Friday, November 30, 2007

Miracle Watch

New York, Nov. 30 - Religious leaders and hockey commentators around the world are still left grasping for the words in the wake of the New York Rangers offensive explosion.

The team, which had struggled to compete in the offensive side of hockey games, suddenly exploded for four goals against their arch-rival, the New York Islanders. Even more surprising was the fact that two of the goals came on the power play, the term used when one team has more players on the ice the other.

"Well you know, Coach [Tom Renney] said to just keep shooting and we did, and I guess that's what happens when you shoot the puck towards the net," said newly acquired free agent Chris Drury. Drury added, "It felt good to do that, maybe we'll score a couple more goals next game. That's what we're supposed to do, right?"

Rangers' goaltender Henrik Lundqvist witnessed the offensive explosion from the other side of the ice. "Yeah usually I have to throw myself all over the god damned ice just get us a point in a shootout. But hey, it's nice to be able to take the night off every now and then." Lundqvist said he doesn't expect the team to score four goals again all season and is gearing up for a string of 1-0 and 2-1 victories.

The Rangers, who have made defense and goaltending their calling cards this season, denied any rumors of the supernatural coming into play before or during the game. But Rabbi Michael Lowenstein of Islip, NY disagrees. "This unheard of event is only possible through the work of the Lord. The Rangers players might believe that they were the ones behind this, but all miracles come through the hands of God and God alone." Father Brendan Maloney of Sunnyside has a different theory. "These boys obviously did some kind of dark ceremony before the game. How else can you explain a team that didn't even know what a goal was all of a sudden scoring four of them? No, if it wasn't Satan they were pledging their souls to, it was probably one of those pagan Northern European religions. They have a bunch of those Nordic types, don't they?"

The Islanders organization issued a media blackout as team executives met to decide their course of action following the loss. Sources deep in the talks claimed options ranged from firing head coach Ted Nolan to folding the team altogether. Goaltender Rick DiPietro, the recipient of a 10 year contract just last year, has gone into seclusion. Rumors of his suicide have not been confirmed but authorities are dredging the Atlantic coastline along Long Island after multiple witnesses claimed to have seen a "drunk and disheveled" DiPietro throw himself off a dock in the town of Babylon.

For now, the Rangers seem to be focusing on the task of continuing to win hockey games. "It's not that I don't think these guys can't score," explained Renney, "but if I were a Ranger fan, I sure as hell wouldn't get my hopes up, eh?"

Thursday, November 29, 2007

It Only Makese Sense Until You Stop To Think About It

Over at Deadspin, Will Leitch is clucking that the lazy sports reporters over at his old paper, the Daily Illini are too busy posting drunk athlete photos. Hey, good for him, he's worried about the youth.

Then some part of your brain perks up. "Hey," it says, "isn't Deadspin that blog that got famous for posting embarrassing stories about Chris Berman and drunk pictures of every athlete in America?" You think about this and you say, "Good catch brain. I wonder what the fuck is up with that bitchy post then."

Also not to missed today on Deadspin is the news that transsexual beauty pageants are a "vivid reminder of why America is so hated." Will, please oh please leave political punditry to the professionals.

Greasebot Update: A Worse Fan Than Previously Thought

PolitiFact, scourge of the untruthers everywhere has uncovered another piece of Mitt Romney attempting to be human and failing.

Eighty-six.

That’s how many years passed between the team's 1918 World Series victory and its next one in 2004. It's a number that has been used in so many descriptions of suffering fans ("86 years of despair and disappointment" . . . "86-year drought" . . . "86 long and depressing years") that it’s iconic.

Do a Google search on the phrase "86 years," as we did, and five of the first 10 listings relate to the Red Sox.

But when Mitt Romney, the former governor of Massachusetts and a self-described "true-suffering fan" of the Sox, spoke about his team at the CNN/YouTube debate on Nov. 28, 2007, he used a different number:

Eighty-seven.

In fact, he used the wrong number twice in a row.

"Eighty-seven long years," Romney said. "We waited 87 long years. And true suffering Red Sox fans that my family and I are, we could not have been more happy than to see the Red Sox win the World Series, except by being able to beat the Yankees when they were ahead three games to none."

Meep-mop...system overload!

