Saturday, April 28, 2007

Warrior Note

I am heading to game 4 tomorrow of the Warrior-Mavs series, where I will scream with the rest of the crazies from the bay. I wanted to drop a great examination of the Warriors from the good folks at Freedarko.com. The 06/07 Warriors are one of the most interesting, frustrating, and enjoyable team that I've ever rooted for in any sport. It's been a pleasure watching them.

If you enjoyed the post on the Warrior, check out freedarko.com's view of Tracy McGrady.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

A Toast...

To the NBA Playoffs. Sure, there's more flopping and touch calling than the regular season, but the play and story lines have been phenomenal. Some thoughts to dribble around while you're watching my awe-inspiring 1-2 combo in the Land of Mormon tonight:

-Kobe Bryant is itching to score something like 98 points in one of these starts. With a little less pressure on his own homecourt, he may very well hit his rhythm and make one helluva propt bet for some cool, collected gambler out there.

-The mish-mosh formerly known as Golden State has become a very live dog right underneath the radar (though risking suspension is stupid and may give Ush a heart attack). The Series has given me a good look at this Dirk Nowitzki and I have to say that I don't actually like what I see as a whole. The man is a great player and a franchise piece. I think he deserves praise for his talent and intelligence as well. What I don't understand is why people do not acknowledge that Dirk does not take over a game nearly as well as once thought.

Dallas has a good shot at a ring this year and he will be integral to that. As a statistical entity and portion of a championship team, Dirk is no hero. Slowness means a tremendous lack of defense and Bill Laimbeer-ish moves to the lane. Consider how many players you would trade Dirk for straight up if you were the Dallas Mavericks. By thinking through how the team would function with the newly acuired player, there are more than the MVP chanters would like to admit. Steve Nash or Chris Paul would send that team screaming up and down the court. Kobe Bryant changes a game like no other. Allen Iversen controls the floor as well as he does the basket. Joe Johnson, Tracy Mcgrady, Michael Redd, Paul Pierce, Carmelo Anthony and Lebron James all fill up a stat sheet as well or better. Dwight Howard, Chris Bosh and Yao Ming provide just as much offense with better defense and rebounding. There are days when I would rather have Pau Gasol or even Carlos Boozer or Andre Iguodala for toughness and athleticism. Which of these players would you take for Dirk Nowitzki?

Sure, you could say that Dallas stayed at the same upper echelon without steve Nash. Is it really incorrect to assume that brilliant coaching from both AJ and Nellie as well as added athleticism and some draft luck did not help the Mavericks just as much? Who the hell thought Dasagnia Diop would be useful NBA player.

-Watch a Utah crowd. The Mormons are mean.

-Miami better find life quick. Shaq can't keep carrying eleven other guys when they play badly and the Bulls are out for blood. With the emergence of Kirk Hinrich as a defensive player the Bulls now have three guys that can play both ends of the floor and one of the best defensive players in the game with Ben Wallace.

-Yao Ming discourse is all over the Houston radio. It's mostly in relation to Hakeem Olajuwon and the '94-'95 team. They had a nice little 1-2 punch themselves...

-Tex

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Ze Mailbag; Where Have You Gone, Gay-Rod?

As the spike in the national suicide rate over the past month indicates, our loyal readers have clearly missed the hugely popular mailbag feature. Now, naturally, I've been very busy during my recent hiatus from the blog, but have decided to return to doing what I do best; being smarter than you. Lets go to the mail bag...

Yo Bushido,
Looks like A-Rod's back at it again, hitting meaningless April home runs and padding his stats early on so that his inevitable choking down the stretch doesn't taint his precious numbers. What a bum, right?
Cleon, Astoria, New York

Cleon,
What have you been smoking? I hate the Yanks as much as the next guy, but to sit here and diminsh what A-Rod has been doing this season is just plain silly. Yes, his home runs are coming early in the season, but early in the season is when pitchers are supposed to be (at least theoretically) ahead of the hitters, and given the cold weather and the numbers of other "power hitters," there is simply no way to say that this start is anything short of amazing. Now, he's naturally going to slump at some point, but unless he gets hurt, I don't see A-Rod cooling off that much. In other words, sit back, shut up, and whether you hate the Yanks or love them, enjoy what Rodriguez is doing; this could be the type of season that you tell your grandkids about.

Hello Bushido,
What the bloody hell is going on with the Gunners? A disappointing season, potential AMERICAN ownership, and Arsene Wenger still insisting that he isn't going to go out and sign world class players. Its enough to make a chap gag on his eel pie.
Winston, Manchester, England

Firstly, the sight of eel pie should be enough to make a person gag; Arsenal should have nothing to do with it. But that being said, it has been a strange year for the Gunners. Early exits from all the top competitions and a likely fourth place finish are bad enough, but made that much worse by the turmoil surrounding the clubs changes on the business end and, naturally, the fact that Arsene is still to concerned with looking smarter than everyone else to go out and spend big money on a top player. But you see, Winston, this is why American ownership is not necessarily the worst thing for the club. Singular ownership makes a single person accountable, and in turn makes everyone answer to the same person. More to the point, Arsenal is in serious debt from the Emirates Stadium project, and could certainly use a cash infusion, particularly from an owner with a winning pedigree. Kroenke oversaw the Rams reign as the greatest show on turf, the Avalanche's second Stanley Cup, and a string of competitive Nuggets teams. At this point, and given the fact that things may not get much better next season unless Wenger is willing to make some sweeping changes, Arsenal could do a lot worse.

Yo Bushido,
THE KNICKS...THE FUCKING KNICKS...ARRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
(unsigned)
Ever since the Knicks fell out of contention this season, I have been getting a lot of mail about the state of the franchise. However, I felt this anonymous letter best summed up the feelings of the fan base. In short, if the lottery balls bounce the wrong way, lock your doors and shut your windows, because roving gangs of homicidal Knicks fans will likely be controlling the streets in a scene reminiscent of The Road Warrior. Its easy to understand why Zeke made the Eddy Curry trade; he thought that the Knicks wouldn't be in the lottery during these last two seasons, and that the swap would likely only involve moving down 1 or 2 spots, if at all. However, it is impossible to understand why he felt this way. Certainly some felt that Larry Brown would bring the franchise back to the playoffs, but anyone who felt he would do it in his first season, with a squad full of rookies and role players, had watched Hoosiers one time too many. The fact is, the Knicks have a good center, but may have surrendered a true franchise player in the process if they lad a spot in the top three. And even though the Knicks are a young, talented team which should compete for a playoff spot next season, if Greg Oden or Kevin Durant suit up for the Bulls next year, there will likely be a major backlash from Knicks fans (who know, as the commercial said), one which could cost Zeke his job if Dolan gets up from his mound of cocaine long enough to notice the reality of this franchise, not that I see that happening any time soon.

In short, it's enough to make a man gag on his eel pie.

Monday, April 23, 2007

Open Mic Night at the Sideshow Corner

When I first kicked it into college, my roommate was a guy from [url= http://www.mapquest.com/maps/map.adp?searchtype=address&country=US&addtohistory=&searchtab=home&formtype=address&popflag=0&latitude=&longitude=&name=&phone=&level=&cat=&address=&city=Dalhart&state=TX&zipcode=]Dalhart , TX[/url] named Blake Stribling. Since Dalhart is about the size of my neighborhood and in what is loosely referred to as B.F.E. Texas, he was a country fan. However, he wasn't your everyday country fan. He was a TEXAS country fan. As I came to learn, Texas country is to regular country as punk rock is to mainstream rock. This subculture seems to owe as much to Kurt Cobain as it does to Willie Nelson for its sound. Their rally call is "Nashville Sucks," or alternatively "Fuck Nashville."

