Thursday, December 20, 2007

Fun With CNN

A wise man once said, "I've said it before and I'll say it again: democracy just doesn't work." This is consistently proven true with the use of CNN.com's "Most viewed stories" sidebar. A quick glance at it every couple of months or so confirms that while our corporate news overlords are all too happy to spoon feed up crap, we are just as happy to eat it. So crack open a beer with me and take a journey to the dark heart of our democracy.

#1: Latest Holloway evidence. To be honest, I didn't read this one. The Natalee Holloway case probably makes you dumber if you think about it too much. It's not as if this murder or disappearance or alien abduction has any fun noir-ish elements. She wasn't a princess or an international jewel thief, she was just some fucking kid on vacation. This kind of shit happens. At this point, the only people who should give a fuck about Natalee Holloway are her parents and the sexual predator who no doubt is running out of ways to torture her. Instead there's a whole fucking Facebook group devoted to this chick, whose members seem to feel her case doesn't get enough exposure. Scary.

#3: Spears' pregnancy legal issues. Oh you Spearses, what wacky hijinx will you get into next? Aside from being a helpful update on the statutory rape laws of both Louisiana and California, there's nothing in this story that makes me hopeful Spears' boyfriend will receive the Genarlow Wilson treatment.

BONUS BONUS BONUS: In order to maximize their coverage of this important time in American history, CNN asked You, Time's Person of the Year, to tell them what You think about young Jamie impersonating Juno. The responses were typically moronic, a lot of hand wringing in the "think of the children" vein. Makes me think of what terrible things I'll tell my children someday. Anyway, response of the year has to go to Jackie Borget. To answer the question "How do you talk to kids about Britney's sister?", Jacki responds, "Luckily I don't have kids the age to know who Spears is." Wow Jackie, just wow. Maybe you should have just emailed in a random string of letters, numbers and symbols, because that would be just as smart as answering a question of "How do you tell kids?" with "I don't need to."

#5: Commentary: You can't take Christ out of Christmas. If you're a snarky internet nerd with a blog, this story is like striking gold and oil while Giselle gives you an ultra handjob. May your cold, uncaring and faceless God bless you Roland S. Martin. Let's do it to it!

This whole push to remove Christ from the Christmas season has gotten so ridiculous that it's pathetic.

That your opening line? You get paid by CNN to open with that? I've seen fifth graders who open book reports with more impressive sentences.

Because of all the politically correct idiots, we are being encouraged to stop saying "Merry Christmas" for the more palatable "Happy Holidays." What the heck are "Seasons Greetings"? Can someone tell me what season we are greeting folks about? A Christmas tree? Oh, no! It's now a holiday tree. Any Christmas song that even remotely mentions Christ or has a religious undertone is being axed for being overtly religious.

Oh my. Those politically correct clowns are at it again! Has anyone ever produced solid proof that there are movements to make stories say "Happy Holidays"? The only time I hear about lawsuits against Christmas is when people sue to get manger scenes taken off of public property. And why shouldn't they? You want to say Jesus had a divine birth, go say it in a fucking church. That's what it's there for.

And I'm sorry, forget X-M-A-S. Malcolm X? Yes. X replacing Christ? No.

Quote. Of. The Decade. Just stare at that sentence and tell me what it means. Please oh please tell me. Because I can read that over for the rest of my life and not understand where Malcom X came into the conversation. I'm starting to think Roland S. Martin is just a hallucination, like the time I thought Oral Roberts was telling me to steal my roommate's drugs. Turned out it was Pat Buchanan.

But this seeming backlash against Christianity is bordering on the absurd, and we should continue to remember that Jesus is the reason for the season.

Who the fuck is the "Jesus" you speak of? Are you talking about the pederast from the cult hit The Big Lebowski? Do Christians worship a guy who wears a purple jumpsuit and will shove that gun up your ass and pull the trigger until it goes click?

We have families all over the nation killing themselves to buy a tree they can't afford, running up their credit to buy toys and other gifts, all in an effort to make someone else happy.

How dare these people make an effort to make someone else happy!

Its time that we return to traditional values, and end this ridiculous charade. It's important that we take a fuller account of WHY we celebrate Christmas-

The Lexus December to Remember event and the Maxim holiday gift guide?

Parents, don't be so consumed with the notion that your children will have a terrible Christmas because the tree isn't overflowing with gifts. The true love that you show them is more important than anything else.

Untrue. Parents, a mother's love has been proven by science to be deadlier than the dreaded Hunta virus or a bite from Klaus Meine, lead singer of 80s super group the Scorpions. You're much safer just buying your kid an XBox and lapsing back in alcoholism. They'll thank you later.

America might be the king of capitalism, but secularism must never become so prevalent that our religious traditions are discarded.

A translation of this phrase would go as such: "Sure I just spent an inordinate amount of time railing against capitalism, but everyone knows Jesus loves American-style capitalism. So as not to piss off Jesus, I'll just dump everything on the atheists and the scientists. Laterz!"

#6: Charges in Mortal Kombat Killing. If I were a teacher (and you better hope I never become one), I would hold up this piece as a hallmark of lazy journalism. Instead of "Two Brain Dead Drunk Teens Beat Kid to Death", the AP brightly just repeats the charge of the local prosecutor that the suspects imitated Mortal Kombat. At the very least, I wanna know if they impersonated Johnny Cage or Jax or what. Thanks AP, way to dig.

And there you have it. You, the voting public have made these the most popular stories on CNN.com. Meanwhile, racist lunatic Tom Tancredo drops out of the presidential race and only lands on #8 on the list. Poor bastard. I bet a Mexican is gonna win the election, just to rub salt in the wounds.

1 comment:

Annie said...

So Romney's demonstration of working tear ducts didn't make it? Guess he needs to go on a calculated campaign of warmth and fuzziness like his cold fish Democratic twin Hillary.

Seriously, Romney cries and not a word from you?