Why didn't I call Greasebot out on this last night? Because I'm not a Red Sox fan, dick.

Mitt Romney Is Full Of Shit

Four years of a political science education should allow me to go deeper into the presidential election than this, but that would have meant paying attention those four years. Instead, I am going to point out one desperate grab to look normal that Mitt Romney executed at the end of the latest CNN/YouTube debacle.

Some putz asked Rudy how he can justify his rooting for the Red Sox in the series this year. Rudy went with his incredible, "I'm an AL fan" response, and then for shits and giggles I guess, Anderson Cooper asked Greasebot to chime in. Mitt said he and his family suffered the long 87 years between Red Sox championships just like any other fan.

Sure it makes sense for the former governor of Massachusetts to claim that. Except that greasy fucking robot and his wife didn't move to Boston until 1971, when they were 24 and 22 respectively. In fact, they were both born in Michigan. Wassamatta Mitt, ashamed of the Tigers? Not to mention, the correct thing to point out now is that Boston is about as much of a baseball dynasty as the 21st Century has had to offer so far. Between him and Rudy, the Red Sox sure got some bullshit fans.

Also, fuck Anderson Cooper for picking that question that let Greasebot and Rudy seem vaguely human.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Hot Stove News With Hot Stove Pete!

Greetings roundball fans! Your number one source for information and influenza is here to give you the scoop on who's cooking on the Hot Stove!

  • Big news on the pitcher market! Stud Twin pitcher Yo-Yo Santana is up for auction this off-season! Minnesota bigwigs say they hope the prospect of a date with their handsome lefty can raise enough money to keep the Minneapolis fire department open!
  • It's raining A's! "Moneyball" wunderkid Bill Bane is looking to dump payroll again and he may have a supple partner in New York's Metropolitans! Hispanic GM Omar Minaya likes what he sees in Oakland rollers Dan Harden and Joe Blanton. According to our sources, Minaya might be able to acquire both players for young Joe Smith, as Beane is rumored to have a dangerous fetish for cherub faced underhanders!
  • Canadian superstar Jason "Chignecto" Bay is rumored to be thinking of jumping the border fence back north! Swashbucklers' front office sources say the home run hunk is in discussions to be the centerpiece of a Canadian baseball league! Bay asked fellow canuck Eric Gagne to come along but was informed by Gagne's camp that a return to "Oh Canada" would mean certain death for the permed-up pitcher!
  • New England Patriots leading man Tom Brady will be steamed to learn that Red Stockings pitchman Jonathon Papelbon has been recording Brady's supermodel girlfriend Gazelle Buchenwald on the toilet!
  • Florida owner Jeffrey Loria is apparently desperately jealous that the Yankees pulled former beau Joe Girardi back into pinstripes. "Jeffrey just didn't realize what he had when Joe was here and now he knows he'll never lure Joe back from the Yankees" reports a spy. Loria's spokesman called the story "preposterous" and kicked a reporter down a flight of stairs when asked if it was Loria that has been calling Girardi's office and hanging up!
  • Oft-injured journeyman Cal Ripken is talking about coming out of retirement for a shot at playing a full season. Known as the "Glass Man" in his playing days for his extraordinary talent at getting injured, Cal has been telling friends and family he still has the itch to get out there and snag a few cans of yams. Good luck Cal!
  • Could wedding bells be ringing for free agent Carlos Silva? Rumor has it the control artist is ready to slip a commitment ring on Nationals' GM Jim Bowden's finger! Both camps deny the rumors, but a witness at DC hotspot Triage saw the two swooning over contract details at a private table! "It was gross" she giggles, "they really should just get a room."
Well that's all the news we have for you now you inquiring infielders. But don't worry, I'll be back quicker than JoJo Reyes steals first base!

Monday, November 26, 2007

Words Are Fun

Last night, in a fit of oddness, John Madden quietly mentioned that a person could get anything they want that ends with"t" on the Madden Cruiser. So I guess next time you see the old man, knock on the door of the motorhome and request any of these fine things.

  • Pot
  • Dogfight
  • Prostitot
  • Smut
  • Silt
  • Detergent
  • Snot
  • Shit
  • AIDST
Chime in with your own immature potshots at a broadcasting legend!