The band my roommate got me into was [url=http://www.crosscanadianragweed.com]Cross Canadian Ragweed[/url]. This badass foursome (guitarist Grady Cross, frontman Cody Canada, drummer Randy Ragsdale, and bassist Jeremy Plato) has dominated my stereo on and off for the past five years. Blake and I had quite a few interesting nights hopping the border to go see them at the Corona Club in Acuna, Mexico. So, whenever I'm feeling particularly nostalgic for my lost roommate (the man is untraceable), I pop in the Ragweed and rock out. It was while I was jamming their latest live album, "Back to Tulsa: Live and Loud at Cain's Ballroom," that I heard something I'd never heard before: an anti-war country song.

The track is an acoustic number with fellow Texas Country star [url=http://www.stoneylarue.com/]Stoney LaRue[/url] entitled "When Will It End?" Cody Canada tells the audience he was going to save the song for the next studio album but that he's afraid the point won't get across if he does "because you never know." After an opening few bars on the guitar and harmonica, Cody's voice comes in: "How many a mother's cry/How many sons will die/How many more will bleed? How many more will fall/How long 'til you have it all? Tell me how much do you need?" And, just for reference, this was one of many country bands to release a "We're going to chop off Osama bin Laden's nuts because America kicks ass" song. A lot can change in 6 years.

The lyrics to the song read like the average politically-minded punk song. "Take your flag, let it fry/Watch it burn up in the sky/And I'll pretend that I don't mind." "The greed flows like a river/And the crude flows like wine/You won't be happy 'til you get every dime/Tell me when will it end?" Canada wraps up the tune and accents it with a simple, "Bring 'em home" before going into the next song, leaving me more than a little flabbergasted.

The point of this blog, though, is not to gush about how awesome this band is (awesome though they are). This is a scolding of punk music. Everyone knows that punk rock is currently dominated by whiny emo kids who were psychologically stunted at about 13 and would get their asses kicked by a kitten. Nobody really cares, though, because there's a sort of unspoken belief that true punk lives on...somewhere. However, as I look back at these past 6 years of towers falling, wars starting, gas prices rising, stock markets falling, and weather phenomena obliterating, I realize that the only people who've written songs against this have been Green Day, John Mayer, and Cross Canadian Ragweed. Screw what's wrong with this country; what's wrong with punk rock? You're letting your corporate image, a wuss post-Dave Matthews reject, and a country band do the job that's been yours since the first album cut by the Stooges? NoFX released "War on Errorism" and organized "Rock Against Bush" in your name, but that's little more than a drop in the bucket and to tell you the truth, both albums are so forgettable that I had to be reminded of them by Tex while I was writing this blog. Therefore, they are certainly not anywhere near enough to account for the rest of your retarded laziness. For shame.

You sell your soul to Build-a-Punk stores like Hot Topic and you let these emo dorks run around with your name crying about how they can't get laid because they write sappy poetry while our country is pouring gajillions of dollars into war and sending people to the slaughter for oil in the name of Jesus?

Consider this your wake-up call, punk rock. You have 10 minutes to not shower, turn off that Nintendo, throw on your ripped jeans and your fucked up hoodie, primp your Mohawk, strap your shitty guitar to your neck, rock those power chords, and scream out of tune about how everything sucks or I'm going to personally kick your ass. I'm counting.

-Sideshow

The Braves Cut their Eyes at Us...


Well, if ever a case was made for the fact that you can't take anything for granted in sports, it was made this weekend, when Atlanta took 2 of 3 against the Amazins at Shea, making them 4 for 6 against the Mets this season. Sunday's game was an extra special gut puncher, as a come from behind effort by the Mets (complete with a near inside-the-park-grand slam 3 run triple by Jose Reyes) was tossed aside by the suddenly shaky bullpen.

Of course, this means that this seasons division race will be much more exciting now that Atlanta decided to show up again. Winning the NL East last year was fantastic, and it was nice to end Atlanta's reign, but it almost felt as though it was a forfeit rather than the changing of the guard we as Mets fans hoped for. This year, the Braves are focused and healthy, and it is clear that they are not going to be lying down for anybody. A long baseball season is always that much better with a heated rivalry.

Nevertheless, as much as I like the rivalry, I do miss last years doormat Braves. Hopefully they'll decide to make a cameo at Shea sometime this summer. Until then, equality in the loss column aside, the Braves are the team at the top of the NL East. Hopefully the Mets (especially the bullpen) are up for the challenge.

Friday, April 20, 2007

John Hollinger=Zombie

So if you head over to espn.com, you will read a fascinating account of John Hollinger's attempts to predict the playoffs. He uses his power rankings to determine the likelihood of each payoff team's chances to get to the NBA finals. He admits that he doesn't take into account injuries, or playoff experience, or anything outside of statistical information. Ok, it's an interesting attempt to take subjectivity out of the argument, and get a real idea of the championship contenders. However, there might be a little problem with this formula. It has the Miami Heat having ZERO percent chance of getting to the NBA finals. ZERO! Not fifteen, or ten, or even one. Hollinger's playoff formula foresees literally no chance of the Miami Heat making it to the finals.

Now, the Heat have had a weird season, and they clearly aren't as strong as they were last year. But I think that I can safely say that a system that says the Heat have ZERO chance of getting to the finals this year should require some tinkering.

Hollinger's system loses even more credibility if you look at his predictions from last year. Using the same formula that he used this year showed the Mavs and Heat having the forth and fifth best chances to make the finals. Mavericks were behind the Suns and Spurs, and the Heat had only five percent chance of making it to the finals, almost thirty-five percent behind the Pistons. Not exactly a winning formula.

I admire Hollinger's attempts to use statistical data to create new ways to look at teams and players, but he has huge problem, in that many times his data does not match up with the real world. Instead of looking at this formula and thinking, "Wow! The Heat have no chance to make it to the finals! I'm a genius!", he should be saying "Wow! This formula sucks!". Then again, he might get agitated. And no one wants that.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

AHHHHHHHH!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH



Hello. A book of postcard stamps if you please.



AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Mama Mia! Boston Pizzeria!

Masshole 1: I'm gonna get a baaaall! I'm gonna get a baaaaall! Hold mai beera!

Masshole 2: No way bro, it's meeinn! Hold MAI beera!

Garret Andersen: Move, ya dumb sonuvabitch!

(Beer spills)

Masshole 1: AAAaaaaaaaahahhhh...
Masshole 2: Aaaaaaaaawwweesoooooommmeeee!



But whenever there's an injustice in the left field foul seats at Fenway...

Whenever there is an undeserved strike three called against the heart of the sawx order...

Whenever Garrett Anderson gets credit for an out he might not have made...

Pizzaman will be there...

To defend the Boston Faithful.

-Tex

Seriously, Jason Whitlock?

So Jason, I see that you're really getting famous thanks to Don Imus' old stupid mouth. Oprah, Tucker, Rosie. Everyone loves Jason Whitlock. And let me be the first to say: "Fuck you, enjoy it while it lasts."

Seriously, is this the same Jason Whitlock who hacked his way through Page 2 when I used to not read him? The asshole who wrote the NFL Truths columns? Because I remember those. And they were absolutely terrible. Just the same old tricks every other crap sportswriter in America does. Bloviate on your chosen subject screaming to the high heavens that you're telling the truth. In fact, Whitlock left nothing to the imagination, telling you every week that he had a fresh batch of "NFL truths" to ram down our eyeholes.

The same Jason Whitlock that took his show on the road to the AOL Fanhouse, starting up Real Talk? The same bullshit scenario, in which he makes sure to let us know that when Jason Whitlock says it, IT'S REAL TALK. Hey Jason, maybe I'd find more truth in your assertions if you didn't tell me you were telling me how it was every five lines. Oh, that and if you didn't defend the Raiders signing Jeff George. An action that apparently is number one in Big Sexy's 10 Rules. Of course, you also once said:
These athletes make millions of dollars. I just don’t understand why everyone feels pro athletes need groupies in the media. Or can’t at least one person be honest?
So can you be honest with us and explain why your Jeff George crush and your desire to see athletes not sucked up can exist at the same time? Because Jeff George is your friend? Of course, I got it.

