Monday, May 7, 2007

Dr. Roxo Not Available for Comment

So it seems as if the energy drink Cocaine can generate some publicity for it's scumbag distributors. Most of the story is the same old corporate double speak though I admit, "We think it is most likely legal in the United States to ship our product" should be a phrase that I see more in the news.

But then CNN went and decided to consult the internet to see what the kids thought about it. And they couldn't print a god damn word of it.
"Fans responded to the announcement that Redux would stop marketing Cocaine by leaving dozens of messages, many of them profanity-laced, on a page created for the product on the social networking site"
Now this is something I had to see. And I'm happy report that the MySpace page is even dumber than you thought it was. Someday, the decadent superpower that is America will fall. And damn it, all I want is for historians to find is this. Because this is actually where it all starts to fall apart. Paris Hilton, you ain't got nothing on the shitstorm of assholery that is the Cocaine MySpace page. Let's take a horrible tour through the internet, shall we?

First up, let's meet the probably not accurately named "captain"

I'm sorry for your loss captain. I mean, I know that's only what they say at funerals (and sometimes at pet funerals), but I guess I'll say it since your favorite energy drink is changing it's name. What else do your friends have to say?

Oooh! A self-promoter! Who uh, can't spell taboo. Seriously, it's not that hard. However, I am shocked to learn that cocaine was just recently added to the list of things I can't use. Here I was not blowing lines, completely unaware that cocaine was in fact legal until now. C'est la vie. Also, it's pretty easy to dismiss this as a "controversial brand name" when you don't live in the ghetto. Where they sell this. Where real cocaine is sold on the streets.

A double dose of uhh...hate, from HATEBOMB. You know he's serious for three reasons: He has a badass Confederate flag icon, he posted a picture on the internet of some guys burning a flag and he uses all caps. Honestly, NewsCoprp paid how much for MySpace? Jenna Jameson's box is a better hole to throw all that money down.

Nothing going on here officer, just your run of the mill idiocy. Do these people have high school diplomas? Can they breathe without a ventilator? Are these young voters? (No, not sure, thank god no)

Fuck the rainforest, save Cocaine.

What's that? The ugliest girl on the internet drinks Cocaine? Then surely I will do it! (Yes, I will shame a 16 year old on the internet) Is there anyone who can bring some sanity to these proceedings?

Thank you B Taylor. You may drink Cocaine, but apparently you can read at a 5th grade level. See kids, this is why stereotyping is wrong. Hey wait a minute, you spelled "weeks" obviously wrong. I guess I'll allow it because you made everyone realize it might not be such a...

...big deal. This dude was kicked in the head by a horse, right? That's the only thing that I think can explain the last nine lines of that rant. Well, that or fetal alcohol syndrome.

So there you have it folks. Just keep in mind that the CEO of the company that distributes Cocaine feels that his customer base is not on drugs. And I'll be willing to take him at his word, so long as he also mentions that obviously their parents were.


Slammnardo said...

My personal favorite is Nickkk the obviously 14 year old want to be thug suburban kid with his backwards hat down low who LOVES COCAINE.

Epidimos said...

my favorite is Unto the Dawn of Darkness. If this isn't living, walking, breathing, myspace-ing proof that humans will destroy themselves soon, I don't know what is.

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