Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Headlines That Are Hilarious Out Of Context

Yes, it sure is nice that the House of Reprentatives doesn't want to vote for genocide. Next I hear they'll vote against ritualized human sacrifice.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Ann Coulter Bravely Steps On A Mine For Josh Gibson

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You would think that Ann Coulter gets a gold star for dumbest thing uttered by a right wing hack this week, but you would be oh so wrong. Ann has certainly got a backlash out of this one, and I'm sure she'll find tangling with the tribe is much different than insulting some 9/11 widows. Just some advice bubelah: when your agent can't seem to find the time to take your calls, maybe you should reconsider how perfect we are. Also, enjoy the boycott calls from your previously supportive Jewish pals. Seriously, see how far your support for Israel gets you now. Do not fuck with us.

But no, gold star this week goes to John "Make More Babies" Gibson, who asserted that he knew the latest school shooter was white. Why? Because he killed himself. And "hip hoppers don't do that. They shoot and move on to shoot again." Keeping in mind that everyone's favorite Azn assassin blew his brains out and last time I checked Asians are not white, how else is Gibson's latest headshaker worse than the rest?

Outside of the crotchety grandpa act of blaming "the hip hop" and playing a variety of 50 Cent clips, let's examine Gibson's absolute cowardice in not being able to come to grips with his own racism.

GIBSON: He killed himself. Hip-hoppers do not kill themselves. They walk away. Now, I didn't need to hear the kid was white with blond hair. Once he'd shot himself in the head, no hip-hopper.

Let's substitute "black" in where he said "hip hoppers".

GIBSON: He killed himself. Blacks do not kill themselves. They walk away. Now, I didn't need to hear the kid was white with blond hair. Once he'd shot himself in the head, no black.

Even better, as many racists who are "just trying to help" often do, Gibson claims that his assertions are crouched in a concern for the African American community.

GIBSON: "I bought a brand new gun today. I'm gonna shoot you in the face." This culture has even reached the school campus. We're not in the Kip Kinkel era of school shootings anymore; it has changed. Yes, I know the shooter was white. I knew it as soon as he shot himself. Hip-hoppers don't do that. They shoot and move on to shoot again. Triple-8, 788-9910. I know there's a few of you who want to call me racist. But when you do, remind -- let me remind you, African-Americans are dying in major cities because people won't face this problem.

Yes, we all remember when "Get Rich or Die Trying" went on that rampage in Oakland. And who can forget the fateful day in Detroit when "Reasonable Doubt" killed 15 people in the greatest musical massacre since the Columbine Boys hummed Marylin Manson.

(Thanks to Alternet, This Modern World and Media Matters)

Friday, October 5, 2007

The Election is Absolutely Not a Giant Charade

Campaign media must be bored already, because they're already making up the stupidest fucking questions of all time. Yes, let's worry about flag lapel pins intrepid reporter from Cedar Rapids. But we can't forget the Associated Press for making a story out of the interview, and then the Obama camp for responding to it so as not to appear unpatriotic. Oh yeah, and then let's be sure to ask John Edwards about it. I mean hell, it's not like there are any other problems in America.

A Delightful Anecdote Thanks to Alcohol and Ignorance

Watching the Yankee game, I'm reminded of a great moment I saw at a bar last night. Jason Giambi pinch hit in the top of the 9th and got a base hit.

Drunk Guy: Way to finally get a hit Giambi! Yeah, wait until the 9th.
Bartender: Wasn't that his first at bat?
Drunk Guy: Oh yeah! It's his first at bat!

Playoff Newz You Can Chooze To Uze

Highlights from MLB's Playoffs, from my keyboard to your eyesockets.