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Found Reviews

Why was I watching Marci X Sunday at 12 noon? Because I smoke crack yo. But not as much as whoever left this review on IMDB.

Paul Rudnick, one of the best comedy writers of the moment, wrote this hilarious screen play that is the basis for "Marci X". Fans of rap needn't complain about the movie, this wasn't obviously a vehicle for them to enjoy, this is an acerbic satire on the genre. As directed by Richard Benjamin, a man that should be seen more often, both as an actor and as a director, this comedy connects with Mr. Rudnick's wit, producing an amazing result.

The idea of a distinguished Jewish philanthropist being dragged through the mud because one of the record companies, he doesn't even know he owns, employs a "gangsta rapper" by the name of Dr. S, is preposterous. Never fear, his neglected princess daughter, the ditzy Marci, comes to her father's help. This girl is into a world of her own, but no one can ever accuse her to be political incorrect.

The first scene when Marci goes to the Harlem theater where Dr. S is performing one of his numbers is one of the funniest things in the film. Marci knows quite well how to defeat this bigoted person: by the sheer power of her designer wardrobe! After all, blacks are more into fashion than even those fashionistas one sees all over the place with the right accouterments and designers initials! Of course, Marci is a hit with the crowd when she, and her girlfriends show the latest Chanel handbags to the women in the audience. They all have the same bags, or knock offs of the real thing!

This is a film to watch for the humor of Mr. Rudnick's writing. Why, just look at some of the names of the characters: Laren Farb, Caitlin Mellowiz, Kirsten Blatt are the 3 girlfriends that serve as a Greek chorus to back up Marci in every function she attends! There's also a Mary Ellen Spinkle and a Lane Strayfield! I mean, with names like these, how could they do anything wrong?

The cast is excellent. Not being a Lisa Kudrow fan, one has to admit she does all right as Marci under Mr. Benjamin's direction. Damon Wayans' character, on the other hand, seems to be walking a border line between being straight, or gay, the way he plays his Dr. S. The supporting players do excellent jobs. Jane Krakowski, last year's Tony winner, Veanne Cox, Christine Baranski, Charles Kimbrough, are theater actors one sees with frequency on the New York stages.

As a satire about the hip-hop movement, Mr. Benjamin has done wonders with the help of Mr. Rudnick's material.

The Sound and The Fury...

of outraged Jet fans. Yes, sanity has been found in the Gate D controversy as all involved parties have owned up to either their bad behavior or their passing the buck when it comes to stopping it.

In other news, Tara Reid has been awarded a MacArthur Genius grant to study terrorism in our modern age.

Yes, just when you thought the Gate D story had only one angle, the extremely brave Jets Tits offered up a rambling and bizarre explanation for the alternative halftime show.

The crowd gathers when there is 2 minutes left in the 2nd Quarter. The ramps really fill up right at halftime. The first step is the warm the crowd up. Various participants take on the role of Fireman Eddie. Someone leans over the railing, quiets the crowd and then proceeds to lead the masses in T-I-T-S TITS TITS TITS!!! The fans modified the main New York Jets cheer. J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS!!! became T-I-T-S TITS TITS TITS!!!.

After the first or second round of cheers, a woman is spotted in the crowd standing by the railing as if she was answering our mating call of T-I-T-S TITS TITS TITS!!! The leader would then point to the woman and the crowd would go wild. Screams of joy, happiness, relief, anticipation....until the leader again quiets the crowd and begins the chant...T-I-T-S TITS TITS TITS!!! The eager woman then will play to the crowd. She will tease and taunt until everyone in the crowd is ready. The third chant is typically when it all happens. With the guidance of our version of Fireman Eddie, T-I-T-S TITS TITS TITS!!!
and she flashes the crowd and it starts all over again...

Wow. This kind of rhetoric is on par with other great thinkers of our age. I'm thinking of people like well, Tara Reid or the late, great Senator Robert Blutarski. I have to say, the way Jets Tits describes the event is touching. Perhaps those of us who condemned them were wrong to think these guys are troglodytes whose wives and girlfriends occasionally fall down the stairs.

Next post will be all about David Picker. Photos, where he went to school, what he writes about, how he fabricated this story and more...stay tuned...

