Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Kobe- No Problem.
U- So Kobe, the league suspended you one game for hitting Manu in the face at the end of the Lakers-Spurs game. Were you surprised?
K- Absolutely. I was stunned.
U- It must have brought back a lot of memories from Colorado.
K- Um….I don’t know what you mean.
U- Well, you probably haven’t had to hit anyone that hard since you raped the girl from Colorado, right?
K- I didn’t rape anyone.
U- Of course you didn’t, Kobe. Now, let me change the topic slightly. How does it feel carrying out the works of Satan?
K- (Stares at Ush blankly)
U- (Holding out a cross and some garlic) THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!
K- Man, I’m leaving.
U- (Stabs Kobe in the head with an ice pick).
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Dear Sarah Spain,
Hey, you’ve got the last name of the country my family once got run out of. And they say anti-Semitism doesn’t bring anyone together but Nazis and orphans.
But that’s not what this is about. I think I wanna talk about this jacket. This jacket I just got. It’s insane, this jacket. See, a couple nights ago I went out to dinner with my cousin and her fiancé and dude just gives me this Triple 5 Soul coat that he says don’t fit him anymore. This jacket is pimp.
Of course, in
I’m a simple man Sara. All I want in life is to get stoned and quit getting bad haircuts. Seriously, like, every time I go out and try to get a trim, I somehow end up with a mullet. It’s fucking infuriating. But on the other hand, I’m high right now as I type this. Can you tell?
My picture includes me without a mullet, obviously out doing something fun. I mean, I’m screaming, and that’s always a good sign unless you’re running from terrorists. Or ghosts. Or the ghost of a most notorious terrorist. Yipes! Also, note the pretty girl in the picture with me. As you can see, I know how to hang out with pretty girls. This means you can trust me to not lunge at your breasts within five minutes of meeting you.
I also have experience with Axe personal cleanliness products. As a freshman in college I once bought a can of Axe. Christ did that shit stink. I think I sprayed it on my body a total of five times at most. The rest of the can went towards covering up weed smells when we smoked in the dorms.
I think all these attributes and more make me the perfect candidate to come meet you and your friends and smoke a super bowl with you three. Sure it’s an expensive trip all the way to