  • Kaz Matsui finally starts doing damage to the Mets' NL East opponents. Unfortunately, he's doing it as a Rockie. Kaz came a single short of the cycle and prompted one of the greatest text messages I've ever received: "Kaz Matsui?". The Phils pitching continues to hover between just bad enough to lose in Cole Hamels and cover your eyes bad in Jose Mesa. Let that sink in, that Jose Mesa pitched in a playoff game. In 2007. Colorado goes home up 2-0, and will throw complete unknown Ubaldo Jimenez against World's Greatest Grandpa Jamie Moyer. Expect a score of 15-13, with one pitcher suicide on each team.
  • Well, so much for Ted Lilly. Hours after my father told me how much he would have liked him on the Mets this year, Lilly completely shat the bed against the Diamondbacks. No location led to a short night for Lilly, who walked four and gave up a monster home run to Chris Young. Kudos to Lilly's mound antics post-homer though. I've never seen a pitcher throw his glove after giving up a bomb. This loss comes on the heels of the Cubs' loss on Wednesday when Lou Piniella took out ace Carlos Zambrano to save him for a Game 4 that may never happen. Things head to Wrigley, which I'm sure is a pleasant place right now, for Game 3, featuring Rich Hill against Livan Hernandez, Ush's absolute favoritest pitcher in the whole wide world.
  • Wang gets wonged in the ding dong in Cleveland as fans with unintentionally yet hilariously racist signs like "Not In Our Teepee" celebrate four Indian home runs. Three came off of Wang who's trademark sinker must have abandoned him. I don't fuckin know, I only saw the game when it got really ugly. However, it made sitting next to the drunk Yankee fan at the bar enormously entertaining. Magic elf Kenny Lofton drove in a career playoff high 4 runs and tied Rickey Henderson for most post-season stolen bases. A curious decision by manager Eric Wedge to bring in Rafael Betancourt up by 9 runs, but maybe he needed the work. The series stays in Cleveland for Game 2 as Andy Pettitte goes up against Fausto Carmona. A note on Pettitte. In the 2003 World Series, when it looked like he had pitched his last game as a Yankee, I gave him a little golf clap while watching on TV. That he was leaving to go home to Houston seemed classy, and I never really hated Pettitte like the other Yankees. Well this year he came back, spitting my golf clap in my face. So hopefully this becomes Pettitte's last start as a Yankee and he gets bombed. The end.
  • Josh Beckett absolutely pwned the Angels Thursday night, a performance that could only be matched in the real world by literally ripping someone's head off their shoulders and presenting it to their wife and children. David Ortiz continued his post-season rampage with a homer wrapped around the Pesky Pole, and Kevin Youkillis struck a note for Jews with beards everywhere by leading off the bottom of the first with a homer up the Green Monster. The Angels look to even things up tonight, matching Kelvim Escobar up against Daisuke Matsuzaka. Dice-K not only has all of Boston's hopes on his shoulders, but also the country of Japan, so look for him to walk around crouched real low to the ground all day. Tip your waitress folks, I'll be here all week.

Yes

Sure it's a depraved laugh at the expense of some poor sucker who blew his head off. But couldn't America use a few more people who care this much? Or at the very least, a few more people willing to cover politicians in brains and bits of skull? The money quote:

"Y'all have put me under. ... I'm out of here," he said before shooting himself in the head with a small handgun.

If there's a heaven, there should be a special place in it reserved for people like Ronald.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

The John Stewart Paradox

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Watch the video above. On the one hand, I bet it makes you feel good that John Stewart tears Chris Mathews a new asshole and pretty much savages his book. It's fun, and you should like it, because Mathews is an ass whose livelihood depends on soundbite politics and well, people who treat life like a campaign.

On the other hand, at the end of the video, they share a laugh and Stewart and Mathews are still friends. I don't necessarily know what I expect of John Stewart. He is, after all, merely the host of a satiric, albeit popular, news show. But, as was demonstrated by his insane appearance on Crossfire so many years ago, he's also very capable of expressing complete distaste for the kind of moronic jockeying that goes on during cable news programs.

What does it mean when they say they'll still be friends at the end? It's not as if I or any other Daily Show viewers have a right to demand that Stewart continue that public humiliation by say, not shaking Mathews' hand or telling him never to appear on the show again. Especially since Mathews is hardly the most loathsome person to ever be on the Daily Show. Am I reading too much into these situations by thinking that his friendliness sometimes makes Stewart part of the problem he professes to fight? I don't know. I'm grateful that Stewart is sometimes wiling to confront his guests, but sometimes I think those guests are a little too comfortable with their grilling.

(Gold coin to cross the River Styx to The Largest Minority)

Brave New World

Just when you thought the Jena 6 thing might blow over, a bunch of fucking idiots drag it back. In one of those charming moments that show that white people will never learn, we have whitey reenacting the Jena 6. And not only is it racially insensitive, but the production values are terrible.


I know, I know. They casted a black person to scream "nigger lover"? What the hell is up with that? Oh come on, I'm supposed to approach this seriously? These must be some of the dumbest people on Earth. So dumb in fact, that they comprise the stupid minority that watches Mind of Mencia and Frank TV. It's one thing to actually do this. It's another thing to record it. But at that point you're just an asshole. But doing it, recording it and posting it on Facebook? Come on, how do you even know how to breathe? I mean, what am I supposed to do with this:

"We were just playin n the mud and it got out of hand. I promise i'm not racist. i have just as many black friends as i do white. And i love them to death."

