Friday, September 28, 2007

The Associated Press Swallows a Load

While you could argue that the AP really ends up snowballing Blackwater by digging up their politically connected staff and activities, I still say that an article called "'Cowboy' Aggression Works for Blackwater" is all kinds of bad. Especially when the lede is as follows:

For all its high-profile failings and its reputation for "cowboy" aggression, the secretive security company Blackwater USA has never failed at its primary mission in Iraq: Protecting State Department diplomats.

Yes, who gives a shit they've killed a bunch of wogs and hopelessly damaged "the mission" of winning Iraqi hearts and minds. What's important is that American lives (which are worth more) aren't lost. It's just stupefying that someone could write that paragraph as anything but the opening of a Blackwater press release. The article also goes on to note that Blackwater isn't subject to U.S. military or Iraqi law. Lovely. A pox on your house Mike Baker.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Strange Apparition

Lord please don't forsake me
In my Met fandom ways

Well, it happened, just like a lot of us knew it would. And I for one, am extremely happy that I will be vacationing in dreary, gray Albany the exact three days that the Mets decide whether they will lose before the season is over or force the most humiliating tie-breaker ever devised. That tie-breaker would be played in the Citizen's Bank Bandbox of course, and considering the Mets pitching staff lately, you wonder if they wouldn't give up 31 runs.

Hat tip to Pedro, he did everything he could. Double middle finger blast to all 39 or whatever guys on that roster. Shut out by the Cardinals? THE CARDINALS? Good God, since when do we root for a AAA ballclub?

32 runs given up to the Nationals is three days is circus freak ugly. I was at the last game of that series. The tickets were a birthday gift, and while the thought was nice and the free beer was nicer and the getting a hot fudge sundae in the helmet cup was a bonus (it's usually one or the other), the way the Mets lost that game compounded with other factors probably made that the worst birthday I've ever had.

Starting at five o'clock tomorrow, I'm jobless. I'm perpetually single. I'm about to take the huge risk of trying to make it as a writer in one of the most expensive cities in the world. I don't really know what's going to happen to me in the coming months, when I won't have health insurance or a steady paycheck or the ability to go out and entertain myself whenever I want. I don't believe in that bullshit that sports can uplift a whole suffering community and rebuild New Orleans or keep 9/11 from happening or change Cho's mind. But I do think sports can be an excellent distraction, a time and place to lose yourself, either at home or at a bar or at a stadium. And all I've asked the Mets to do is give me that distraction. I've asked them to do that because I am a fan, a big fan, the team will have an impact on how I feel. Go ahead and call it nerdy or pathetic or some such bullshit. Also please to go ahead and fuck yourself. See, I said please.

And what have the Mets done when I've asked them to take me away from everything for a couple hours every night? They told me that Joel Piniero is too hard to figure out and that maybe I should instead watch to see if The Office slowly collapses in on itself now that Jim and Pam are a couple and Jenna Fischer looks somehow prettier and less attainable and NBC is starting the season with three hour long episodes. So far no, but it's only episode 1 of the new season.

I'm driving up to Albany tomorrow with a Yankee fan and a Met fan. When I get to Albany, there will be Yankee fans who are my friends who will undoubtedly give me shit. And I will say something nasty to them because my choice will be either hurl venom or take it lying down. The saddest thing is that most I'll be able to say is "Fuck you and die" before I go off and sulk somewhere. Why am I doing this again? Drugs I guess.

Bushido is out there right now getting drunk and assaulting some Philly fan. I'm depressed and blogging. Together we form the pained yin and yang and of the tortured Met fan. Oh if it could only be different.

Did you think that you were lucky?
You should see yourself now

Continuing to Take Joy at the Expense of Others

Well, I still may not feel that great, but wow, I'd rather be me than Verizon shill Jeffrey Nelson. Ol'Jeff has had to go from this:

A spokesman for Verizon said the decision turned on the subject matter of the messages and not on Naral’s position on abortion. “Our internal policy is in fact neutral on the position,” said the spokesman, Jeffrey Nelson. “It is the topic itself” — abortion — “that has been on our list.”

Mr. Nelson suggested that Verizon may be rethinking its position. “As text messaging and multimedia services become more and more mainstream,” he said, “we are continuing to review our content standards.” The review will be made, he said, “with an eye toward making more information available across ideological and political views.”

To this:
"The decision not to allow text messaging on an important, though sensitive, public policy issue was incorrect, and we have fixed the process that led to this isolated incident," said Verizon Wireless spokesman Jeffrey Nelson in a statement.

in a matter of hours. My job made me feel like a whore sometimes, but, just, wow. He didn't even have time to douche before he got shoved out there again. I'm not even going to say anything bad about him, the world has done enough to Jeffrey Nelson today.

This Jeffrey Nelson however, can suck it. Mostly based on his friendship with one Mike Stanton.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

The Cure For What Ails Me

Sometimes (like when I watch the Mets) I get depressed. And I wonder what to do with myself, if I'll ever get over it, why it's happening and what I can do to stop it in the future. One thing that helps is reading David Brooks and realizing that I may be a jobless 23 year old, but I'm not some nerdy asshole who gets wedgies from the Times' warehouse workers.