Then again, maybe they're just as god damn crazy as we had imagined. Look out David Picker, before you know it some guy in a vomit stained Joe Klecko jersey will be outside your house screaming at you to show your tits. It takes a brave man to hide behind a Myspace profile devoted to bullying women. Hell, this dude must have a bunch of medals from Iraq or maybe he was a special forces soldier protecting us in ways we'll never know.

By the by, peep the comment section over at CTSB where Alex Benesowitz puts The Tribe to shame by letting everyone know the real deal behind Gate D. To quote my favorite part,

This tradition has been going on for years not just because they are a bad team. I go to every game with my dad and my SISTER. She knows what goes on there but it’s only common knowledge not to walk near a crowd of drunk men, let a lone a crowd of drunk men yelling “SHOW YOUR TITS” its harmless fun.

One can only wonder how many times Alex has asked his SISTER to show her tits.

Game ball to Gerald at Can't Stop The Bleeding for unearthing Jets Tits.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Christmas Comes Early...On Thanksgiving

I don't know what Met fans did to deserve this, but somehow, fans manage to have something to thankful for this off-season. After the collapse, we've ranged between crying little emo kids and downright vituperative. And yet...Guillermo Mota is off the Mets. So make sure you're that asshole who mentions it at your dinner table when everyone is talking about how happy they are for their healthy families and steady jobs.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Axis of Idiocy

It's a rare thing that three of my least favorite columnists drop dumb bombs on three consecutive days, but who am I to pass it up? May as well take this in date order, which means first up, Thomas Friedman.

Now, for awhile, Tom was laying low. He was focusing more on safe issues like environmentalism and how in India they don't talk like "gobbly googody blah". But now he's safely back on the WTF Train. Case in point, his Sunday column, which dealt with the question of whose Iran diplomacy is better: Barack Obama or Dick Cheney.

If she were taking advantage of Mr. Cheney’s madness, Secretary Rice would be going to Tehran and saying to the Iranians: “Look, I’m ready to cut a deal with you guys, but I have to tell you, back home, I’ve got Cheney on my back and he is truly craaaaazzzzy. You guys don’t know the half of it. He thinks waterboarding is what you do with your grandchildren at the pool on Sunday. I’m not sure how much longer I can restrain him. So maybe we should have a serious nuke talk, and, if it goes well, we’ll back off regime change.”

Those striking writers better look out, because Thomas Friedman is making me double over with laughter here. Spelling crazy with multiple "a's"? Waterboarding is something you do with your grandkids? Never before has our monstrous Vice President seemed so wacky! But seriously, you know why this would never work? Unless we're living in some kind of parallel universe where America hasn't trashed its reputation, military might, economic power and drug quality in the past six years, Iran has nothing to fear from us. Sure, we could turn them into a lake of glass, but would that help us at all? If Condoleezza Rice went to Iran and told them to shape up or Dick Cheney would be coming to get them, they'd laugh her out of the country. Hell, they might even kill her just to prove a point.

Next!

Anne Applebaum hasn't gotten much play around these parts, but that's mostly because she deals with Russia and Eastern Europe and I don't always understand Russian politics. Rest assured that I hate her anyway, since what I do understand is neither brilliant nor insightful. On Monday Anne dealt with the blindingly obvious in her Slate piece entitled "The Damage Done: How the War in Iraq Has Hurt America". Keeping in mind that Applebaum is a highly compensated political commentator, what has she come up with for us?

Not because things aren't improving in Iraq—it seems they are, at least for the moment—but because the collateral damage inflicted by the war on America's relationships with the rest of the world is a lot deeper and broader than most Americans have yet realized. It isn't just that the Iraq war invigorated the anti-Americanism that has always been latent pretty much everywhere. Far worse is the fact that—however it all comes out in the end, however successful Iraqi democracy becomes a decade from now—our conduct of the war in Iraq has disillusioned our natural friends and supporters and thrown a lasting shadow over our military and political competence. However it all comes out, the price we've paid is too high.

Anne Applebaum ladies and gentlemen! Who knew that acting like complete assholes would get the world all mad at us and shit? I mean, if the Ladder Theory states you need to be an asshole to get women, why wouldn't it work for international politics as well? Maybe we should have tried to be whiny emo kids instead.