What joke is there to make here?? Oh, I got one. Maybe she shouldn't be talking about death and her black friends in the same sentence. Hah! Still got it.

(Big ups to Alternet and Pam's House Blend)

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Attention TBS

I will not watch Frank TV. Never ever ever. I won't even go look up to see if it's a sketch comedy show or some kind of insane sitcom that takes place in the schizophrenic mind of Frank...uh...whatever his name is. I don't know who told you that viewers enjoy the same commercials between every inning of a baseball game, but they were wrong.

I know, I know. You have the charts and the marketing experts and the voodoo priests. But only the dumbest mouth breathers on planet could respond positively to the advertising barrage you've unleashed on us. And yes, so many people watch Mind of Mencia that Carlos the Jackal is now getting movie roles, so there are certainly a ton of stupid people with access to television. But the kind of stupid that would agree to watch Frank TV now is a minority even within that group.

At this point, every time either Dane Cook or Frank comes on my television, I imagine the two oft hem being forced to fight in a fiery pit. The winner gets to live for another five minutes before being torn apart by the dogs of Hell. So please, call off the blitz, I'm begging you.

David Brooks is Concerend for Our Youth

Today we check in with David Brooks, who is concerned at the demands put on our children and their inability to really bust out and get loose. I wish I were kidding.

A few decades ago, before TV commercials became obsessively concerned with prostate problems


Given his age, a problem David Brooks shouldn't joke about.

Jack Kerouac wrote a book called “On the Road.” It was greeted rapturously by many as a burst of rollicking, joyous American energy. People quoted the famous lines: “The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn.”

Brooks should have proven his hipness by noting that contemporary rock hitmakers The Hold Steady choose the line "Boys and girls in America, they have such a sad time together."

“On the Road” turned 50 last month, and over the past few weeks a line of critics have taken another look at the book, and this time their descriptions of it, whether they like it or not, are very different.

I do not like different things! They confuse and anger me!

But reading through the anniversary commemorations, you feel the gravitational pull of the great Boomer Narcissus. All cultural artifacts have to be interpreted through whatever experiences the Baby Boomer generation is going through at that moment.

Ah yes, a favorite Brooks target. Let's blame everything on the Baby Boomers and make fun of middle aged people! Isn't it just wild how they only give a shit about themselves? You ever get the feeling the local hippies treated David Brooks kinda shitty?

So a book formerly known for its youthful exuberance now becomes a book of gloomy middle-aged disillusion. (In 20 years, “The Cat in the Hat” will be read as a commentary on unreliable home health care workers.)

I disagree. In 20 years, "The Cat in the Hat" will still be a delightful children's tale. Not only that, but all the copies of the movie version will be shot into the Sun.

But the real secret of the book was its discharge of youthful energy, the stupid, reckless energy that saves “On the Road” from being a dreadful novel. The delightful, moronic, unreflective fizz appears whenever the characters are happiest, when they are chasing girls or urinating from a swerving flatbed truck while going 70 miles an hour.

"Fizz" coming so close to "urine" in a sentence...kinda leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Erm, eyes. Uhh, moving on.

Those parts haven’t survived. They run afoul of the new gentility, the rules laid down by the health experts, childcare experts, guidance counselors, safety advisers, admissions officers, virtuecrats and employers to regulate the lives of the young.

You know, I kind of agree with Brooks here. I watch my youngest brother grow up with cameras in his high school and always achieving shit and I wonder if maybe he shouldn't fuck up a bit more. Of course, it's not too hard to ignore this by going out at night and getting drunk. It worked for me and my friends.

Furthermore, isn't it odd to see a man who fetishizes suburban conformity and appears to hate hipness prattle on about kids being to controlled nowadays?

If Sal Paradise were alive today, he’d be a product of the new rules. He’d be a grad student with an interest in power yoga, on the road to the M.L.A. convention with a documentary about a politically engaged Manitoban dance troop that he hopes will win a MacArthur grant. He’d be driving a Prius, going a conscientious 55, wearing a seat belt and calling Mom from the Comfort Inns.

As opposed to the 40s and 50s, when going totally bonkers across the United States was not only accepted, but encouraged. In fact, I don't even know what the point of the counter-culture was, what with all the free love and tolerance and tie dye in 1956. Get the fuck out of here with trying to pretend you give a shit about non-conformity. And really, what's wrong with a Prius as long as you drive it fast and drive it drunk. The money saved on gas allows you to buy more drugs and booze.

The only thing we know for sure is that this ethos won’t last. Someday some hypermanic kid will produce a moronically maxed-out adventure odyssey that will spark the overdue rebellion among all the over-pressured SAT grinds, and us grumpy midlife critics will get to witness a new Kerouac, and the greatest pent-up young-life crisis in the history of the world.