Now it’s evident that if you want to understand the future of the Democratic Party you can learn almost nothing from the bloggers, billionaires and activists on the left who make up the “netroots.” You can learn most of what you need to know by paying attention to two different groups — high school educated women in the Midwest, and the old Clinton establishment in Washington.

Some people might say that high-school educated anythings solely deciding anything more than the next American Idol is kinda scary. But I guess in David Brooks Land, activists and bloggers, people who voluntarily give their lives over to political causes, are bad and should not be listened to. Especially when high school educated voters are there to tell them what's what.

Obama and Edwards get most of their support from the educated, affluent liberals. According to Gallup polls, Obama garners 33 percent support from Democratic college graduates, 28 percent from those with some college and only 19 percent with a high school degree or less.

That bastard.

Third, Clinton has established this lead by repudiating the netroots theory of politics. As the journalist Matt Bai makes clear in his superb book, “The Argument,” the netroots emerged in part in rebellion against Clintonian politics. They wanted bold colors and slashing attacks. They didn’t want their politicians catering to what Markos Moulitsas ZĂșniga of the Daily Kos calls “the mythical middle.”

Maybe that's because they were tired of watching Republicans run around curbing Democrats all over the country. But I guess it's OK for Republicans to call liberals baby killers and terror abaters and traitors and all sorts of nasty names.

In a series of D.L.C. memos with titles like “The Decisive Center,” Penn has preached that while Republicans can win by appealing only to conservatives, Democrats must appeal to centrists as well as liberals.

WHY? Someone explain to me why anything liberals has to be crouched in subterfuge, while anything conservative can be delivered with all the subtlety of a hydrogen bomb. Maybe instead of pandering to people who hate them and ignoring the people who like them, they should look at their message and see how to use it to counteract a message delivered through hate and fear and base instincts. But what the hell do I know? I'm a registered Green.

On “This Week With George Stephanopoulos,” Clinton could have vowed to vacate Iraq. Instead, she delivered hawkish mini-speeches that few Republicans would object to. She listed a series of threats and interests in the region and made it clear that she’d be willing to keep U.S. troops there to handle them.

Hillary Clinton also said she would end the war the instant she took office. The fact that she will say anything to get elected is one of many reasons I do not like her.

The fact is, many Democratic politicians privately detest the netroots’ self-righteousness and bullying.

Considering almost everyone in Congress is a self-righteous bully, I couldn't give a shit that they think that. Cry me a river bitch!

They also know their party has a historic opportunity to pick up disaffected Republicans and moderates, so long as they don’t blow it by drifting into cuckoo land.

Guh. What a stupid statement. What is historic about this opportunity? An enormously unpopular president from one party is basically handing things over to the opposition. As for cuckoo land. If expressing any liberal sentiment ever is "drifting into cuckoo land", then what is the point of me even living here? Am I to believe that the only acceptable positions in this country are center and right?

Finally, these Democrats understand their victory formula is not brain surgery.

Actually, in a way, politics is brain surgery. You need to convince a bunch of people who have made Flavor of Love so successful that it had a spin off that you and you alone are the one who will prevent all the scary bearded people from forcing their kids to have gay sex on a Bible every hour. And to do this, you throw a bunch of focus group tested words at them and activate the parts of their brains that appeal to their absolute worst instincts.

You have to be moderate on social issues, activist but not statist on domestic issues and hawkish on foreign policy.

So're supposed to not be in opposition to the party that's been in power for the past eight years and has sent us hurtling into the abyss? Why, if things are going so shitty for this country under Republican leadership are Democrats supposed to emulate them? Because noted fraud David Brooks is telling them to?

This time they’re not going to self-destructively deviate from that.

Yes, remember how well that worked for them in 2000? And then how cool it turned out in 2004? And don;t kid yourself. Al Gore and John Kerry ran mealy mouthed centrist campaigns. In fact, I think the only reason John Kerry was OK with gay marriage was because he wanted to differentiate himself from the rich Yalie on the other side.

Both liberals and Republicans have an interest in exaggerating the netroots’ influence, but in reality that influence is surprisingly marginal, even among candidates for whom you’d think it would be strong.

Interesting rhetorical trick here from Captain Douchebag. It isn't "Democrats and Republicans" who do this. It is "liberals and Republicans". I guess he's learned from George "Democrat Party" Bush that you can dehumanize your opponents with one simple word displacement.

Several weeks ago, I asked John Edwards what the YearlyKos event was like. He couldn’t remember which event I was talking about, and looked over to an aide for help.

I guess I could say something pithy here like, "If I was asked a question by David Brooks I would look over to someone for help. Then hit him with a lobster trap." Instead, I will link to this post over at This Modern World, in which Tom Tomorrow draws a lovely picture explaining what probably happened.

You know what? I'm still depressed. I'm gonna go throw lobster traps at my David Brooks Fathead.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Stop the Season, I Want to Get Off

Work is not the place to be following back and forth must-win games. You get grumpy, you get elated, you wonder why God has cursed you to follow a team intent on taking years off of your life. Even worse, you end up going home at pivotal moments, the outcome unknown to you until you step into your home and lunge for the computer.

Today it worked out. Sometimes it doesn't. But really, what the hell was the difference between those two games? The W at the end of it I suppose, but that's about it. The Mets offense was dormant for most of the game, there was an error and the bullpen was just incredible. Of course, that's incredible in the bad way. Like, if one was to use "incredible" to describe the acts of Ed Gein or Ted Bundy.

