Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Ush interviews an imaginary Kobe Bryant

Ush- Thanks for agreeing to this interview, Kobe.

Kobe- No Problem.

U- So Kobe, the league suspended you one game for hitting Manu in the face at the end of the Lakers-Spurs game. Were you surprised?

K- Absolutely. I was stunned.

U- It must have brought back a lot of memories from Colorado.

K- Um….I don’t know what you mean.

U- Well, you probably haven’t had to hit anyone that hard since you raped the girl from Colorado, right?

K- I didn’t rape anyone.

U- Of course you didn’t, Kobe. Now, let me change the topic slightly. How does it feel carrying out the works of Satan?

K- (Stares at Ush blankly)

U- (Holding out a cross and some garlic) THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!

K- Man, I’m leaving.

U- (Stabs Kobe in the head with an ice pick).

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

I'm Goin to the Superbowl

All you suckas that entered the Sarah Spain contest are in for a healthy dose of disappointment. Behold the letter that will put me in the company of Chi-town's finest.

Dear Sarah Spain,

Hey, you’ve got the last name of the country my family once got run out of. And they say anti-Semitism doesn’t bring anyone together but Nazis and orphans.

But that’s not what this is about. I think I wanna talk about this jacket. This jacket I just got. It’s insane, this jacket. See, a couple nights ago I went out to dinner with my cousin and her fiancĂ© and dude just gives me this Triple 5 Soul coat that he says don’t fit him anymore. This jacket is pimp.

Of course, in Miami I’d have no reason to bring my jacket, which is kind of a shame. I want it to be cold everywhere I go now just so I can wear my new jacket. If this all was going down in Detroit, like last year, maybe I’d have reason to bring my jacket. But I don’t know why a lovely lady like yourself would have to go all the way to Detroit just to get high.

I’m a simple man Sara. All I want in life is to get stoned and quit getting bad haircuts. Seriously, like, every time I go out and try to get a trim, I somehow end up with a mullet. It’s fucking infuriating. But on the other hand, I’m high right now as I type this. Can you tell?

My picture includes me without a mullet, obviously out doing something fun. I mean, I’m screaming, and that’s always a good sign unless you’re running from terrorists. Or ghosts. Or the ghost of a most notorious terrorist. Yipes! Also, note the pretty girl in the picture with me. As you can see, I know how to hang out with pretty girls. This means you can trust me to not lunge at your breasts within five minutes of meeting you.



I also have experience with Axe personal cleanliness products. As a freshman in college I once bought a can of Axe. Christ did that shit stink. I think I sprayed it on my body a total of five times at most. The rest of the can went towards covering up weed smells when we smoked in the dorms.

I think all these attributes and more make me the perfect candidate to come meet you and your friends and smoke a super bowl with you three. Sure it’s an expensive trip all the way to Florida, but I got money to burn.

Sincerely,

Dave “Pulpman” Colon