Or maybe not. It's hard to write something as good as "On the Road" without it being just a collection of jerk-off machismo (see Max, Tucker) or sadsack shoegazing (alliteration!). I've known people who've hitchiked all over, but I don't think they have Kerouac's writing ability. I know plenty of kids who've done stupid shit for kicks and I know they don't have it. Hell, I've done plenty of things just this past weekend that make for a good story or two of bored youth and rebellion, but it sure as hell ain't Kerouac. I think what I'm trying to say here is David Brooks is a douchebag and should never speak of rebellion ever again. Except I know that he will. And I will be there to sit on my couch and make fun of it. It's a great cycle.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Playoff Preview From Beyond the Stars

A hoy hoy baseball fans! If the calendar month is 10 and the weather starts getting chilly, you know it's the most exciting time of the year. The MLB Playoffs, brought to you I and yours by Dane Cook, Master Thespian. Maybe some of you haven't been paying attention for some time and don't know who's in or who'll win. Never fear, this is what The Gil Meche Experience is here for!

AMERICAN LEAGUE

Boston Red Sox
Record: 96-66 (1st Place AL East)

AVG/OBP/SLG: .279/.362/.444

ERA: 3.87 (1st in AL)

Notable Players: Ginger-kid Bobby Kielty, known hit and run artist Tim Wakefield, half-man/half basset hound Mike Lowell.

Advantages: Theo Epstein's discovery of an ancient curse that brings the Green Monster to life will ensure no opposing left fielder will go near it for fear of their lives. Two Jews (Jacoby Ellsbury and Kevin Youkillis) ensure that there will be positive media coverage. You know, because Jews run the media.

Disadvantages: Manny Ramirez has taken to bong rips between innings, which is much more harmful than his "one pre-game joint" policy he had in other years. Jews are bad at sports. The spider eggs on Julian Tavarez's face are about ready to hatch.

Team Trivia: Fenway Park is the only baseball stadium where an extrajudicial lynching has taken place.

Why They Should Win: Yankee fans will have to draw another championship ring on those retarded "Got Rings" shirts.

Why They Shouldn't Win: Terrible hot dogs. Absolutely atrocious. They don't even use buns, they put it in between a slice of Wonder Bread.

Cleveland Indians
Record: 96-66 (1st in AL Central)

AVG/OBP/SLG: .268/.343/.428

ERA: 4.05 (3rd in AL)

Notable Players: Abortion survivor Travis Hafner, Crook'd Hat Club Treasurer C.C. Sabathia, race baiting asshole Joe Borowski, obvious computer generated player Asdrubal Cabrera (that's really his name).

Advantages: Due to the odd spelling of his name, Jhonny Peralta is allowed one "special move" per game. Paul Byrd has laser eyes. Impish Kenny Lofton still has his bag of tricks.

Disadvantages: Residual guilt over their name causes all batted balls to have an extra 2 feet per second drag on them. Joe Borowski seriously effed up his neck turning around to watch balls fly out of the park this year (and hurt his throat screaming racial slurs). The city of Cleveland may not be ready to love again.

Trivia: Grady Sizemore's movie star good looks and questionable racial background has actually ended all racism in America.

Why They Should Win: It's the only way to put Frank Zappa's vengeful spirit to rest.

Why They Shouldn't Win: Seriously, Joe Borowski?

Los Angeles Angels of the People's Republic of Anaheim
Record: 94-68 (1st in AL West)

AVG/OBP/SLG: .284/.345/.417

ERA: 4.23 (5th in the AL)

Notable Players: Clean living advocate Gary Mathews Jr, heroin enthusiast Jered Weaver, Mon Calamari Erick Aybar.

Advantages: Obscure rule allows Godly named teams to use bats as big as tree trunks. Visitors clubhouse is often flooded with deadly scorpions. In tough spot, Bartolo Colon can just eat the opposing pitcher.

Disadvantages: Satan actively works against them. Attempts to actually graft wings onto their players cost them the lives of John Lackey and Howie Kendrick.

Trivia: The Rally Monkey is a prime suspect in the slaying of 15 LA area prostitutes.

Why They Should Win: If they don't, God may start the Rapture.

Why They Shouldn't Win: It would just reward another asshole sucking up to Los Angeles.

New York Yankees
Record: 94-68 (AL Wild Card)

AVG/OBP/SLG: .290/.366/.463

ERA: 4.50 (7th in AL)

Notable Players: Acne victim Tyler Clippard, Holocaust survivor Wilson Betemit, circus acrobat Jose Molina.