The only thing this season has been missing really has been acts of cannibalism or depraved murder. This has been, by far, the most stressful season I have ever had as a fan. I wish I could say seasons before about 2002 registered more with me, but I only have scattered memories of the awful early 90s, the exciting '99 and 2000 seasons and the almost-but-not-quite 2001 season.

See, in a terrible season, like anytime from 2002 to 2004, a good fan can get by on black humor. Snicker about Eric Valent's cycle. Laugh at the Cubs' misfortune when Victor Diaz ruins their playoff chances. Look at Art Howe and wonder, "Why?" But behind the black humor, there is always the question of which of these scrubs might make something of themselves. Is Jason Phillips really a .300 hitter (no), what kind of player will Ty Wigginton become (average) and does this Seo guy have a future here (as trade bait)?

Then there's 2006, where you coast to victory starting in May. You print playoff tickets in July, you're treated like baseball royalty with every lucky bounce, expanded strike zone and those balls that hang up long enough for a catch and travel fast enough to touch down. It's not so much a season as it is an event, a feel good motion picture. Guys named Endy and Duque and Dirty and Stache show up out of nowhere and teach you how to love.

And now this. 2007. The big aught seven. OK, enough saying it. 2007 started out as a continuation of last year's party. Then something went terribly wrong. Maine and O'Perez stopped hitting their spots so well. Jorge Sosa imploded. The bullpen slowly and painfully became less and less reliable. Things weren't all bad, and the Mets were always in first place. But the hold on top seemed so tenuous. The only thing stopping the Mets from tumbling down down down was the fact that the Braves and Phillies agreed that summer was an awesome time to stop playing baseball and start getting drunk in the dugout. But this is a pennant race, right? Isn't this how fans before me and fans after me will react when their team goes up and down and clings to a 2.5 game lead with 7 to play?

I don't think there are too many Met fans used to this. Except for the late 80s, the Mets were never a team to be picked as the last team standing. 1969 was of course a miracle, and the 1973 team, while spunky, only won 82 games. That pedigree of underdog expectations made me wary when I realized in 2006 that the Mets were a World Series favorite. Hadn't they only won 83 games the year before? Didn't we get another year of tempered expectations and building up? As it turned out, no. The 2006 Mets were awesomer than awesome.

And now they're not. And how are Met fans reacting to this? Terribly. People want Willie Randolph fired. I've seen Jose Reyes called "Reyes Ordenez". David Wright was booed in April. The booing for anyone else was always one misplay away at Shea Stadium. My Mets went from quirky franchise with loyal fans to a bandwagon to be jumped on by morons and animals. The Wave goes on at pivotal moments in games and Shea empties out before it should. All in all, fan conduct is atrocious, with a fan base that never saw an extended stretch of dominance start to demand it like a group of spoiled children. This season has brought out the worst in all of us, from the men on the field to the last guy in the red seats. I haven't been an exception. Looking through previous posts, you would think the Mets were in last place with all of my bitching and moaning.

Now we're up three in the loss column, 2.5 overall. Our magic number is 5, and if things break a certain way, when I am at Shea on Wednesday watching Philip Humber make his first major league start, that magic number may be 1. So how bad can things really be?

Irony at the Movies

It's already been scientifically proven that Dane Cook was propelled into stardom by an army of brain dead zombies. So he must be terribly disappointed to see that they turned against him, as Resident Evil: Extinction inexplicably beats Good Luck Chuck at the box office. Next up for Cook: jinxing the San Diego Padres with one of those awful playoff commercials.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Gotta Crawl Before You Can Walk

3 errors?
5 inning only starting pitching?
No Delgado?

Well, it doesn't really matter because it still equaled a W. Magic number is 9. Let's take a deep breath and make it even lower.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

They Tried To Make Me Watch the Met Game

But I said no, no, no.

It was there. I could have done it. I was eating dinner and just had to watch something. So despite my vow to take a day off, I flipped real quick to SNY and saw the Mets up 3-0. Then I decided I'd stay true to my word and watched the end of an emotion filled rerun of Scrubs and the previous day's Daily Show. Then I checked the scoreboard. And Brian Lawrence was pitching like Joey Lawrence if he was a woman. And the Phillies were up 11-0.

I went with a different source of abject terror last night, choosing to lose myself in the sociopath fantasies of a young Wes Craven. Yet somehow, the Met bullpen remains infinitely more terrifying than the "you are there" feeling of The Last House On The Left. And while the Phillies blew an 11 run lead, they also came back and won. The Mets sent in a procession of pitching machines to just lay it in there to Les Nationals and the next thing you know its 12-4 and that magic number is still stuck stuck stuck on 11.

Over on Metsblog, there's talk of the Mets not playing with intensity or fire or grit. Whatever. Maybe the Mets just aren't playing with the talent we thought they were. Definitely blasphemous, possibly true. Position by position, the Philles almost always come out ahead.

Catcher: Ruiz v. LoDuca. Both have an OPS+ under 100. Paulie seems to love to get himself thrown out of games, and while his spirit is appreciated, the bug eyed arguing gets to be a bit much when your line is .270/.310/.370. A .310 OBP! If you want LoDuca back next year, raise your hand, so that I may chop it off.

