Sunday, January 27, 2008

Fuck It, Go Pats

You haven't seen football discussed often here for two reasons. One, the Jets' season was so miserable that their only notable achievement was to prove their fans are obviously not influenced by feminist doctrine. Two, Bushido Brown, our resident expert has decided things like "passing law school" and "making new friends" are more important than contributing. Hey, that's cool, he'll be able to represent me when I go a wee bit over the top some day with my threats and innuendo, and I'll glom off him and steal all his new high falootin monocle wearing friends.

That brings us to the subject of the Super Bowl, something that hasn't been referenced here since the very first post of this distinguished journal of lunacy. After the Cowboys and Packers crapped the bed against the Giants, I found myself with the one Super Bowl match up I absolutely didn't want to see: Giants v. Pats. Yet another fucking Manning against football's version of the Mongol Horde, except I'm sure not even Ghengis Kahn had Tom Brady's pocket protection. Who the hell was I supposed to root for? I figured while I watched I would just root for a nasty outbreak of malaria to grip both teams, or perhaps for Tom Petty to morph into some type of fire-breathing automaton during what I'm sure will be just a gripping halftime performance.

Then I got bored, visited and found that yet again some fucking asshole was shooting his mouth off about the Patriots. We've already seen Anthony Smith humiliated after suggesting the Pats wasn't so great, some putz on the Jags claimed Tom Brady was merely alright after he lit them up and Nick Hardwick pissed and moaned about cheap shot artist Richard Seymour. So what jackass Giant has put his ass on the line this time? Plaxico Buress has declared of the Giants mediocre wide receivers as compared to the Pats, "We have guys that can go out and do things just as well or maybe better than some of those guys."

This is getting ridiculous people. I'm not saying that you can't fire yourself up for a big game, but how many times do the Patriots need to be denigrated talent wise before people will shut the fuck up about it? Not to mention, I didn't see Eli Manning and Plax breaking offensive records left and right, nor did I see Tom Brady have a game this year where he threw four interceptions. How Amani Toomer possibly compares to Wes Welker or Donte Stallworth is beyond me. What's great is that after Toomer, I can't name a Giants wideout. I think they have a rookie named Steve Smith, but I only know that because of the good Steve Smith on the Carolina Panthers.

If Plax just had to run his mouth, he could have said the Giants defense has shown up to play in the playoffs, which is true since they derailed two of the top QBs in the NFC in consecutive weeks on the road. I'm trying to think of something else he could say that isn't too funny to consider, but I can't. Tom Brady was shaky last game against the Chargers, but he was also passing in cold weather and still led his team to a victory. Let's see if he doesn't air it out in the temperate climate of Shithole, Arizona, home of Internet University Stadium. Will Brandon Jacobs and that other guy run roughshod over what I've been told is a suspect Patriots run defense? I have no clue, but I know Michael Turner and Maurice Jones-Drew didn't.

Something else happened along the way as well. A couple days ago, after the media shitstorm about Tom Brady's boot, the ESPN was showing highlights from a Patriots' press conference. Amid the normal "That Bill Belichick hates injury reports" bullshit, Wes Welker and Lawrence Maroney both were at the microphones and both confided to the media that Belichick had asked each of them to be prepared to play quarterback. Know what? It was legitimately funny. For an allegedly gray toned team full of humorless "good soldier" types, I thought their deadpan performances were the exact right way to react to what is going to be the biggest non-story of the Super Bowl hype.

So guess what? I'm rooting for the Pats next week. Fuck Colonel Coughlin and his prickish demeanor, which is every bit as irritating as Bill Belichick's. Fuck that mouth breathing mongloid hick of QB they have and fuck his whole family. Fuck Michael Strahan's useless washed up ass and fuck Lawrence Tynes and the Giants fans who have pretended to forgive him. Fuck everyone who acts like their shit don't stink when talking about Boston sports fans, as if the fans in their city are so rational and well behaved in every instance. Fuck the Sports Guy too for that matter. If the Pats win, it's not like I'm gonna try and go to the victory parade. I'll just be content with knowing I watched a season that may never be replicated again in my life, when a group of jacked up freaks ran roughshod over the competition like the Wehrmacht did so many decades ago. Besides, if the Giants win, I'll have to suffer through much more bullshit than if they lose. Better to keep a Super Bowl victory parade I have no interest in out of my fucking city.


Epidimos said...

burress didn't put down a single patriots player. in fact, I'd say that was a compliment to their receivers. you must realize that your taking offense to this statement clearly shows how mediocre and one dimensional the patriots really are. they are a pass-only team that has shown how vulnerable they are when you simply double cover randy moss. the 2007 patriots are simply the next version of the 2006, er 2005, er 2004 indianapolis colts, an honor that is merely a reflection of their gluttonous and transparent passing game that requires little thought and instead an overwhelming number of 4-wideout sets with guys that happen to be quick. power over finesse. the age-old debate. and anyway, eli manning had a better game than brady last week. so there goes your cold weather theory. and it is also cute, or is the word adorable?, that you are so jealous of the giants and their coach who has grown up and changed for the better (maybe he should teach our shitty politicians a thing or two). and no true giant fan likes that piece of shit tynes or has remotely forgiven him and certainly does not want the giants to resign him, so I'm not really sure where you got that little diddy from. well, better luck next year jets! and get your own stadium!

Pulp said...

Jesus Pat, has some half-retarded jackass stolen your internet access? I'm used to seeing rambling nonsense on the AOL Fanhouse comment sections, but never here. Ah well, to what you said.

First of all, how you could arrive at the conclusion that the Pats are mediocre is such an incredible leap in logic it's akin to traveling in hyperspace. Sorry, I've been watching Battlestar Galactica. As much as it pains me to admit it, Laurence Maroney is a beast of a running back, and he proved it against Jacksonville two weeks ago and last week against San Diego (sorry Ush) with back to back 122 yard, 5 yard per rush games. The Pats rely so heavily on their passing game because they can, but when the going gets nasty, they've proven they can grind it out with the best of them.

As for the Colonel, the only thing I think he could "teach our shitty politicians" (seriously, who are you, Wally Mathews?) is the proper way to rub Vaseline onto one's face after an extended amount of time spent in zero degree temperatures.

If I've offended you so terribly, you could call me or you could man up, make your Super Bowl prediction and put it on the front page for our six readers to see. Then, if the Giants win the Super Bowl, you'll have really gotten one over on me. However, keep in mind they'll have defeated what is merely a "mediocre, one dimensional" team. Ho ho.

Ush said...

So yeah, got to go with pulp on this one, pat.

First of all, the thing that makes the Patriots so damn is good is their ability to adapt. They can beat you with the long ball with Randy Moss, and if you take it away they can kill you all day with short slants to Welker, and if you totally commit to stopping the pass, they can bring in the two tight-end formation and run Maroney down your throat. (which is how they beat the Chargers in the 4th last week.)

Basically, I hate both teams, but unless a pretty big miracle happens, the Patriots will win. Anyway, hopefully then everyone will shut up about how Eli Manning has arrived. Jesus, he had a 73 quarter back rating this year.

Apartment 618 said...