Thursday, March 29, 2007

Steve Swindal Previews the AL East


Hey out there in blog land! It's me, Steve Swindal, former heir apparent to the New York Yankees empire. Now, as you may or may not be aware, my life seems to have hit a bit of a "bump in the road," as my wife Jennifer decided to file for divorce from me, likely stemming from the little mishap I had earlier in the month, though I steadfastly maintain my innocence.

But hey, everything is going to work out for Steve; my good friend Bushido was nice enough to let me sleep on his couch. All I had to do for him was write the AL East preview he was supposed to do this week, but was way too busy to handle. He told me that my "insider" perspective would be invaluable to his 18 million daily readers. And, since I had no place else to go (you'd be surprised how mad your family members get when you blow the chance to run the Yankees for all eternity), below are my predictions for the best division in baseball, the AL East.

1st Place - Boston Red Sox - Boston is the clear cut division champion for one reason; chemistry. Boston has the type of team chemistry that wouldn't implode after a stupid arrest that I am completely innocent of. Plus, the Sox went ahead and picked themselves up a nice, docile, obedient Asian who would never dream of publicly disgracing her husband like this. Hmmm...I wonder if the owner of the Nippon Ham Fighters has a daughter.

2nd Place - Toronto Blue Jays - Why will Toronto finish in second? Simple; they know how to weather a storm. Rather than coming to pieces after a scuffle between John Gibbons and Ted Lilly, the team instead rallied to finish in second place. Imagine that? Something that doesn't come apart after a stupid fucking argument. If only everything in life worked like that.

3rd Place
- Baltimore Orioles -
Does Peter Angelos have a daughter? Is she married? Anybody?

4th Place - Tampa Bay Devil Rays - Tampa is a young, fresh faced team, one that hasn't yet been worn down by a cruel bitch of a wife and her overbearing father. Ah, to be young again, to go back in time and not repeat all the mistakes of the past. My high school sweetheart Suzy wouldn't have abandoned me like this.

5th Place
- The New York SLUT WHORES -
YOU BITCH! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME!?

oh god, what did i do to deserve this...i'm so sorry jennifer, i'm so sorry, i'm so...
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Editor's Note: I awoke this morning to find Mr. Swindal passed out in a pool of his own vomit on my bathroom floor. I hustled him to his feet and put him on a bus to the nearest homeless shelter; I can ill afford to have a nut case like him hanging around. Ironically, while cleaning up the mess of Alexi Vodka and rubbing alcohol bottles he left on my table, I found this tear stained preview. I apologize if its content offended any of our readers.

5 comments:

Slammnardo said...

Me: "You shouldn't let Bushido do the AL East preview, he's just going to shit all over the Yankees and get nothing accomplished in the preview."

Pulp: "Nah, we decided that shitting on the Yankees was too easy."

Bushido: "Nah, I'm not going to shit all over the Yankees."

Pulp said...

Steve Swindal is no longer a Yankee. I see no problem here.

The Blonde Menace said...

HAHAHAHAHA HAM FIGHTERS!!! I LOVE THAT!!!

And I tried to access that website, waycoolstuff.com or whatever, and my place of work blocked it saying I couldn’t access the site b/c it had content related to PORNOGRAPHY & DRUGS. All in caps, just like that, as if drugs and porn are a bad thing. Is this all you do in your spare time Bushido? Take drugs and look at porn? Shameful.

Sideshow said...

Oh how far the mighty have fallen. I mean, he wasn't really that mighty in the first place, but for the sake of argument we'll just go ahead and say that he was. On the plus side, I'm now sleeping with his wife and smoking cigars with his ex-father in-law. And to think this whole time I thought all those Seinfeld episodes were being facetious.

Epidimos said...

steve swindal, you sly dog, passed out in your own vomit. you're back on the fast track to success already!