Advantages: Non-aggression pact with Mecha-Hitler allows Derek Jeter access to secret Nazi technology. Jorge Posada's wife vows to walk through clubhouse nude after every game they win. Johnny Damon and Joba Chamberlain know a bunch of spooky Indian shit.

Disadvantages: Roger Clemens' gigantic ass slows down the team plane, forcing the team to always arrive late. Kei Igawa may accidentally pitch. The Simon Wiesenthal Center is on to Jeter.

Trivia: Bobby Abreu is more machine than man.

Why They Should Win: They shouldn't.

Why They Shouldn't Win: Even a Yankee World Series appearance could lead to free exposure for living ghoul Rudy Giuliani. A Yankee World Series win could portend the darkness of a Giuliani presidency.

NATIONAL LEAGUE

Philadelphia Phillies
Record: 89-73 (1st in NL East)

AVG/OBP/SLG: .274/.354/.458

ERA: 4.76 (13th in NL)

Notable Players: Domestic violence advocate Brett Myers, DailyKos diarist JC Romero, drug snitch Greg Dobbs.

Advantages: Aaron Rowand has been granted permission to play from atop a bulldozer. Wes Helms has been stocking up on turtle penis. Use of unnecessary violence in the apprehension of the Blues Brothers has been approved.

Disadvantages: Poor cell phone reception at Citizen's Bank Ballpark. Michael Bourn is not in fact Jason Bourne but black. The white zone is for loading and unloading only.

Trivia: Only 16 of Ryan Howard's home runs have left the field of play. The rest are suspended in the air above the field.

Why They Should Win: Because if they don't, Brett Myers may take it out on his wife.

Why They Shouldn't Win: It would only serve to further their White Nationalist agenda.

Chicago Cubs
Record: 85-77 (1st in NL Central)

AVG/OBP/SLG: .271/.333/.422

ERA: 4.04 (2nd in NL)

Notable Players: Undeserving millionaire Jason Marquis, Gramercy recording artist Ryan Dempster, arch-villain Michael Fontenot.

Advantages: Mind control ray. Ted Lilly is a fantastic dancer. Late addition of Barret Wallace to the bullpen.

Disadvantages: Lou Piniella ate the scouting report. No offensive line to speak of. Wallace only knows his Level 1 limit break.

Trivia: Wrigley Field is one of three major league ballparks to double as a missile silo.

Why They Should Win: Incessant whining about curse will end.

Why They Shouldn't Win: Incessant whining about curse is pretty funny.

Arizona Diamondbacks
Record: 90-72 (1st in NL West)

AVG/OBP/SLG: .250/.321/.413

ERA: 4.13 (4th in NL)

Notable Players: Emmy winner Connor Jackson, Batman stalker Stephen Drew, unknown unknown Jose Valverde.

Advantages: Brandon Webb has built up a ton of indie cred. Fans in the outfield seats receive Glock 9mm handguns and license to kill. Orlando Hudson is on possession of the Holy Grail.

Disadvantages: Due to the incredible difference between their Pythagorean record expectancy and their actual record, a strike team of sabermetricians, including Bill James, Rob Neyer and Paul "Arms DePo" DePodesta are planning to shoot down the Diamondbacks' team plane. Tony Clark secretly working for the Cubs.

Trivia: Manager Bob Melvin secretes a deadly poison when cornered.

Why They Should Win: It's been far too long for the heartbroken fans of Arizona.

Why They Shouldn't Win: Would make a complete mockery of traditional baseball strategy.

Colorado Rockies
Record: 90-73 (NL Wild Card)

AVG/OBP/SLG: .280/.354/.437

ERA: 4.32 (8th in NL)

Notable Players: Scientology devotee Brian Fuentes, hardboiled detective Kazuo Matsui, Takashi Miike enthusiast Jamey Carroll.

Advantages: Team is allowed to self-pitch. Players motived by the offer of one victory ham each after every win. Garrett Atkins can set an opponent on fire just by thinking about it.

Disadvantages: Ancient gypsy curse placed on Jeff Francis. Baseball still technically illegal in Denver. Matt Holliday still haunted over the destruction of Alderaan.

Trivia: Todd Helton's beard is actually a living mask of bees.

Why They Should Win: Jorge Julio with a World Series ring=priceless.

Why They Shouldn't Win: Copycat teams will start building their new stadiums on the tops of mountains.

There you have it folks, everything you need to know about the playoffs and more. In fact, if you go anywhere else for playoff news, you're a goddamn idiot.