First base: Howard v. Delgado. Go ahead and tell me you'd rather have Carlos Delgado. First base has turned into sludge for the Mets this year, just like it has been every year since John Olerud left, 2006 excluded. Delgado, be it from various injuries or just the advancement of age, can't even get on base at a league average rate this year (OBP: .329!). Ryan Howard has hit 40 home runs.

Second base: Utley v. Castillo. Hmmm...the best 2nd basemen in baseball or a slap hitter with a gimpy knee? I like Luis Castillo, but his OBP is 20 points higher than his slugging. That's only alright if they're both in the .500s. And for all his good glovework, he was instrumental in the 8th inning nightmare on Sunday. Wait...why did I like Luis Castillo again?

Shortstop: Rollins v. Reyes. Early this season, it was a wash. I didn't mind Reyes' drop in power from last year because he was getting on base and hitting for a high average. Now something is obviously very wrong. Foul pops are a more common occurrence for Jose Jose Jose this month than stolen bases. I hope he's tired, I really hope he hasn't peaked. Jimmy Rollins on the other hand is going to hit 30 home runs this year and has absolutely curb stomped the Mets whenever he's had the chance.

Third base: Platoon of Doom v. Wright. OK, so the Mets win this hands down. Possible MVP against a bunch o'putzes. Next!

Leftfield: Burrell v. Alou. A close one. The Mets missed out on a ton of games from Alou due to injury, but prior to the All Star break Burrell probably cost Philly some games by just being in the lineup. Burrell wins OBP, but Moises has slugging and average. Plus he's an undead hitting machine. Eats brains and everything. Even OPS+ barely moves this one way or the other. But Moises is up on that one, 139 to 134.

Centerfield: Rowand v. Beltran. Another tough one. Beltran has the OPS+ advantage (134 to 130), but Rowand is hitting .316 and thus has a higher OBP. Both play great defense, but white people love Aaron Rowand because they say he's gritty. Carlos Beltran makes everything look so easy it infuriates people. He's also having a magnificent stretch run.

Rightfield: ??? v. Milledge/Green. Before these recent games against the Phillies, I thought it was all about Victorino. Then all I saw was Jayson Werth, who can hit a change-up but not a fastball. Blastings has shown promise this year and Shawn Green has shown why he's old and should never dive. Ever.

Starting Pitching: The Mets do have that. Even before Pedro came back, their starters had performed above expectation. With him back, they have it pretty solid. But none of them can seem to go past five or six innings, aside from the occasional long start out of John Maine or Oliver Perez. The Phillies' pitching is a god damn joke, and every time they shut down the Mets I want to throttle somebody.

Bullpen: Yikes. I think if both teams could, they would shoot most of their relievers into space. I don't know the specifics behind Philly's bullpen woes, but I do know you should never rely on Jose Mesa. And that Tom Gordon is old. I also know that I still hate the Karate Wifebeater. Of course, the Met bullpen hasn't been much better. HEILman and Mota both might give up 10 home runs and seem to wilt under pressure just when we need it the least. Jorge Sosa's magical adventure full of adventure and magic may be coming to an end. Joe Smith has lost himself, and Pedro Feliaciano may be running out of gas. As for Scott Schoeneweis, the guy is merely living up to his 5.03 career ERA. Signing him was just insane.

So really, even if the Mets do make the playoffs, what the hell are they gonna do there?

Monday, September 17, 2007


Down goes Sulzberger! When we wake up on Wednesday, the shortsighted mess that is TimesSelect will be no more. While my flag burning Times-subscribing folks allowed me to get around the wall, I'm happy to see that people can go back to making fun of David Brooks and Thomas Friedman for free. Oh, I'm sorry. Thomas "L." Friedman. Ass. I look forward to more of my blogger compatriots incorporating Brooks' and Friedman's words into more of their hurtful rants and Al Qaeda press releases. All in all, a great moment watching a behemoth get humbled while reaching for those bucks.

Screw Off New Media

Slate's Troy Patterson apparently can't get enough of internet jerkwads and Perez Hilton getting themselves TV shows. I couldn't give a shit about Perez Hilton, he's on VH1, and I never watch VH1 anyway.

But TMZ. TMZ runs on Fox. Fox used to run an hour of The Simpsons between 6:30 and 7:30. Always made the day better. Especially when two good episodes ran back to back as opposed to a good one and a crappy later season episode. But now TMZ runs at 6:30, meaning...exactly. Only one half hour of The Simpsons when I come home from work. SO that's how it's gonna be, huh Fox? Fine, whatever.

Fuck off TMZ. I'm a What Would Tyler Durden Do man anyway.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Assorted Thoughts From a Too Long Sunday

  • Looking back on it, the best news all day for me came literally two minutes before I woke up when my boss called and left me a message informing me I wouldn't have to work. Makes one realize just how unexceptional a day can be.
  • Between Guillermo Mota and Justin McCareins fucking up everything when I was watching sports, I've just about had it with the letter M. The only things keeping it in my good graces right now are Pedro Martinez and Matt Taibbi.
  • I found it odd to be rooting for an individual named Clemens. However, considering the way Kellen Clemens was slinging the ball around the field in the fourth quarter, I see a bright future for the Jets. My only question is, was that legitimate domination or taking advantage of a lazy Ravens defense that had a 17 point fourth quarter lead? If it was the former, Chad Pennington better watch his ass.
  • Glad to see fascism is alive and well in the NFL. Just when we all thought Der Komissar had gone soft on Darth Belichick, he demands New England hand over every single piece of information relating to the Patriots in-house discussion of the taping. It's your move Kraftman.
  • I may find Roger Clemens and Curt Schilling loathsome individuals, but those two old farts can really provide an evening of fine pitching.