The same Jason Whitlock that spent a column declaring that female reporters don't belong in locker rooms? Oh sure, he also said that no reporters should be allowed in the locker room, but it was a cover your ass gesture. And once again, like a true hack, he paints a picture with a broad, sloppy brush. Male reporters can't and shouldn't go in women's locker rooms because we wouldn't be able to control ourselves?

Oh Jason, you slay me! Maybe for your next joke, you can tell us about how your wife wishes you would leave the toilet seat down!

So you're telling me that this hack now gets to become an authoritative voice on black America? And why? Because he's dissing hip hop and Reverend Al? My goodness, will the hackery never end? Hey Jason, not only are you not the first to attack gangsta rap, you aren't even the ten thousandth. In fact, before the Imus flap, the Reverend was protesting the actions of Tony Yayo, after he beat up a 14 year old boy over label beef. He's been in this game a lot longer than you Jason, and while he's made plenty of mistakes, him and Jesse sure as hell aren't terrorists.

And there's also nothing new about your attacks on gangsta rap. Nothing that everyone from Bill Clinton to Bill O'Reilly haven't already done. In fact, you obviously haven't listened to Mos Def, Lupe Fiasco, MF Doom, Talib Kweli, Jay-Z, or Nas to name just six of many rappers who've talked about where their industry is going and what it means.

Man am I angry. I'd better go blow off some steam before I explode on some fool.

Playoffs?

So it finally happened. I'm sure Tex and the pulpman are happy, if only for the reason that they won't have to worry about me throwing things while listening to Warrior games on the radio (at least for a little while). This is a strange occurrence. I have been so conditioned to watching the Warriors fail, that seeing them over the past month not only win, but blow teams away has been somewhat unsettling.

But that doesn't really matter. Watching the Warriors dance around at half-court with their crazy drunk coach was a beautiful thing to watch. Seeing crazy Stephen Jackson and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Al laughing on the sideline as the clock ran down to zero was very satisfying. Having Biendris run around the court like the crazy foreigner he is was enjoyable. But three things stick out at me:
  • J-Rich standing at half-court, taking it all in. This guy has been the only consistent Warrior over the past six years, and has become beloved by the fan base. Seeing him constantly over-looked by the national media has been frustrating, and I can only hope that now he will get the respect he deserves.
  • Baron strutting around the court. He is clearly the boss of the team, and to see him redeem his career by leading this team to the playoffs was great to see. And I love the playoff beard. I hope he doesn't shave that thing for the series vs. the Mavs. It's approaching Ricky Williams level.
  • The sight that will most stick out to me will be the scenes at the Oracle Arena in Oakland, with 4,000 Warrior fans watching the game and going nuts. Warrior fans are odd birds. We are almost always passionate, generally knowledgeable, and seemingly all about pain and suffering. Seeing 17,000 fans pack the arena year after year, no matter how bad the Warriors were, was inspiring, and helped me keep my sanity. So congrats to all Warrior fans! Now when someone makes fun of you, you can respond with more then the usual kicking them in the groin and running.
Do the Warriors have a shot against the Mavs? Sure. Why not? And if they get swept, I really won't care too much. It's worth it this year just to have them play past the middle of April.

Congratulations Ush

The fictionally located Golden State Warriors have made the playoffs. Congratulations Ush! I can't wait to see the Warriors run with the Mavs, even if it's a far cry away and about thirty shots of German liquor in the belly of Dirk from a victory in the series for them.

Not that I'm not hoping you win. A forty point game seven margin does not dull all that much over two seasons and I'm ready for Dallas to get it's spectacular regular season record blasted out of the playoffs. Game on, HoopsHeads!

-Tex

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Nothing Clever To See Here

I sat and tried to think of some wise ass title to give this post. But apparently this sweep actually means something to me. Which makes sense. After seven years of futility, one of nothing and one of disappointment, I finally get to watch the Rangers play hockey the when it's meant to be played: in May.

Every game that goes by, the legends of Henrik Lundqvist and Sean Avery grow. The Rangers have two Hall of Famers in Jagr and Shanahan, but they wouldn't be anywhere without the Swede and the tough guy.

Henrik Lundqvist looked lost to start the season, which concerned everyone. It looked like a sophmore slump at best. At worst, he was shattered after the way the Devils swept the Rangers out of the playoffs last year. But as it turns out, he got his shit together and became the hottest goalie in hockey. And a horse at that, playing 26 of the Rangers' last 28 games, and these four playoff games.

I can only posit that Avery came into his first practice with the team and fired a gun in the air. How else to explain the immediate impact he had on the attitude of a directionless, inconsistent team that was underachieving like they got paid for it? Sean Avery showed up and the team tightened up. They hustled, they played with urgency, and they pulled off an incredible run that so far has steamrolled over Atlanta.

I guess Governor Spitzer can learn a thing or two from Sean Avery, eh? Ahhhh, there it is. There's the bad comedian just begging to get out.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Those damn co-ed dorms!

Obviously everyone has read about the horrible attack that took place at Virginia Tech yesterday. Some people have been attempting to find ways to avoid such attacks in the future. Today, we have a very insightful article written by Carol Iannone, of the rational and totally not crazy National Review. In this lovely article, she shows incredible insight into how this situation can not be repeated:
"And I'm sorry, some will really think me foolish, but I don't think dorms should be co-ed, so that crazed, jealous boyfriends can enter their girlfriends' dorms and kill them and the innocent young men who come to their aid. If it had been a single-sex dorm, the killer might not have been able to enter so readily. There aren't enough difficulties getting young people through college these days so that we have to deal with "domestic disputes" in their dormitories as well?"

Well Carol, you can count me as one who not only thinks you aren't foolish, but wants to promote you to captain of all social situations! I think that the opposite sexes shouldn't mix until marriage. Why bring out extra stress and anxiety amongst the population?

However, Carol's wise words do not stop there. She makes this interesting and profound point:
"I am sorry that no one had a gun to take the killer out before he could destroy more lives. He was evidently able to reload. Was there a moment when he could have been tackled?...We all need to learn to act, and not necessarily to rely on security and responders. We are supposed to be at war. This was not an act of terrorism but it may as well have been, for the damage it caused. We must be wartime ready."

Damn right! I know the next time I think someone looks suspicious, I'm going to just shoot them. That way I know I'll be safe. Thanks Carol!

DogHouse on the Superfight

Dan Horgan at Doghouse Boxing put together a snippet breakdown of a conundrum for Floyd Mayweather in the Prettyboy's May 5th Megamatch with the Golden Boy, claiming that he's damned if he do and damned if he don't.

While insightful, Horgan fails to acknowledge that while Floyd has stated publicly that it will be his last fight, he will likely stay in the game for some time to come. The May payday should be the biggest in boxing history. Boxers unretire all the time (often for the worse) and it will be nearly impossible to step out of the way while he is considered to be the best fighter on the planet and has more paydays to come in his future.

Even if he does dance his way to victory on May 5th and provides for a situation where half of the world overpays for a boring fight, he will still be the best in the game. Challengers will be stepping over their mother to reach him. Guys drop and add up to twenty pounds in this sport to meet someone who is worth cash. May 5th shows that the Pretty Boy is worth more cash than anyone save his great opponent to come, one Oscar Delahoya.

Mark my words: Even if we see a wrestling match, PrettyBoy can still play grabass with Winky Wright on national television for a spectacular payday. If Floyd Mayweather is stuck between a rock and a hard place than it must be a lawn chair and a swimming pool inside two concrete slabs of deluxe hotel granite.

