Monday, March 12, 2007

Motherfuckin' Rangers

About two weeks ago, I decided I was through with the Rangers. They had lost to the Flyers and the Blue Jackets in the same week and almost lost to the Blues shortly after that. But like any true masochist, I kept paying attention. And things started looking a little up. They beat the Islanders twice in a row and managed to somehow grab hold of the 8th seed in the playoffs.

Then this weekend came and all hell broke loose.

The Rangers showed their ability to roll over and die with a Saturday afternoon overtime loss to the Penguins. Holding a 2-0 lead in the second period, the Rangers had three consecutive power plays without a shot. Just a 6 minutes of dawdling around on the right side of the ice, acting like the left side was hot lava or poison or that game Mutant League Hockey, where sometimes there was thin ice and you would fall through it, thus killing your player. What a great game. You could win by literally killing so many of your opponents that they forfeited.

But I'm off track. The Penguins predictably came back to tie in the third by running a real power play. This, along with my shitty internet feed caused me to immediately turn off the game and think about fucking Carl Pavano's fiancee. Then I turned it back on in overtime, only to see a tired, sluggish Rangers unit lose it right when I turned the game on. "Well," I thought, "we've got Carolina tomorrow, which can only mean the start of another long and frustrating slide." So I went to see Jena Malone again, felt awkward in hip city Brooklyn and then saw The Host. More on that later.

Then, on Sunday, something magical happened. The Rangers blew another lead and wasted a number of power play chances with their special brand of ineptitude and had to go to overtime against the Hurricanes. But they toughed it out and put it on the Swedish shoulders of King Henrik, who needed only to make two saves. Matt Cullen and Jaromir Jagr took care of the rest, giving the Rangers the win and the season series with Carolina (important for tiebreaking).

So when I woke up this morning, somehow, both the Knicks and Rangers were in the playoffs. Can we maybe end the season right now? No? Fine, fuck you. If you'll excuse me, I have to go separate 800 Jews into first and last name categories so that the Bronx BP can suck up to them. I think I'll think about Carl Pavano's fiancee while I do it.

Christ I hate Carl Pavano.


Slammnardo said...

You hate the Yankees, so what is there to hate Carl Pavano about? You should love him because of the way he's tortured us over the last two years.

Pulp said...

That's all there is to like about him. He's fucking Hometown Hottie material and has made 20 million dollars simply on the basis of his breathing.

I'm a government schmuck making 32 grand a year fucking homeless women and passed out grade school children. There's plenty for me to hate there.

Matthew said...

Carl Pavano is a waste of life. Now he needs another surgery?!?! He should donate his salary to charity.