They're Still In First Place, They're Still In First Place

They're still in first place. I keep telling myself that, and every time I do, it seems more and more hollow. Because when you look at the Mets this year, you see one of the most talented, self defeating teams in baseball. You see a team that dreadfully misses Duaner Sanchez. A team that misses Chad Bradford. A team relying on future nobody Jorge Sosa and future listed-in-every-steroids-story Guillermo Mota.

You see a team that, despite their ability to bury the ghosts of the past, can't seem to get around some new ghosts of the future. In fact, let's get rid of the flowery and poetic language. The Mets, facing a game they needed to win in order to bury the team directly behind them, played like the fucking Royals. Walking the pitcher on four pitches. Making two errors on one play. Making six errors overall. Walking a leadoff man immediately after tying up the game on a clutch, feel good, two out home run. A continuing inability to really beat up on one of the worst pitchers in baseball. I don't know what horrible calamities ensued after the sixth inning, because after Jorge Sosa lost Jayson Werth after going up 1-2, I turned it off. I flipped to the game again to see Greg Dobbs exchanging high fives by the dugout. Great timing.

The Phillies might be in the Mets' heads. The Mets may be making these gaffes because they feel their pride is hurt. It doesn't really matter why the losses happen, because the fact remains that the Mets have lost 8 straight games to the team that is directly behind them in the standings. They've let them right back in the thick of it twice. And if I have to see Guillermo Mota come into a game one more time, I'm just gonna scream.

Washington is on the schedule tomorrow. I think I'll take a day off.

Saturday, September 15, 2007


I knew it. I just knew it. As soon as I finished my work at the same time as Pedro Feliciano worked himself out of a jam, I just knew I had made the wrong decision. I should have dragged it out, made sure to stay stuck in the office until the end of the game. Because a one run lead was just too damn precious for our rickety bullpen. My gut told me all those things, but I had to get out. I also needed to stop at the taco truck.

And then when I got home and turned on the TV and saw the Mets were down 5-3. And that's how it would stay. Sure the Mets got screwed by an atrocious call to begin the ninth, but that doesn't get in the way of Carlos Beltran's inability to swing at a fat 2-0 fastball. It doesn't remove the specter of Jose Reyes' continued insistence on foul pops and his odd decision to steal third with two out and the possible MVP up. It doesn't change the fact that the Mets couldn't muster more than 5 runs in two games against the worst pitching in baseball.

This loss hurts. It doesn't just hurt because it means the Mets still can't bury the Phillies. It doesn't just hurt because the Karate Wifebeater continues to confound us. It doesn't just hurt because Jimmy Rollins is quickly becoming a Met boogeyman. It hurts because Things Were Supposed to Be Different now that Pedro is here. And for six innings, as you watched a 35 year old with a reconstructed shoulder confound the best offense in baseball, you believed it. And it all came crashing down in front of us.

I'm gonna try to not get too down. The Mets are still 4.5 up, and if they win tomorrow their magic number moves down to single digits. And I won't get nervous because the Phillies can't seem to be anybody but the Mets. But it doesn't mean I won't hurt.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Hey Sports Guy


I don't read the Sports Guy anymore, but I did wonder how he would react to the Jet/Pat spy game kerfluffle. Fortunately, there are people out there who do this for me. So a hearty thank you to David Roth over at Can't Stop the Bleeding for finding the absolute worst, most emo bitch section in the whole wretched column:

That reminds me, everyone’s talking about the other teams and implying they were the victims. What about Pats fans? How did we deserve this? Our favorite team cheated, we lost a No. 1 pick, our coach pulled the football version of the Watergate break-in, our entire mini-dynasty has been tainted according to the outside world. … Seriously, what did we ever do other than support a perpetually crappy franchise with a bad stadium for years and years and years? Do you think we wanted any of this to happen? All week, I almost felt like I did something wrong just because I rooted for these guys. Well, no more. Call them cheaters, call them villains, call them the evil empire, but it’s still my team.

Yes, let's feel bad for the fans of a team who have this year been caught in an HGH bust and a signal stealing operation. A team that won 3 Super Bowls in 5 years and got more media handjobs than post-9/11 George Bush. Let's feel bad for the fans that wanted to always remind us of the superior character of a coach who stabbed his former employer in the back and then the face for good measure.

His argument is also specious because it still tries to elevate the Patriots and Patriot fandom over normal fandom. Plenty of non-Boston teams have gone through awful stretches and found success late in their team life. The Braves, for instance. The New York Rangers had 54 years of heartbreak, even if the team was sometimes successful. The Royals haven't been good since 1895. It feel like that anyway. And even the hated Yankees had a World Series from 1978 to 1996.