-Tex

David Stern grows a pair

So finally the NBA makes their referees accountable for their actions. After seeing Joey Crawford totally lose his mind and decide that laughing was not acceptable, I was worried that Stern would revert to his standard routine of backing his refs no matter how bad they fuck up. This isn't the first time Joey Crawford has went ape-shit, and it's good to see the league save itself from this tiny bald man. Although I would pay some money to see the potential fight go down between Duncan and Crawford.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Do You, Jimmy?

So, you still wonder who would bother to advertise on a website Jimmy?


Yeah, thought so.

Tex's Fight Freak Update: Big Phony Exposed, Underdogs take Weekend

A seven foot phony to be exact.

The NBA center-sized Russian heavyweight Nicolai Valuev lost his belt this weekend when he met the slick southpaw skills of Ruslan Chagaev. Chagaev easily outpointed Valuev and derailed his undefeated streak before it passed that of the great champion Rocky Marciano.

You could chalk this one up to Karma. Valuev's promoters never planned to take him on the road against actual fighters until they crossed paths with Chagaev, the mandatory challenger for the WBA belt. Had he won this weekend, they would have fed him chumps for dinner until he was 50-0(*) or betterand one of boxing's greatest and most well-known records would be mired in controversey.

Chagaev beat John Ruiz without a problem while Valuev barely squeaked past the Clinchmonster on a 2-1 decision in an ugly fight. Ruiz holds more than a drug dealer at a Phish Show. Valuev should have knocked the man out but instead wrestled back.

Who can't beat a monster of that size in a fight when two guys are trying to outgrab each other? I'm willing to put some money on Shaq if he ever goes UFC.

Anyway, Chagaev does good work. He's a slick southpaw heavyweight, a phrase that can be uttered in reference to no other fighter in the world. He will probably be marginally protected for some time as his promoters try to rack up a few defenses without too much competition. While that will prevent a unified title, it is worth the price as a boxing fan to see the streak stopped. This also ends the age-old debate once and for all: It's easier to beat a giant than a southpaw.

:et us all rejoice. The longhairs are all celebrating this weekend. Now they have double the cause. Valuev never deserved a belt and he's not half the fighter that a guy like James Toney or Chris Byrd have been over the course of their careers. I remember him saying in the feature before the Monte Barrett fight something along the lines of him wanting to be known for more than just being a big fighter. That's like Donald Trump complaining that people only like him because he's rich. I can come to like Nicolai Valuev if he embraces that which he is good at: A ridiculously long jab and the smashing of much tinier men. Then we might actually the heavyweight rumbles we deserve, with high punch output and thudding shots reminiscent of Lewis-Mercer or Tua-Ibeabuchi. Instead we got this dreck. I was in a fight in pre-school in which I hit the kid with a small wooden block and landed him at the nurse's office and me in timeout. There were more people hurt in that slugfest than this pathetic excuse for a world championship fight.

In other news, there were even fights on the Saturday Pacman card. The Pactser dropped rival Jorge Solis in eight rounds and knocked him out. Solis' response was that his"wife hits harder than Manny Pacquiao." I say we slap some gloves on her and stick her in there with Manny to see if she could do what her husband failed to accomplish.


The undercard was plenty surprising as well, with fan favorite Jorge Arce taking up leather punches as a new part of his well-balanced diet. Arce's bloody face at the end of the fightsays it all. Cristian Mijares hit harder, faster, with better defense and more ring generalship. Period.

I suspect we will see the likable Arce back soon. He is more marketable than almost any other fighter on the planet and he still has plenty of pop and talent. An eventual rematch with legitimate hopes of victory is hadly out of the question.

As for Mijares, he will likely move onto the biggest fight he can get. He has dispensed of the most popular little man in the sport and stands for a well-earned payday against a heavy hitter like Darchinyan. The fans deserve it too, especially after all the Arce hype.

Legendary son Julio Cesar Chavez, Jr. destroyed his opponent in a two round blowout, taking care of business as he should. Chavez is going to have to take on some real competition soon.

The disappointing Brian Viloria was also defeated by razor thing margins against the 25-7 Edgar Sosa. Sosa has a misleading record because he started his career 10-7 before going on a tear of fifteen straight victories. If he plays his cards right and wins some fights, there's a decent payday or two in his future.

That's about all for now, especially since Douglas-Tyson, the Astros and the Rockets are all about to begin playing simultaneously. Excuse me for ending this in curt fashion; I'm just too excited.

-Tex

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Warriors Win. WARRIORS WIN!

The Warriors are currently in the eighth spot in the West. If they win their last two games, they are in. ASJFAIOWEJRFNVASJHDFOPTH'ASDJG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm exicted.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Today we Mourn a Legend('s minor injury)

Last night, I received some horrifying news. Our patron saint, Gil Meche, left his start with a hamstring injury yesterday. I've been violently depressed, doing nothing but eating ice cream, crying, and listening to Karen Carpenter on a constant loop all day. Just thinking about all those poor Kansas Citians bereaved of their greatest hero since Burt Bacharach makes me cry a single tear. Now, I'm sure upon hearing this, you're asking yourself, "surely $55 million isn't enough to solve this problem, so what can I do to help ease the pain of this national tragedy?" I agree, so if anyone has high-level connections inside the Jerry Lewis camp, I think a telethon is in order. Gil, you'll never walk alone.

I would personally like to extend my best wishes to the entire Meche family in their hour of need; we're going to get through this guys, one step at a time.

Overcome.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Tex's Fight Freak Update

I've been hitting the boxing pads with Sideshow almost every night for the last week and it's helping to replenish my blackened lungs (now healing from the break/heave ho I gave cigarettes). In a few weeks, I might be able to beat up a nine year old girl.

The motivation is from a downright bitchin' upcoming fight schedule that is televised the way it should be for a good majority of the fights. This weekend in San Antonio Manny Pacquiao takes on Jorge Solis as a mandatory challenger with an undercard that features Jorge Arce, Brian Viloria and Julio Cesar Chavez as favorites in three seperate fights. That's 4.5 elite fighters out of eight in the main fighta on that card and it's there for the taking on Top Rank pay per view. The pay is a pain but no one that knows the fight game can say the card doesn't deliver.

Oh by the way, ESPN's Dan Rafael tossed in a cheesy Eminem writeup for Jorge Solis in this month's division rankings:

"In his song 'Lose Yourself,' Eminem raps, 'Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity to seize everything you ever wanted, one moment, would you capture it or just let it slip?' That's what Solis must ask himself as he prepares for the fight of his life against Manny Pacquiao. It's the kind of opportunity that comes once in a lifetime for a good, but totally unknown fighter like Solis."


Mike Arnaoutis fights Kendall Holt in Showtime next week. Arnaoutis should be undefeated, having been robbed into the end of the stick on a split decision against Ricardo Torres in his last fight. This cat throws sharp, heavy punches. Put him in the pile of dangerous assasins in the welterweight range. Holt is a marginally talented fight with an inflated record that will probably get mopped. However, he has put the hurt on a few fighters before and was only defeated by Thomas Davies. Davies, a journeyman with an 11-4 record and 7 KOs, was outslicked into a 6 round unanimous decision loss by crafty southpaw Luis Collazo. The point is, Araoutis should fly and it will be a good one to watch.

In Minnesota on April 25th you can catch Jason Litzau on ESPN. Litzau is a slick, heavy-handed, stick and move fighter with excellent ring generalship. He is uber-marketable, a law school student at NYU while he was undefeated and a pseudo-Eminem personality. Why would anyone ever put a fighter like this on ESPN rather than HBO? Well, he WAS on HBO... until he met a guy named Carlos Hernandez. Hernandez fights Rocky Juarez on the undercard of the May5th Mayweather-Delahoya superfight. Juarez was defeated in two close fights against Marco Antonio Barrera, the first of which was an exciting primetime performance and close as could be.

