Sunday, July 15, 2007

Poor Widdle John McCain

Poor Widdle John McCain.

Wretch. The original link from the politics section state "Battered and Broke, McCain Fights On." I'm not sure if CNN is still living the in the glory days of activist journalism and they think that Iraq actually is Vietnam, but that sounds more like a description of a soldier than a politician. Theoretically he has been both by trade and metaphorically he is battling. Only the problem is...

News isn't meant to be metaphorical!

John McCain has wanted to be the next sweet piece of ass in politics since his life began and he came damn close in 2000 when this country had the election of the wannabes. George Bush wanted to win the election. He had to steal it. Al Gore wanted to be liked. Even the Democrats looked elsewhere for votes in Nader. Nader wanted to make a viable future for a party. He didn't. Bill Bradley wanted to make a splash. He didn't. And John Freakin McCain wanted to have broad enough conservative appeal to win a Republican Primary and (WHADDAYAKNOW!?) he didn't. The man fit in perfectly almost a decade ago.

This time around he has to face plenty of non speak and double speak savvy and has to deal with the same problems he did before. We may not have known everything, but this guy couldn't even beat George Bush in a primary. Now, another eight years older and eight years more sore assed for sitting on the damn bench and fence about every hot button in America, blowing political hot methane air into the nostrils of press row and up the skirts of Senate interns, is supposed to make John McCain the comeback kid that vows to fight on for his majority of the delegates?

Self delusion is one of the world's favorite drugs, and the Arizona Senate chamber is bumping with it. Try to be empathetic for a moment. You have a death grip of power, inhaling cocaine off a stripper in your third term as incumbent and then you wind up stuck near your constituency with your boring wife and Paradise Valley golf club meetings, your colostomy bag carried by a hot young assistant , for whom you can not even become erect anymore. Welcome to hell!

Just kidding. John McCain's scandal didn't involve sex or drugs. HE's too sophisticated-like, all respecable, with his "Savings and Loans" and whatnot. The guy's been known as crooked since Reagan's second term and the newscasters jerk off to him like he's the next best thing everyday for five minutes (dependent upon coffee breaks in the particular station).

It's a disease pushed by more than he himself, as every moderate statist and middle of the road wannabe moron gets press for pissing off both parties with a terrible compromise that leaves no one happy. Great job, centrists. Way to bring people together. It's no wonder that there's no real party for you, getting gunned down in primaries by your own kind.

But nooooooooooo, not the all powerful John McCaaaaain. He's so strong and brave and moderate and unoffensive and a role model for our thriving nation which defends freedom and September eleventh September eleventh.

My only consolation is that this time he will be reduced to a shell, given the Gephardt treatment in a way that might make him finally say "Uncle. " By the time that snarky and vicious sunufabitch Rudy Giuliani starts attacking him and the role player like Mike Hucakbee and Fred Thompson, the ship will sink like the body of Arturo Gatti did earlier tonight in what he has said will be the last fight of his career. The difference is, of course, Gatti is an exciting hero and champion while McCain is an... an asshole?

Good riddance to the current representation of Arizona. May it rot in its own rhetoric on the campaign trail, disintegrating into an uninteresting mess of former power brokers armed with ctiny and compact legislative proposals that will go to waste under the gavel of a new generation of dweebs and dirt bags. Take solace in the fact that there will be no John McCain.


1 comment:

Epidimos said...

oh man, I don't know what's better: the colonoscopy paragraph or the big hairy asshead label.

I am happy I do not get worked up over politics anymore. Wait, that's a lie. I never did get worked up, and I always will get worked up.