Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Fred Thompson ('s Campaign) Is Dead! Long Live (Eh, I Could Go Either Way) Fred Thompson!

Finally, a big name drops off the face of the Earth in this two year insanity we call presidential politics. While Fred's surrender deprives us of a young and virile First Lady who we'd all love to see at Gate D, anyone who's been paying attention can't be too surprised.

From the moment Thompson entered the race, he exhibited a ridiculous level of laziness. I understand what he was going through, because I'd rather order Papa John's over the internet than dare pick up a phone or even walk the one block to pick it up. However, while I would make a great President, I'm not dumb enough to enter a race and expect people to do everything for me. I remember in particular, during one of his early public appearances, Thompson came out sounding like he'd eaten a handful of Ambien. After being particularly uninspiring, he exhorted the crowd to cheer for him. I had never seen anything like that in any kind of campaign. Think about how boring you have to be for a bunch of geeked out volunteers not to cheer for your bullshit speech about how Ronald Reagan visited you from White Heaven.

No, Fred Thompson never did have a chance. He was a Hollywood actor and a Fox News ideologue, but he didn't have Dutch's easygoing smile or the good fortune of an angry white male backlash. I always thought Thompson's candidacy was a bit of a joke, some desperate ploy cooked up by Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh in the midst of an opium binge.

As for his geeked out volunteers, I'll admit to having some sympathy for them. In the throes of my own debilitating drug addiction, I developed a temporary psychosis and jumped onto the "Draft Wesley Clark" movement. After all, it may have been late in the race, but he was the most electable guy out there. The waiting Messiah, just biding his time until the dramatic rescue would take place. Instead, we got a guy who was obviously unprepared for the job, in way over his head and quickly lost his sheen after one public appearance. Don't cry for Fred Thompson though. He made himself relevant again and had his moment in the Sun when he told that uppity bitch he wouldn't raise his hand. He established residency in the Kingdom of Fox News and will no doubt be rewarded with a talking head show that leads into O'Reilly.

The only person I really feel bad for is me. I missed my chance to run this picture over and over, and I'll never be able to do it again.


Left to right: Viable Presidential candidate, Hollywood ghoul

1 comment:

Rob said...

If I was a citizen, I'd vote for the guy on the left!