Anyway, Hernandez was fighting the faster and more athletic Litzau and being outscored bya wide margin in the seventh round of the fight. Hernandez knocked him down in the first round and rocked him hard but Litzau came back to fight in steady and controlling fashion. HE could not hurt Hernandez; as my friend Steckle said during the fight,"That guy's body looks all rubbery like a little kid, like he can't get hurt." In the eighth, Hernandez began throwing his right hand over the top rather than the straight shot he was using before. It landed fresh on the button and tore down Litzau. It will be interesting to see where each of them go from here.

Three days later marks and HBO open television shot of one of the best fights of the year: Acelino Popo Freitas vs. my H-town bull Juan Diaz. Diaz is smooth, strong and well-rounded. His regiment has paid dividends with absurd endurance, blinding hand speed, decent pop in both hands and tactical prowess, shoving, dipping, cutting and slipping his way to being undefeated with relative ease. This is a championship unifier that actually matters as it will likely decide the Ring Magazine lightweight champ and push one of the men into the Pound for Pound discussion.

The Super Fight the following week ends the run of beautiful boxing but fight fans can salivate the schedule that is to come several weeks after. This Summer features Jermain Taylor against Cory Spinks and Edison Miranda against Kelly Pavlik on one lineup, Shannon Briggs vs. Sultan Ibragimov, Miguel Cotto vs. Zab Judah, Humberto Soto vs. Bobby Pacquiao, Ricky Hatton vs. Jose Luis Castillo for Hatton's Ring Magazine belt, Wladimir Klitschko vs. Lamon Brewster, the interesting-on-paper-but-sure-to-be-boring Hopkins-Wright matchup and the yet to be announced mandatory freak brawl between Paul Williams and Antonio Margarito.

I have to go punch some pads now. If you aren't a fight freak currently, get yourself together and see some of these matchups before we're back to watching Ray Austin and Jaidon Condrington get floored in flashy fashion like we were before.

-Tex

So It Goes: A Playoff Preview

There was supposed to be something up here about how I viewed the Mets' young season, but then Kurt Vonnegut went and died on us. I guess you'll all have to put up with a hockey post instead. So it goes.

The Rangers last year were one of the best teams in hockey, with the best player in hockey (fuck you Joe Thorton). For three quarters of the season anyway. Then rookie sensation Peter Prucha got a knee injury, the Olympics came, Jaromir Jagr got a concussion, Henrik Lundqvist started getting headaches, the Devils got hot and the Rangers found themselves dropping from a 3 seed to a 6 seed and were promptly humiliated and swept by the Devils in 4 games. So it goes.


This year's Ranger team has brought all the faithful fans to the edge and back, just about every week, until the 26 game stretch down the end when they went 16-5-5 and solidified a playoff spot. They even grabbed the 6 seed or good measure, impressively jumping from ninth in the league to sixth. I attribute this to the import of complete dickhead Sean Avery.

Often when I meet people, I come off like an asshole. I don't mean to usually, it's just the way I talk about things. This, coincidentally enough, has not won me many female admirers. Sean Avery is not only an asshole, he gets paid to be one. Not only that, but he is dating Elisha Cuthbert. So it goes.

The Atlanta Thrashers are a talented offensive team with speed and tremendous goal scoring ability. I haven't heard of any of their defensemen and their goalie's name is Kari, which is one letter away from Keri, which is a girl's name. The Thrashers also have Bobby Holik, a name Rangers fans will remember from the bad old days at MSG when the Rangers played like the Knicks.

Due to my rampant homerism and my complete unwillingness to pick a team from Atlanta to do anything but crash the team bus off a mountain, I will pick the Rangers in six, citing their veteran moxie and the resurgent Henrik Lundqvist, who's so hot right now he can get away with assaulting teenagers (I kid, I kid. She was asking for it).

The last thing I will say is that it's incredible, but only 1 of the 4 games tonight will be broadcast on national television. What's that you say? The NHL is run by morons?

So it goes.

God Bless You Mr. Vonnegut

The first Kurt Vonnegut novel I ever read was Cat's Cradle, in the ninth grade. I didn't get all of it at the time, but I knew it was funny. Later, when I wittier and handsomer, I saw the book for the brilliant send up of the Cold War and religion that it was.

His books never disappointed me as I tore through all the other ones I could find. God Bless You Mr. Rosewater, Slapstick, Breakfast of Champions, Galapagos and Slaughterhouse Five entrenched him as my second literary hero after one Dr. Thompson.

And now, much like Doc, Kurt is gone, and we're worse off for it. They share something, in that I started thinking they both would be around forever. I figured that all three of us would whether the storm of the Bush II years and then when some sleeker, pretty face came in to office in 2008, we'd all three snort derisively and explain why our new President is just a corporate stooge with no agenda to really make our lives better.

I'd say now that I'm the only one left, but that would be selfish. Because there's a piece of Kurt in some of us. So let's carry on for him. Cynical, distrustful of all institutions, but still a sucker for human kindness. And like the man said, "Damn it babies, you've got to be kind."

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Open Mic Night: Sideshow

I know I've taken some shots at some fine individuals recently, but let's be honest here. I'm one lazy fucking editor. I've had a fine piece of nonsense sitting in my mailbox for over a week and I just forgot about it. Hooray for me. Now, a man who needs no introduction.

Yo yo. Sideshow here. Don't be afraid, I'm just a guest artist on this track. "The Gil Meche Experience ft. Sideshow." Werd to ya motha. I'm going to momentarily derail the Experience's standard fare of stat-crunching and the exciting exploits of players you've never heard of to bring you something completely different: A rant on comic books.

Now, a short disclaimer: I am a comic book freak. If I was consistent in my rantings enough to keep a blog, it would be a comic book blog…with the occasional movie review. It's what I do. I'm in theatre/film and I read comics. I play/watch baseball, too, but that's not really that unique among these drugged up hippies with the minds of computers so long as it pertains to RBIs and rushing yards. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I spent an entire week on the fabled couch of Apartment 618 watching March Madness and the World Baseball Classic (not to be confused with the World Boxing Commission or the Women for Better Canadians) and came out with a revolutionary adventure game epic and a badass story about the Washington, DC monument tour and magic mushrooms. However, why have a guest artist if he's not going to do something different? Why not let the rest of the people take up the slack? Besides, I don't care enough about teams other than the Astros to actually go into a discussion on them.

Anyway, on to my point. I was on my way home this evening, my arms sore from a sparring round with WEJ (Tex to you Philistines), when this argument popped into my head. I'm a huge fan of Superman. He's not my favorite superhero, but he's definitely number two. Being a Superman fan is rough, though. You get some respect, but you also get dismissed rather quickly as easy to please, idealistic, and hokey. People are always quick to cut Superman down essentially for no reason other than that he is Superman. "Man, Superman sucks ass!" says the common man. "If you take away all his powers, he ain't nothin'. Just a guy in a stupid suit. Batman could totally whoop his ass." I'm not going to go into Batman vs. Superman (some other blog), but that essentially totals up what every Superman fan is subject to. It's what the recent movie was subject to (that, and Brandon Routh's lukewarm acting talent). My main peeve, though, is the argument that Superman wouldn't be Superman without his powers. Talk about the mother of all fallacious arguments! That's right; FALLACIOUS. Yeah, Superman wouldn't be such a badass without his powers. In a related study, scientists took away all of Michael Jordan's basketball skill and it turns out he sucks at basketball without it. Who'd of thunk it?

