Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Playoff Preview From Beyond the Stars

A hoy hoy baseball fans! If the calendar month is 10 and the weather starts getting chilly, you know it's the most exciting time of the year. The MLB Playoffs, brought to you I and yours by Dane Cook, Master Thespian. Maybe some of you haven't been paying attention for some time and don't know who's in or who'll win. Never fear, this is what The Gil Meche Experience is here for!

AMERICAN LEAGUE

Boston Red Sox
Record: 96-66 (1st Place AL East)

AVG/OBP/SLG: .279/.362/.444

ERA: 3.87 (1st in AL)

Notable Players: Ginger-kid Bobby Kielty, known hit and run artist Tim Wakefield, half-man/half basset hound Mike Lowell.

Advantages: Theo Epstein's discovery of an ancient curse that brings the Green Monster to life will ensure no opposing left fielder will go near it for fear of their lives. Two Jews (Jacoby Ellsbury and Kevin Youkillis) ensure that there will be positive media coverage. You know, because Jews run the media.

Disadvantages: Manny Ramirez has taken to bong rips between innings, which is much more harmful than his "one pre-game joint" policy he had in other years. Jews are bad at sports. The spider eggs on Julian Tavarez's face are about ready to hatch.

Team Trivia: Fenway Park is the only baseball stadium where an extrajudicial lynching has taken place.

Why They Should Win: Yankee fans will have to draw another championship ring on those retarded "Got Rings" shirts.

Why They Shouldn't Win: Terrible hot dogs. Absolutely atrocious. They don't even use buns, they put it in between a slice of Wonder Bread.

Cleveland Indians
Record: 96-66 (1st in AL Central)

AVG/OBP/SLG: .268/.343/.428

ERA: 4.05 (3rd in AL)

Notable Players: Abortion survivor Travis Hafner, Crook'd Hat Club Treasurer C.C. Sabathia, race baiting asshole Joe Borowski, obvious computer generated player Asdrubal Cabrera (that's really his name).

Advantages: Due to the odd spelling of his name, Jhonny Peralta is allowed one "special move" per game. Paul Byrd has laser eyes. Impish Kenny Lofton still has his bag of tricks.

Disadvantages: Residual guilt over their name causes all batted balls to have an extra 2 feet per second drag on them. Joe Borowski seriously effed up his neck turning around to watch balls fly out of the park this year (and hurt his throat screaming racial slurs). The city of Cleveland may not be ready to love again.

Trivia: Grady Sizemore's movie star good looks and questionable racial background has actually ended all racism in America.

Why They Should Win: It's the only way to put Frank Zappa's vengeful spirit to rest.

Why They Shouldn't Win: Seriously, Joe Borowski?

Los Angeles Angels of the People's Republic of Anaheim
Record: 94-68 (1st in AL West)

AVG/OBP/SLG: .284/.345/.417

ERA: 4.23 (5th in the AL)

Notable Players: Clean living advocate Gary Mathews Jr, heroin enthusiast Jered Weaver, Mon Calamari Erick Aybar.

Advantages: Obscure rule allows Godly named teams to use bats as big as tree trunks. Visitors clubhouse is often flooded with deadly scorpions. In tough spot, Bartolo Colon can just eat the opposing pitcher.

Disadvantages: Satan actively works against them. Attempts to actually graft wings onto their players cost them the lives of John Lackey and Howie Kendrick.

Trivia: The Rally Monkey is a prime suspect in the slaying of 15 LA area prostitutes.

Why They Should Win: If they don't, God may start the Rapture.

Why They Shouldn't Win: It would just reward another asshole sucking up to Los Angeles.

New York Yankees
Record: 94-68 (AL Wild Card)

AVG/OBP/SLG: .290/.366/.463

ERA: 4.50 (7th in AL)

Notable Players: Acne victim Tyler Clippard, Holocaust survivor Wilson Betemit, circus acrobat Jose Molina.

Advantages: Non-aggression pact with Mecha-Hitler allows Derek Jeter access to secret Nazi technology. Jorge Posada's wife vows to walk through clubhouse nude after every game they win. Johnny Damon and Joba Chamberlain know a bunch of spooky Indian shit.

