Thursday, March 22, 2007

Negotiations (All Funky Hebrew Subject to Spelling)

As we speak, the sports Gods are into heavy negotiations with regl'r God regarding the fate of yours truly. You see, Astros opening day falls on the second of April at 6:05 in the evening and that week, we of the Jewish begin eight days of Humutz-free life.

Uncle Joe's Seder starts at roughly sundown and ends around nine, a cover for the length of one three hour, nin inning baseball game. Oi vey! How Fortuna has forsaken my ass. I'll be sneezing horseradish and down under three cups of wine during the seventh inning stretch, thinking about how lucky I was that Sideshow's momma grabbed tickets to Opening Day only to be thwarted by the acetic hand of an asshole Pharoah, in this case known as Bud Selig.

So Koufax misses pitching a game in the series to atone. I'm losing out on Opening Day here! something I've never done before! I'm a guy who has a closet full of sports memorabilia that includes a 1958 Lookouts signed baseball (including Bobby Allison, Harmon Killebrew and Johnny Red Marion), a 1968 Rose Bowl ticket (where OJ Simpson destroyed IU), and 1980 Astros World Series tickets that never happened! Zulsta voxen be a chandelier zulsta changen brennen! I've gotten Hank Aaron, Barry Bonds, Bob Feller, Ernie Banks, Lou Boudreau!

I open the floor to commentary. The Jews don't really believe in eternal damnation. I'm not much of a man for metaphysical punishment. But just to be on the safe side, how much penalty is the first game of the season worth in soul here? We talking about thiry, forty, fifty lashings?

-Rabbi Tex

4 comments:

Bushido Brown said...

just fly out to new york and come to my seder...we just skip to the important parts; the vino...

Pulp said...

Like we were ever good Jews. Go to the game.

Epidimos said...

Bad Jews, but good Fans. Baseball is your religion, my friend. Make the right choice...

Sideshow said...

At first, I was all ethnocentric. "Why the hell do you damn Jews have to have a holiday when all the cool shit's happening?! Can't you just celebrate Christmas like the rest of us?!" Then I cooled down and was okay with it. Then I tried to hand the tickets off to someone else but EVERYONE ELSE is busy that day. So, it's either calling to you or I'm going with someone else. I think you know what you should do, WEJ. I mean, remember, you're WEJ. You know what that means, right?