And the writers of the comics are almost worse about it. Instead of swatting that argument away in a split second without even a thought, they decide to hone their backpedaling skills. "No, really, he's really a hero regardless. He's got a good heart. Nurture vs. Nature…" blah blah blah. Yes, they are right in an abstract sense. Without his superpowers, Clark Kent would probably still be a stand-up guy who would help people if he found himself in a situation to. He'd be part of our nation's great agricultural economy, a good ol' boy in Smallville with a lovely wife and 2.5 kids. He'd drive a Silverado, he'd go to all the high school football games and he'd be another Bush vote. That duality does make for interesting concepts. The same man who you could see chilling on a John Deere drinking Budweiser and beginning every conversation with, "I'll tell ya what…" will theoretically live forever (he's been shown living inside the sun in the year 85,271), can juggle moons like you or I toss around wadded up paper, and be the center of sweeping space epics that define and redefine genres and status quos. Even after all of that, though, you can fly him back to Smallville and make him save Pa Kent from being crushed by the tractor for the millionth time (you'd think that after the first couple of times Pa Kent would spring for a decent jack).

However, Superman is Superman because, as has been said, he has powers. It's part of his character, part of his DNA. Just as Batman is Batman because he trained for a long time, Spider-Man is Spider-Man because he was bitten by a spider, and Al Sharpton is fat because he eats a lot of ding-dongs, so too is Superman Superman because he has the ability to be so. This doesn't say anything about his character or his awesomeness (unless you're telling a story about how his powers help make him awesome). It just means he has a different set of given circumstances to play with. A real writer lives for that challenge. "What? A product no one believes in and you want ME to do the definitive run? Well, okay…" If you want proof of how certain writers have succeeded in making Superman a badass and still be true to the character, I recommend the following reading list: Superman (Vol. 2) #209, Action Comics #775, Emperor Joker, Infinite Crisis, and JLA #7. Anyone who doesn't say Superman kicks ass after reading those stories has their head in the paste jar.

So do me a favor. The next time someone tells you Superman is lame because he has powers, tell 'em Sideshow says they're a raging tard. And, if that person happens to be a hottie aged 18-25, give 'em my number so I can go over the finer points with her myself. That's it, Amen, I'm out!

-Sideshow

Craig Biggio Wins

Craig Biggio's Sunshine kid battle ended like this:

Sunshine Kids: So what was the final verdict from last month's controversy surrounding Craig Biggio's desire to wear his Sunshine Kids pin during Spring Training games?

The Commissioner's Office left Biggio a message informing him he was permitted to wear the pin for the remainder of the spring games, which included the Astros' exhibition in Round Rock and the two games in Houston with Kansas City.

The pin sparked somewhat of a controversy following a televised spring game, when a Major League Baseball official saw the pin and asked Biggio to remove it while playing official spring games.

Biggio was angry with the request and expressed his disgust through the media. The controversy did have a silver lining, however. Representatives from the Sunshine Kids -- a support group for kids with cancer and their families -- reported a significant spike in donations after the Biggio story went public.

Now that the regular season has started, Biggio is back to wearing the pin on his hat during batting practice only. His sons, Conor and Cavan, have also been spotted wearing the pin on their hats when they're at the ballpark, something they hadn't done before. Many more fans at Minute Maid Park are also sporting the bright yellow sunshine pin.

"I think the right thing happened," Biggio said. "It was always about the Kids."


Bud Selig, take the shame.

-Tex

To Our Reader in San Jose

Greetings faithful reader! Any Sharks fan is a friend of the Gil Meche Experience, that's what I've always said. We single you out because according to the little stat tracker thingy that I installed, you read our blog almost as compulsively as we do. Which is awesome. Obviously your job is just as important as all of ours. I think I'm mostly saying hello and wondering why you don't comment? You're our only consistent non-acquittance reader. I think. So speak up. Please.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Drunken All-Stars: James Posey


Duke Lacrosse players acquitted. The stripper market has also fallen.

My bad.

As much as I want to discuss Don Imus and the non-aftermath of the Dukie battle I'd rather take a look at James Posey, who was out at 4:30 this morning and was picked up for a DUI. The po-lice say:

"Posey, who was released from jail in Miami-Dade County on Monday afternoon after posting $1,000 bond, issued an apology through the team Monday night, yet also denied the charge.

'Please know that I was neither intoxicated nor was I driving at the time,' Posey said."

I wonder how he could have been pulled over for a DUI if he wasn't in a car...

"Posey was arrested after police said he was pulled over for stopping in the middle of a double-lane road.

According to police, Posey was talking to occupants of other vehicles and pedestrians. Posey displayed 'bloodshot eyes, slurred speech and an odor of an alcoholic beverage on his breath,' the police report said."

See, why don't I ever get to see James Posey wandering around high at the traffic lights near my house? And what kind of weirdo does that when he's sober? How extroverted can one man be? James Posey waves at cars?

How fucking drunk do you have to be before you don't realize that you can't stop your car in the middle of the road and converse with passersby? Could you imagine a hungover Posey tossing it into the third row on a pivotal fast break, clutching his morphing belly and puking up gatorade on national television? Marv Albert yells "Posey to Jason Williams and... that is gross! Oh- MY! Puke-shocklocka!", and they put his big old peanut head all over the jumbotron so the fans can see the deep red shades in his bloodshit eyes?

-Tex

Monday, April 9, 2007

Kathleen Parker: Still Crazy

In flagrant defiance of the newly proposed blog civility rules, I bring you more easy jokes at the expense of Kathleen Parker. Rising like the ashes of some dumb as hell phoenix, Kathleen shrugged off my previous broadside and got herself a spot at the Washington Post.

Mother of All Blunders
Now, for those of you not in the know, this title is a little military humor. Kathleen is spoofing on the MOAB or Mother of All Bombs. So with a witty title like that, you know it can only get better.

On any given day, one isn't likely to find common cause with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
It's true. The only days to find common cause with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad are Arbor Day and Michael Lewis' birthday.

He's a dangerous, lying, Holocaust- denying, Jew-hating cutthroat thug -- not to put too fine a point on it.
No that's more of a broad point, but I'll let it go. But this Ahmadinejad fellow sounds like quite the rascal. Not a guy you want to get close to...

But he was dead-on when he wondered why a once-great power such as Britain sends mothers of toddlers to fight its battles.
...unless of course he agrees with your position that women don't belong on the front lines.

Not only does the Iranian president get to look magnanimous in releasing the hostages, but he gets to look wise. And we in the West get to look humiliated, foolish and weak.
Yes, but not because England allowed 15 of its troops to get taken hostage and couldn't do a thing about it.

While the West puts mothers in boats with rough men, Muslim men "rescue" women and drape them in floral hijabs.
Not women, not people. Mothers. Way to completely strip Faye Turney of all of her humanity save for her role as a breeder. I'm sure she appreciates it.

It is not fashionable these days to suggest that women don't belong in or near combat -- or that children need their mothers. Yes, they need their fathers, too, but children in their tender years are dependent on their mothers in unique ways.
It's OK if we raise the odds of making this a single parent family by sending the father out to fight in a pointless war in the middle of the desert, but god help you if you take the mother instead. Everyone knows if you let the dad raise a family the daughter ends up a sass talking tomboy (but is really pretty inside). Plus, hilariously, none of the household chores get done.

There's not enough space here to go into all the ways that this is true, but children (and good parents) know the difference even if some adults are too dim, brainwashed or ideologically driven to see what's obvious.
And instead of you and your editor taking advantage of the wonderful platform we call the internet and providing links to this space eating information, instead you just ask us to trust you. Makes sense to me.

Why the West has seen it necessary to diminish motherhood so that women can pretend to be men remains a mystery to sane adults.
Not is it only a complete fallacy that only in the West do women fight (female suicide bombers anyone?), but the notion that women soldiers are "pretending to be men" is some kind of grade school estimation of gender relations. Kathleen Parker, Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader? Damn I'm funny.