Next!

Why David Brooks likes to talk about music is beyond me. If you judge people on looks alone (which I heartily recommend) you would know by his picture that David Brooks got beat up by kids in the marching band in high school. He also has no fucking clue what he's talking about, a trend that continues in today's mistake, "The Segmented Society". See, David is worried that Steven Van Zandt is worried about the fact that there are no more mega-bands anymore. Wait...what?

The 1970s were a great moment for musical integration. Artists like the Rolling Stones and Springsteen drew on a range of musical influences and produced songs that might be country-influenced, soul-influenced, blues-influenced or a combination of all three. These mega-groups attracted gigantic followings and can still fill huge arenas.

But cultural history has pivot moments, and at some point toward the end of the 1970s or the early 1980s, the era of integration gave way to the era of fragmentation. There are now dozens of niche musical genres where there used to be this thing called rock. There are many bands that can fill 5,000-seat theaters, but there are almost no new groups with the broad following or longevity of the Rolling Stones, Springsteen or U2.

But other causes flow from the temper of the times. It’s considered inappropriate or even immoral for white musicians to appropriate African-American styles. And there’s the rise of the mass educated class.

Van Zandt grew up in one era and now thrives in the other, but how long can mega-groups like the E Street Band still tour?

“This could be the last time,” he says.

He argues that if the Rolling Stones came along now, they wouldn’t be able to get mass airtime because there is no broadcast vehicle for all-purpose rock. And he says that most young musicians don’t know the roots and traditions of their music. They don’t have broad musical vocabularies to draw on when they are writing songs.

As a result, much of their music (and here I’m bowdlerizing his language) stinks.

Van Zandt has a way to counter all this, at least where music is concerned. He’s drawn up a high school music curriculum that tells American history through music. It would introduce students to Muddy Waters, the Mississippi Sheiks, Bob Dylan and the Allman Brothers. He’s trying to use music to motivate and engage students, but most of all, he is trying to establish a canon, a common tradition that reminds students that they are inheritors of a long conversation.

And Van Zandt is doing something that is going to be increasingly necessary for foundations and civic groups. We live in an age in which the technological and commercial momentum drives fragmentation. It’s going to be necessary to set up countervailing forces — institutions that span social, class and ethnic lines.

Music used to do this. Not so much anymore.

That isn't the whole column, just the best parts. I mean, look at all the wrong in here. Brooks bemoaning the fact that blacks got pissed at whitey for ripping off blues, jazz, rock and hip hop. By the way, Cool as Ice is cued up on my DVR for tonight. Yes, I am excited. Anyway, back to the column. Fuck Van Zandt's idea for his canon. How can you leave out slave songs and jazz? How can he not realize that the new American rock music vocabulary is based on punk, not jazz and blues? But I guess if Steven Van Zandt doesn't like it it sucks. Or, "stinks". Fuck that, I never liked Bruce Springsteen anyway.

Hey look, bonus stupid!



Monday, November 19, 2007

Carl Brutananadilewski Watch

Thanks to the New York Times, I'm now learning that by not going to Jet games not only am I missing out on overpriced beers but also a rape mob.

At halftime of the Jets' home game against the Pittsburgh Steelers on Sunday, several hundred men lined one of Giants Stadium’s two pedestrian ramps at Gate D. Three deep in some areas, they whistled and jumped up and down. Then they began an obscenity-laced chant, demanding that the few women in the gathering expose their breasts. When one woman appeared to be on the verge of obliging, the hooting and hollering intensified. But then she walked away, and plastic beer bottles and spit went flying. Boos swept through the crowd of unsatisfied men.

Marco Hoffner, an 18-year-old from Lacey Township, N.J., was expecting to see more. Not from the Jets — they pulled off a big upset over the Steelers. He wanted more from the alternative halftime show that, according to many fans, has been a staple at Jets home games for years.

“Very disappointed, because we’re used to seeing a lot,” Hoffner said.

Please tell me this guy,

“This is the game,” said Patrick Scofield, a 20-year-old from Poughkeepsie, N.Y., who has attended several Jets games the last two seasons.

Doesn't sound a lot like this guy:

Look for Carl to be cursing the futility of Mangenius any day now.