Disadvantages: Roger Clemens' gigantic ass slows down the team plane, forcing the team to always arrive late. Kei Igawa may accidentally pitch. The Simon Wiesenthal Center is on to Jeter.

Trivia: Bobby Abreu is more machine than man.

Why They Should Win: They shouldn't.

Why They Shouldn't Win: Even a Yankee World Series appearance could lead to free exposure for living ghoul Rudy Giuliani. A Yankee World Series win could portend the darkness of a Giuliani presidency.

NATIONAL LEAGUE

Philadelphia Phillies
Record: 89-73 (1st in NL East)

AVG/OBP/SLG: .274/.354/.458

ERA: 4.76 (13th in NL)

Notable Players: Domestic violence advocate Brett Myers, DailyKos diarist JC Romero, drug snitch Greg Dobbs.

Advantages: Aaron Rowand has been granted permission to play from atop a bulldozer. Wes Helms has been stocking up on turtle penis. Use of unnecessary violence in the apprehension of the Blues Brothers has been approved.

Disadvantages: Poor cell phone reception at Citizen's Bank Ballpark. Michael Bourn is not in fact Jason Bourne but black. The white zone is for loading and unloading only.

Trivia: Only 16 of Ryan Howard's home runs have left the field of play. The rest are suspended in the air above the field.

Why They Should Win: Because if they don't, Brett Myers may take it out on his wife.

Why They Shouldn't Win: It would only serve to further their White Nationalist agenda.

Chicago Cubs
Record: 85-77 (1st in NL Central)

AVG/OBP/SLG: .271/.333/.422

ERA: 4.04 (2nd in NL)

Notable Players: Undeserving millionaire Jason Marquis, Gramercy recording artist Ryan Dempster, arch-villain Michael Fontenot.

Advantages: Mind control ray. Ted Lilly is a fantastic dancer. Late addition of Barret Wallace to the bullpen.

Disadvantages: Lou Piniella ate the scouting report. No offensive line to speak of. Wallace only knows his Level 1 limit break.

Trivia: Wrigley Field is one of three major league ballparks to double as a missile silo.

Why They Should Win: Incessant whining about curse will end.

Why They Shouldn't Win: Incessant whining about curse is pretty funny.

Arizona Diamondbacks
Record: 90-72 (1st in NL West)

AVG/OBP/SLG: .250/.321/.413

ERA: 4.13 (4th in NL)

Notable Players: Emmy winner Connor Jackson, Batman stalker Stephen Drew, unknown unknown Jose Valverde.

Advantages: Brandon Webb has built up a ton of indie cred. Fans in the outfield seats receive Glock 9mm handguns and license to kill. Orlando Hudson is on possession of the Holy Grail.

Disadvantages: Due to the incredible difference between their Pythagorean record expectancy and their actual record, a strike team of sabermetricians, including Bill James, Rob Neyer and Paul "Arms DePo" DePodesta are planning to shoot down the Diamondbacks' team plane. Tony Clark secretly working for the Cubs.

Trivia: Manager Bob Melvin secretes a deadly poison when cornered.

Why They Should Win: It's been far too long for the heartbroken fans of Arizona.

Why They Shouldn't Win: Would make a complete mockery of traditional baseball strategy.

Colorado Rockies
Record: 90-73 (NL Wild Card)

AVG/OBP/SLG: .280/.354/.437

ERA: 4.32 (8th in NL)

Notable Players: Scientology devotee Brian Fuentes, hardboiled detective Kazuo Matsui, Takashi Miike enthusiast Jamey Carroll.

Advantages: Team is allowed to self-pitch. Players motived by the offer of one victory ham each after every win. Garrett Atkins can set an opponent on fire just by thinking about it.

Disadvantages: Ancient gypsy curse placed on Jeff Francis. Baseball still technically illegal in Denver. Matt Holliday still haunted over the destruction of Alderaan.

Trivia: Todd Helton's beard is actually a living mask of bees.

Why They Should Win: Jorge Julio with a World Series ring=priceless.

Why They Shouldn't Win: Copycat teams will start building their new stadiums on the tops of mountains.

There you have it folks, everything you need to know about the playoffs and more. In fact, if you go anywhere else for playoff news, you're a goddamn idiot.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Jacoby Ellsbury isn't Jewish.