Women may be able to push buttons as well as men can, but the door-to-door combat in Fallujah proved the irrelevance of that argument.
Ironically, considering the fact that America is involved in trying to end both a civil war and a guerrilla war, the more stereotypical skills of the womankind (talking it out, making peace) would probably be very useful.

Meanwhile, no one can look at photos of the 15 British marines and sailors and argue convincingly that the British navy is stronger for the presence of Acting Leading Seaman Faye Turney -- no matter how lovely and brave she may be.
You manage to say something really dumb every column, don't you Kathleen? Who gives a shit if she's lovely? If she has less problems killing someone than I do, she gets to be in the military.

But let's assume for the sake of argument that women, despite all evidence to the contrary, are as capable as men in any battle. If our goal is to prevail, shouldn't we also consider other ramifications of putting women in combat and other positions of risk?
Yes! In war and in all walks of life. Perhaps, for their own protection, women should be required to wear some type of restrictive garment that covers their whole body.

Those ramifications include women's unequal vulnerability to rape and injury, as well as cultural attitudes toward women that may enhance their exposure to punishment or, alternatively, make them useful to our enemies.
She loves the rape thing. I wonder though, what makes women more vulnerable to injury. Especially a mother. You figure that once you've given birth to some mutant who's ripped your sex organs in twain, you can stand just about any injury. Except maybe a papercut. No one likes a papercut.

Iran wasted no time dressing up Turney in Muslim garb and parading her before television cameras. More than her fellow male captives, Turney was required to confess repeatedly, to apologize for trespassing in Iranian waters and to write letters of contrition.
Plus, her goody bag contained two items that the male soldiers did not get: tampons and a copy of "The Vagina Monologues". The horror!

Rape, though not a likely risk in this case, is a consistent argument against putting women in or near combat.
Or for that matter, against letting them leave the house.

While advocates for women in combat argue that men are also raped, there is an important difference.
Boys have a penis and girls have a bugina?

Women are raped by men, which, given the inherent power differential between the sexes, raises women's rape to another level of terror.
Hoo boy, not in Japan. In Japan all sorts of things rape women. Tentacles, sex monsters, fire hydrants. It's like some kind of rape obstacle course. (Look, I'm not trying to treat rape lightly here, but my God. What would you do with this material? "Women are raped by men?" Thank you Dr. Einstein, would you please tell me what happens when I put my hand in water now? )

What kind of man, one shudders to wonder, is willing to allow his country's women to be raped and tortured by men of enemy nations?
Well, "allow" is kind of a bad term. I mean, if they "allow" their fellow women to be raped, they aren't good soldiers either. They should probably be court-martialed.

None that I know, but our military is gradually weaning men of their intuitive inclination to protect women --
Who says I want to protect all women? There are plenty I don't like.

which, by extrapolation, means ignoring the screams of women being assaulted.
Since men are robots, ignoring the screaming of women being assaulted causes them to malfunction and explode. BOOM!

At the point when our men can stand by unfazed while American servicewomen are raped and tortured, then we will have no cause to fight any war. We will have already lost.
On 9/11, they hijacked our planes and raped 3000 of our women. That's why we fight.

Positioning women to become pawns of propaganda, meanwhile, is called aiding and abetting the enemy.
Asking half of the population to sit out a so called "clash of civilizations" is not only sexist, but poor military planning.

You know where to reach her.

Fuck You Jimmy Kimmel

You know what the title of this video is on the YouTube? "Kimmel Takes on Gawker Stalker". Eat a dick buddy, with linguine and a nice vodka sauce maybe.

This was covered by Deadspin and The Hater, but I'm just as important as them, right? That cowardly little jumping should only be reserved for Karl Rove types, not ridiculous celebrity website editors. You would think Gawker killed Princess Di the way Emily Gould was treated.

But no, instead we find Gawker's real crime: posting a story about Jimmy Kimmel being drunk. But see, he wasn't. Don't you people have any shame?

If the segment was solely about GawkerStalker and it's potential dangers I wouldn't care. But how could Jimmy Kimmel, host of the roast of Pamela Anderson possibly complain about cheap jokes?

No, Jimmy Kimmel was just being a bully and letting off steam from a post over six months old where one person somewhere said he was drunk. Mr. Host of the Man Show is a picture of sobriety.

When Jimmy Kimmel shows up in hell, I'm gonna slap him in the mouth. I hope someone texts about it.

Sunday, April 8, 2007

How I Plan to Pay for Grad School

By faking my way into a Zoloft prescription and suing Pfizer for blurring my distinction between right and wrong as I committed murder.

Just a little reminder that the world has been mad for quite some time.

-Tex

Checking In With The Post

It is obvious to any New Yorker that on any given day, you can pick up the New York Post and find something absolutely insane written in it. First up, Andrea Peyser, who blows the lid off the 9/11 conpiracy Anna Nicole Smith's death.

Her Death a Mishap? My Butt!
Andrea Peyser is mad as heck and she's not gonna take it anymore!

IT'S as plain as the fierce infection raging through Anna Nicole Smith's voluptuous backside on the day she died. Her death was no pure "accident."
First, I thank you for bringing up Anna Nicole Smith's looks a mere 13 words into your column. I had no idea her backside was "voluptuous". I've never seen it on the internet.

Only in Florida can a healthy, young woman
Are you serious? She was healthy like I'm black.

drop dead in a hotel room with a nasty bug raging through her bottom from a dirty hypodermic syringe - felled by enough prescription drugs to take down a small continent - and all the state's brain trust sees fit to declare is a single word:

"Oops!"

Ummmmm, I don't know about you, but I can absolutely see Anna Nicole Smith being irresponsible with her drugs. If John Belushi, Chris Farley, Jim Morrison, River Phoenix and Richard Nixon all OD'd and died, why is it impossible for Anna Nicole to?

The Florida authorities - an oxymoron of a phrase if I ever heard one -

I think it's time we stopped denigrating the fine people of Florida. Yes they had that election thing, but there are so many worse places in the South. Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, shit just pick any of them really.

yesterday slammed the book shut on the brief life and sudden death of beauteous Anna Nicole.

The looks thing again. I'm starting to think Andrea Peyser is a hack.

For starters: Anna Nicole was taking a pharmacy's-worth of prescription drugs, methadone and Valium among them. At least one drug, the sedative chloral hydrate - blamed for killing Marilyn Monroe - is known to be potentially fatal when combined with other drugs.

But while Dr. Perper was quick to say none of these drugs were "illegal," he neglected to nod at the elephant haunting Anna's bedroom. Namely, how did Anna Nicole get her doctor - or multiple doctors - to feed her so many drugs at the same time?

Is this woman retarded? Hmmm...how did this rich and famous celebrity get her hands on an arsenal of drugs?

The answer could be contained in the wacky court fight, held right here in Florida. Ex-beau Larry Birkhead testified that many doctors supplied the Playmate with a boatload of drugs, then dispensed to her by her devious companion, Howard K. Stern. In court, Stern tried to refuse to say what kinds of drugs she was taking. Why, Howard?

What makes the guy devious exactly? I obviously missed something during Anna Nicole's life. For awhile, I thought they were talking about the radio host Howard Stern being the father of her baby and all that shit.

As sure as I know that every one of us will end up in the same place as fair Anna,

Did she just say we're all going to hell?

I know this case stinks. And nobody wants to know why.

Meh see, Andrea Peyser is gonna ask the tough questions see. And if you gumshoes can't figure it out, she'll take the law into her own hands.

Thanks to Fire Joe Morgan for the link to Peyser.

Friday, April 6, 2007

My Incredibly Late AL West Preview

In keeping with my yearlong theme of doing everything late (my Christmas tree finally made it to the attic yesterday), I bring you my AL West preview. A lot of content here so let's not waste any time and jump right into it.