Maybe we should also feel bad for the Board of Directors of Wal-Mart. They only manufacture their goods in cheap slave labor conditions because they want to help the average American, not because they want to be richer than God. Let's also feel bad for Jerry Falwell. He's doing the best he can to point out America's moral wrongs and help bring Jesus back, not acting as a lunatic who feels God talks to him and tells him who in America caused 9/11. While we're at it, let's feel bad for Dick Cheney. We just don't understand the man has a secrecy/invasion/torture fetish.

Piss off Sports Guy, and take your whiny little plea for fan sympathy with you.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Why I hate the Patriots

I remember about a year ago when Bill Simmons wrote an article wondering why everyone began to hate the Patriots. It struck me as an obnoxious article, one written almost with no effort done to understand why the hatred for the Patriots exists. Now, after reading an e-mail exchange between Simmons and Aaron Schatz of fame, it's obvious that Patriots fans clearly don't get it. Yes, everyone, the Patriots are the Yankees of football, except if everyone in the media pretended that the Yankees were the little engine that could. I will attempt to explain the evolution of my hatred of the Patriots.

In 2001, when the Patriots began their rise to the top of the NFL, they were a great story. Tom Brady, Mr. Backup, became the best quarterback in the NFL. A team of nobodies beat the "Greatest show on turf". Instead of introducing the offensive or defensive before the Super Bowl, the entire Patriots team ran out onto the field as one. How could you not like that?

Flash forward three years. The Patriots were in the process of putting together their second consecutive 14-2 season, and were about to win their second consecutive super bowl, increasing their total to three in four years. The Patriots, with their tough guy coach Belichick, became every ESPN football commentator's wet dream. They all went on about how tough the Patriots were, how they played "the right way", how there were no superstars on the team, how the couching staff put a premium on good character, and blah blah blah. I believe that it's during the third super bowl run that Patriots hatred began its rightful place in the sports world.

It got tiring to hear about how the Patriots had some much character. It's the same as hearing that Derek Jeter is the ultimate example of being a clutch player. It's simply not true. Their coach, Bill Belichick, had quit on the New York Jets days after signing to contract to be their head coach, only to be announced as the Patriots head coach days later. Yet while Belichick showed no class himself, he was constantly being praised for his commitment to signing high quality players. The Patriots were like any other team in the NFL, except they had done their job better then everyone else. It's insulting to fans of the other 31 NFL teams to hear that only the Patriots had the market on integrity.

The no superstar nonsense was simply asinine. They only had one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time in Tom Brady, one of the greatest DT's of all time in Richard Seymour, one of the greatest corner backs of all time in Ty Law, and the greatest kicker of his generation in Adam Vinatieri. They also had a very very good running back in Corey Dillon for one of the Superbowl runs, and a host of very smart players who had very good careers. Again, you can't win multiple Superbowls with substandard talent. And the Patriots did not have substandard talent.

The Patriots mystique really began to fall apart in the 2006 NFL season. Bill Belichick feuded with a former protege in Eric Mangini, who left his staff to coach a division rival in the Jets. Belichick reportedly changed the locks at Patriots headquarters when Mangini accepted the Jets job so Mangini couldn't get back to his office and collect his things and say goodbye to his colleagues. He barely acknowledged Mangini's presence in their two regular season games, and wouldn't give him any credit in making the Jets into a playoff team. Belichick went as far as refusing to say Mangini's name during their two regular season meetings last year. Also, after beating the Chargers in last year's divisional playoff game, the Patriots mocked the Chargers at midfield, then preceded to yell insults at the Chargers while they showered and dressed in their locker room after the game was long over. Not exactly classy behavior.

Combined with Rodney Harrison's HGH use and suspension along with the recent Patriotsgate, the illusion of the Patriots as a shinning example of integrity in the sports world should be over.

Sports fans hate when other teams are held on a pedestal that their own teams aren't allowed access too. For the last six years, the Patriots have been held up as a symbol of all that is decent and good in the sports world, when they are just another professional sports team. We all want to create story lines and mystiques in sports. However, we also demand that the media is honest and fair when discussing all teams. When the media continued to ignore constant evidence that showed the Patriots played the same game as everyone else, and continued to play up the myth of their integrity, it's a natural progression from annoyance to dislike to pure hate. One that even Bill Simmons and Aaron Schatz should understand.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007


Last night was tough to be a Met fan. Or it would be if the Braves weren't pretty much out of our field of vision now. Plus, the Phillies continued tripping over their own feet, so the magic number went down one more. Sure El Duque got rocked, but he hadn't pitched in two weeks, so I'm willing to chalk this one up to rust, and I'll get nervous if it happens again in his next start.

However, it was a shame to not see the Mets inspired by the solemn day on which they were playing. Didn't they remember to NEVAR FORGET? It would appear to the untrained eye that they indeed hadn't. They blew a golden opportunity to score in the first inning and pretty much got owned by a grown man named Buddy. But then I thought about it. The Mets had won nine of ten games coming into the game last night. Then they lost. Which meant, as of around ten o'clock last night, the Mets had won...nine of their previous eleven.

Well played sirs, well played.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Scumbag to Child Star: 'Smatter Sweetie, Can't Trust A Guy In Prison?

