The world was deprived of a great deal of drama Friday when it was revealed Leeland Eisenberg did not in fact have a bomb but was wearing a vest made out of Armour hot dogs. Thanks a million you fucking loser. Now instead of a smoldering hole where a campaign office used to be, we're stuck hearing the various excuses for why this happened.
Oh, he was mentally unstable. Or perhaps it's because the priests were too busy fondling him. He'd been drinking for days. He was getting a divorce.
Don't care. This isn't the case of someone with a legitimate beef deciding to go apeshit and maybe get a free plane ride to Algeria out of it. It's some drunk, desperate loser who just doesn't know what to do with himself figuring that maybe international media attention will solve all his problems. Please. I don't know what to do with myself either, but you don't see me walking around the corner into the Papa John's with a plastic AK in my hands, do you?
Even better, this schmuck didn't even bring a real weapon with him. Road flares, ooooh, scary scary. Better steer clear of this guy, he just might...brightly alert you to his location to death. If you're taking hostages, especially in a libertarian playground like New Hampshire, go to your local Wal Mart and pick up a rifle. Give us something interesting to titter on about, the whole world is watching.
Getting back to the whys of this whole event, I must again express my severe disappointment that this was not in any way politically motivated. When I started following the coverage on good old Fox News, they originally reported that the suspect was active in kooky political circles and seemed to believe that Hillary Clinton had put a microchip in his head. Of course they got the name completely wrong and spent the next hour or so slandering an innocent man, but that's a small price to pay for my entertainment. Where was I? Ah yes, the reasons.
We're all going to be hearing a huge amount of "divided America" talk in the coming months, what with the election and all. And let's not forget the (allegedly) vicious back and forth between the left and right wings of the blogosphere. When you hear this, do not believe it. Considering we have two wars, a gazillion people about to lose their houses, an economy that continues to screw over the blue collar and immigration tensions, America has a huge lack of politically motivated violence. It's not that we're civilized though. Any country that appears to enjoy Glenn Beck, Bill O'Reilly and Randi Rhodes is not civilized, just sniveling. We have it easy of course, so instead of taking to the streets we let talk show hosts rile each other up in what is in the end just a sad pointless exercise.
This Eisenberg situation could have been the glorious end to all of that. He could have woken up psychopaths all over the country who had similar beefs with the likes of Bill Richardson and Mike Huckabee. The next thing you know, Duncan Hunter is tragically maimed in a roadside bomb incident and Joe Biden is begging some nut to put the knife down and talk. Why should these assholes be any safer from grudges than you or I?
We could have had another Ronald Ward. Instead, Leeland Eisenberg gives himself up without a struggle, without one road flare set off in anger and we're stuck with news stories about his bail and "new security worries" which I'm sure don't take into account, oh, let's just say a dangerous nut with really convincing lightsaber replica. It makes the sounds and everything!