs and that other guy run roughshod over what I've been told is a suspect Patriots run defense? I have no clue, but I know Michael Turner and Maurice Jones-Drew didn't.
Something else happened along the way as well. A couple days ago, after the media shitstorm about Tom Brady's boot, the ESPN was showing highlights from a Patriots' press conference. Amid the normal "That Bill Belichick hates injury reports" bullshit, Wes Welker and Lawrence Maroney both were at the microphones and both confided to the media that Belichick had asked each of them to be prepared to play quarterback. Know what? It was legitimately funny. For an allegedly gray toned team full of humorless "good soldier" types, I thought their deadpan performances were the exact right way to react to what is going to be the biggest non-story of the Super Bowl hype.
So guess what? I'm rooting for the Pats next week. Fuck Colonel Coughlin and his prickish demeanor, which is every bit as irritating as Bill Belichick's. Fuck that mouth breathing mongloid hick of QB they have and fuck his whole family. Fuck Michael Strahan's useless washed up ass and fuck Lawrence Tynes and the Giants fans who have pretended to forgive him. Fuck everyone who acts like their shit don't stink when talking about Boston sports fans, as if the fans in their city are so rational and well behaved in every instance. Fuck the Sports Guy too for that matter. If the Pats win, it's not like I'm gonna try and go to the victory parade. I'll just be content with knowing I watched a season that may never be replicated again in my life, when a group of jacked up freaks ran roughshod over the competition like the Wehrmacht did so many decades ago. Besides, if the Giants win, I'll have to suffer through much more bullshit than if they lose. Better to keep a Super Bowl victory parade I have no interest in out of my fucking city.