In most cases I wouldn't really give a shit about the Vannessa Huglhgh's nude photos. Nude celebrity photos are so common nowadays they have less value than the US dollar. But when asshole extraordinaire Joe Francis (of Girls Gone Wild, rape and improper reporter treatment of reporters fame) tries to get his grubby little fingers in on the action, I may was well register my disgust. Especially since the Mets are not NEVAR FORGETTING and are currently rolling over against the Braves.

So Vanwhosen Whatever is apparently one of the kids in the Disney produced "High School Musical" movies. Because they only way possibly to make high school any more fascist is if you put it to song (see: Grease). She took some naked ass pictures for her boyfriend, co-star of said movies, McFace Forgettable. Then the pictures leaked and her lawyers got all wrathful and internet perverts were forever denied the 18 year old flesh of a Disney star. This one anyway. And those are some damn good lawyers, cause I just searched for said pics to see if I was wrong. And they ain't there no more. God, where was I? Oh right, Joe Francis.

So Joe Francis issued a statement from prison offering Vawhatsis 500 grand to "join the Girls Gone Wild brand and lifestyle". Man, can you imagine how pissed the girls who just got beads, rape and stern talking to from Francis' lawyer must be? And here's the rest:

"Vanessa Hudgens is the classic girl next door gone wild. Being sexual is not a crime. She took a picture, it was leaked, and now it is time to move forward with her career."

There are many things wrong with this. First of all, taking nude pictures for your significant other isn't really "wild". Risque maybe. But it's not whipping your tits out on Bourbon Street while Snoop Dogg pours Everclear on them. Second, highly compensated movie stars, even child ones, are not typical next door folks, girls or otherwise. Third, Joe Francis counts on sexuality being if not illegal, then way too mysterious and dangerous, for him to make his money. Girls Gone Wild is sunk if people wake up one day and realize that living in a Puritan nation is stupid stupid stupid. Fourth, Girls Gone Wild is not a career. And it's probably not half as exploitative as real porno. So stay way young Disney star, stay away.

In conclusion, Joe Francis deserves nothing less than to be dragged behind horses over a field of nails.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

Memo To NBC

Re: Your Advertising Campaign

You know, it's bad enough I have to sit through endless pimping of your crap lineups I won't watch. And now, it's painful enough watching your NFL halftime show. But I digress.

"A lineup so powerful we can only call it 'Bionic Wednesday.'"

Seriously? That's why it's called Bionic Wednesday? Because it's powerful? Because bionic doesn't mean powerful. It means "having particular physiological functions augmented or replaced by electronic or electromechanical components". I mean, you could have your computer parts made out of old Pentium Pro 120Mhz processors (my first computer!). Then your bionics won't be tough, they'll be way out of date and probably get you killed when you try to rescue the President from genetically engineered gorillas. So just be honest and tell us that Bionic Wednesday is named as such because it's the day you happen to air that shit. After all, Howie Mandel don't have no damn computer parts.

Tex;s Translation Guide to Congressional Ghetto-Speak

Open letter to my trusted colleague and client, the Pulpman:

IT has dawned on me, young blood, that perhaps the people understand not the power of the wisdom of one link to the Hip Hop Congressional hearings. The Gil Meche is a small but earnest blog. Most of our readership and our leadership (which, I think, are the same) is of the Caucasian Hebraic Euro rat Diaspora doo hickeys. This breed of people is only a Level 4 ghetto type, with the function of our Don Imus supported nappy heads and ritualistic traditions. Therefore, the expansion of our wisdom is required.

"I want to engage not just the music industry but the entertainment industry at large to be part of a solution," said Rep. Bobby Rush (D-Ill.), chairman of the House Subcommittee on Commerce, Trade and Consumer Protection, which will hold the hearing.

Translation: YOoooooooooooo! Bobby Rush in the mutha fuckin' Houuuuuuusssseee! I gots the endorsements from the state bitches! I don't need no out of state deals with none them shady hoes cause I gots me a seat, cuzzz!!!

I'd love to say Mr. Rush is a phony that cares more about getting elected than his state. The problem is that I don't know the man from Adam. IT's probably because his motions are all along the lines of banning American Hot Dog Day or holding a Congressional Hearing on Hip Hop.

We could have saved the government plenty of dough by having this discussion in our music class and getting us to write reports on it later.

Just as his colleagues on other committees have summoned TV execs to be grilled on sexual or violent content, Rush wants to hear from the leaders of companies purveying rap music. The intent is to examine commercial practices behind the music's most controversial content.

You want to get paid my nigga? (Hell yeah) Aren't you tired of starving my nigga? (Hell yeah) Don't you want to tell Bobby Rush to stick one foot in his mouth and the other in his ass, my nigga? (Hell yeah, Hell yeeeeaaahhhh)

"I want to talk to executives at these conglomerates who've never taken a public position on what they produce," Rush said. "But it's been surprisingly very difficult to get them to commit to appearing."

Ahem. Good music, smart guy.

Rush had planned the hearing twice before and had to postpone both times to accommodate execs' schedules. "But after a series of long conversations and other communications, they know this hearing is going to go forward, and they will be coming -- reluctantly, if I might add."

Is it just me, or is it possible that Bobby Rush is looking to whack Biggie Smalls... again...? Cept Whitey whacks your character before he takes out your life. Wants to make it hurt.