4th Place - Seattle Mariners

3rd Place - Texas Rangers


2nd Place - Oakland As


1st Place - Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

Thursday, April 5, 2007

Meche Madness

For the record, his name was one of the first bulletpointed rumbling and grumblings in Jayson Stark's column today:

"One scout's review of Curt Schilling's stunning Opening Day clunker: "He didn't have one above-average pitch, except for his splitter. And he was behind in the count too much to make it effective." But the same scout says he saw no reason Schilling won't rebound. "I didn't see any flaws in his delivery, and I didn't see any arm restrictions," the scout said. "So I think he'll figure it out."


• The same scout on the reason for Gil Meche's Opening Day success: 'That's the best command he's ever had when I've seen him. And he was able to repeat his delivery better than I've ever seen him.'"

So perhaps the Mechemeister has discovered some control and he worked hard through a regimented system and new improved diet over the offseason and now he's out for blood. Or maybe he was tired of sucking. He might have even wanted to fulfill an $11 million dollar paycheck for at least one year of a contract that made him rich enough to buy downtown Kansas City.

The explanation that I like best is that one Gil Meche was gleaming and checking out the newspapers after landing an enormungo sized ace in his hole and discovered what a "gil meche experience" is when he googled it.

Then he got pissed.

Now he's Cy Young.

-Tex

A Good Day to Be an Asshole

First the Spitting, now this. Found via Feministing, comes the sound logic and coherent arguments of one Kathleen Parker, who's never met a rapist that wasn't tempted into it. Let's take this slow.

The Fog of Rape
Is nothing like the "fog of war" effect in Warcraft 2. For starters, there's a lot more screaming. Second, you can't type on screen or showpath to get rid of it.

There are enough rape and sexual assault stories coming out of Iraq these days to keep Americans variously outraged and confused...
See that right there? I just threw you a bone. After that, it's welcome to Crazytown. She begins talking about stories about military rape in the Times and Salon.com.

Both stories, however, contain enough errors to raise questions about whether the rape-assault rate is as high as suggested. The Salon story reports, for example, that one woman was "coerced into sex" by a commanding officer, which the Salon writer asserts is "legally defined as rape by the military."


This is simply not true. According to the Manual for Courts-Martial, rape is defined as "an act of sexual intercourse by force and without consent." The same woman also was prominently featured in the Times story, where she said she was "manipulated into sex."



Not quite rape, in other words.
Hey, you know what we need? We need some kind of scale or index to show us the difference between "not quite rape" and "woah, that's rape". Of course, I still think that situation would have merited rape, since according to the soldier, Suzanne Swift, her commanding officer in Iraq demanded sex from her every night for four months. And then when she stopped, he made her do marches by herself with full gear on. And humiliated her in front of the rest of the troops. But I understand why this is not quite rape. She could have stopped all of it by going back to having sex with her commanding officer.

No serious person doubts that sexual harassment and even rape occur in a war zone. But the degree to which sex is consensual or forced -- often a question of he-said-she-said -- is further complicated by military hierarchy and the extenuating circumstances (and passions) of war.
Kathleen Parker: not a serious person.

Doubtless many women have suffered what they report. Doubtless, too, some women exaggerate sexual-assault stories.
Doubtless, some people prefer Jose Reyes. Doubtless some prefer Derek Jeter. I hate when people say shit like that about rape cases. What if a prosecutor based all their murder indictments on the theory that "some people who are charged with murder didn't really do it"? Prosecutors are there to think everything is a crime.


But the $287 million-a-day question that sits like a Brontosaurus in a Baghdad mess tent is:
How about: "The $100,000 a week question that sits like a Tyrannosaurus in a Tikrit tub"? Or maybe, "The million-an-hour question that sits like a Nqwebasaurus in a Nasiriyah nook"? God what an awful metaphor. Wait, what were we talking about?

Now what?
Oh right, that. I have an incredible idea. Men in the Army can stop raping women in the Army. I know, I'm crazy, I'm nuts.

How much is enough to thwart the nature of the beast?

This is not to say that men at war are expected to behave badly, but there are possible explanations for some of these questionable liaisons that bear closer scrutiny.
It's not to say you're an idiot Kathleen Parker, but there are possible explanations as to why all you've been doing is making idiotic arguments. Let's scrutinize you closer.

But more overt sexual aggression may be the product of something few will acknowledge, at least on the record: resentment.
Hmmmm, nope, still an idiot.

Off the record, in dozens of interviews over a period of years, male soldiers and officers have confided that many men resent women because they've been forced to pretend that women are equals, and men know they're not.
Wowie zowie is that offensive. Men rape women because they know they're not equal. Those uppity broads and their demand to serve the country they love. Why can't they be happy being nurses or secretaries? Well if that's how they want, we're gonna rape the shit out of them til they understand our dominance.

Targeting women isn't excusable, obviously. It's also not the women's fault that they've been put in this untenable situation -- exposed both to combat and to the repressed fury of sexually charged young men.
Fun fact: women are never sexually charged. I also like that she does excuse the targeting of women by pitying the poor sexually repressed men.

The fault lies with the Pentagon and others who have capitulated to feminist pressures to insert women into combat. Although women are prohibited from direct ground combat and are assigned primarily to support roles, the lack of clear boundaries in Iraq has eliminated the distinction.
Did you know feminists were pro rape? Little known fact. Also, I had figured that the only clear boundaries you need are don't rape the woman in you unit. God, this is killing me. I hope you people are happy.


Wishful thinking and bureaucratic expansion won't likely solve the problem of sexual conflict in the war zone, but a more-rational military structure that keeps women and men apart would help. As a bonus, segregation also would reduce the plague of divorces caused by men and women fraternizing away from spouses.
Yes, instead of sending the message that rape is wrong and will not be tolerated, the Army should admit it has no power to discipline its own troops. Furthermore, to fix this problem, they will undertake the giant project of making sure men and women in the Army don't mix together. OK, almost done. Deep breaths.


Finally, our commanders and fighting men could focus on the business of war
I would imagine part of the business of war involved making sure your unit is disciplines. That's just me though. Also, love the reference to our fighting men. No women. Men.

rather than tending to gender skirmishes that distract commanders and steal time, resources and energy from the military's purpose.
Gender skirmishes. Just a lover's quarrel really, there's nothing to see here. And we've finally reached the end. Ah, what the hell, how about a kicker?

Kathleen Parker can be reached at kparker@kparker.com.
I can be reached on top of an ice cream castle with candy canes for windows.

Arsenal: As American as Mom, Apple Pie, and Greed...

American billionaires seem to be enamored with purchasing teams in the Premiership these days; Malcom Glazer bought Man U back in 2005, Randy Lerner bought Aston Villa in 2006, and George Gillett and Tom Hicks bought Liverpool in February. Following this trend, and ending weeks of speculation, Stan Kroenke, owner of the Colorado Avalanche, Denver Nuggets, and Colorado Rapids of the MLS, as well as part owner of the St. Louis Rams, today purchased of 10% of Arsenal Football Club and 50% of Arsenal Broadband Ltd. for a grand total of £65 million.

Now, Arsenal's ownership structure differs from most teams worldwide in that they are not singularly (or group) owned, but rather the club is "owned" by a parent company, Arsenal Holdings plc, and has "shareholders" rather than an owner. Take it away, Wikipedia...

Arsenal's parent company, Arsenal Holdings plc, operates as a non-quoted public limited company. Arsenal's ownership is considerably different from that of other football clubs. Only 62,217 shares in Arsenal have been issued, and they are not traded on a public exchange such as the FTSE or AIM; instead, they are traded infrequently on PLUS, a specialist market.

The point is, Kroenke may now be a shareholder in the club, but seeing as the major shareholders in the club have stated that they have no interest in selling, he's a far cry from being a new Roman Abromovich. Thus, at least in theory, little should change for the Gunners...which, given the way this season has gone, isn't necessarily a good thing.