Witnesses include toppers Philippe Dauman of Viacom, Doug Morris of Universal Music Group and Edgar Bronfman Jr. of Warner Music Group.

Bugs Bunny was not available for question.

A music industry exec said the delay was more an issue of getting the right people to appear. "Not everyone agrees that the top people are the same as the right people," the exec said, noting that decisions to sign particular artists or distribute their CDs are often made at lower levels.

Not every right thing agrees- that the top- thing... What the hell is this exec trying to say? A litte Thank you for Smoking in everyday life, present and ready for you to study.

Another insider said scheduling conflicts had been the only reason for the delay.

Fuck Congress. Let these cats make some music.

So far, only one artist has committed to appearing -- Master P, who began his career as a gangsta rapper but has since focused on positive messages and images in his music.

Is it possible that Bobby Rush bys crack from Master P?

The witness list is still being developed, according to Rush's spokesman. A congressional aide said witness lists are never finalized and released before the hearing itself is announced. Expect this hearing to be formally announced one week prior to the confirmed date, per standard procedure, the aide added.

Currently titled "From Imus to Industry: The Business of Stereotypes and Degradation," the hearing is intended to address "what is certainly a timely issue and one that won't go away," Rush said.

I have an idea. Let's apply Don Imus to every Black History Month from now until the end of time. Let's label him a clansman while fake, pathological, racist, two timing accepter of Republican donations Al Sharpton slops his way through the next election as the worst representative of Black people in the hostory of America. Then let's get the government involved so they can decide what's fair because Bobby Rush wants donations from mothers in White, bright, moderately liberal Illinois.

"I want to look at not only the problem caused by misogynistic content in some hip-hop music but also some of the pain that emanates from this degradation," he continued. Rush plans on having "representatives from African American women's groups" appear before the hearing.

Pit sister against brother and see what you get. Bobby Rush.


Thursday, September 6, 2007


Oh holy God, I am excited. Not since the days of the Congressional steroid hearings or that time Congress discovered that there was porn on the internet do Congressional hearings have a chance to be gut splitting hilarious. Check it.

Will this prove:
A. Congress is hopelessly out of touch
B. Congress will do anything to avoid discussing Iraq and out health care mess
C. Having dicks for fingers would be more useful than the US Congress
D. That old people reading rap lyrics continues to be hilarious
E. All of the above

More on this as it develops.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Barack Obama Makes the Baby Jesus Cry

I'd like to start out by saying one, rational and mature thing: Fuck you Barack Obama.

Yeah, bet I had you going there, huh? But why should I be confined to "maturity" and "rationality" when the people who subscribe to those channels produce utter bullshit like this. Why bother to go line by line like I love to do when the whole thing can summed up as "Duhhhhh, I is Brack Obama and when I run for President I will be sure to point out teh threat of that terrible Iran place." Strong diplomacy? Sounds more like "I will make small attempts to engage the Iranians before deciding to bomb them off the map".

Yes yes, Obama is trying to prove how tough he is, because God forbid he gets labeled a "liberal". And yes, Iran is out to piss us off at every opportunity. But they haven't invaded any countries lately. Last I checked we were the only people invading countries for the good of the world. And God forbid Iran try and join the nuclear club like other totally peaceful and non-threatening nations like China and Pakistan. Why should Iran be punished for realizing we're too pussy to attack a nation that actually has WMD?

Not to mention, with our military in the shambles that they're in, do we really think we have the wherewithal (big word!) to invade and occupy another Muslim country? Does anyone really think this will make us more popular? Go read this article. Biased? Sure. But, why would Iran's middle class not learn from the Iraq fiasco?

There's nothing really mind blowingly shocking here. But it isn't supposed to come from the guy who's declaring himself the big guy for change shouldn't be slouching along with the same old conventional wisdom. We've always gotta be talking shit to someone, right? Because if we don't, we'll get bored or something, I guess.

What were talking about again?

Monday, September 3, 2007

New Tom Friedman Meme!

Freakin sweet dude. Hot on the heels of "we need to give Iraq 6 months" appearing in every column and spoken in all his public appearances, Tom Friedman has traveled to Iraq and come back with another insane rhetorical trick: Baghdad as the ATM! And you, dear reader, can be a witness to it here at The Gil Meche Experience.

August 29, 2007
"But it is in our interest, because it increases the chances of the only possible solution here, and that is a loose federation in which each sect controls its own areas and Baghdad serves as an oil-funded A.T.M., dispensing cash proportionally."

September 2, 2007
"The Kurdish autonomous zone should be our model for Iraq. Does George Bush or Condi Rice have a better idea? Do they have any idea? Right now, we’re surging aimlessly. Iraq’s only hope is radical federalism — with Sunnis, Shiites and Kurds each running their own affairs, and Baghdad serving as an A.T.M., dispensing cash for all three. Let’s get that on the table — now."

Please oh please let him put it in his next column...

Saturday, September 1, 2007

So Long To Summer

It is a poetic experience to say goodbye to summer the same day you say goodbye to August. There is a difference, if you think about it. The weather may still be warm for a few weeks, but like some magnificent traveling roadshow, summer has picked up and left us all, never to be seen again.

That is, until June. So farewell to my favorite season, you can't come again soon enough.