Monday, March 19, 2007

The Art of Shit Talking

I am an expert shit talker. If I'm involved in beer pong, inevitably someone will want to fight me at the end of the night. I don't mean most of what I say, but I do know how to stream a constant whirl of nonsense into someone's head until they're affected. Me and Dan Arrigo once threw a girl totally off her game because we made fun of her mullet. Over and over and over. And over. Now I'm taking my show on the fantasy baseball road. I'll provide updates of my best stuff as the season goes on. Here's my opening salvo, posted on the league message board.

I promise when I win I will drive my car on your lawn a la George Bush in the Simpsons. I promise I will ring your doorbell and set fire to your house. Now for some individual shit talk.

Greg: Your name oughta be ArodSlappyHappyPappy. That's what I'm calling you from now on.

Scott: If there were an uglier man on this planet he'd ya daddy.

Natia: You a girl. And I love you. Of course, I also love tetanus.

Nick: Freddy Sanchez gonna bat .220.

Egelman: It's not so much that your team sucks, it's more that you suck. By the way, the Ghost of John Patterson's talent is wandering around my apartment, you may wanna catch it.

Roids: I don't know you, but I hate you.

Milk: I hear ya breath stank like a Applebee's desert.

Dry Hump: Two words - Juan Pierre is worse than a knife wound.

Fire and Flame: You more like water and sewage. By that I mean your liquid properties make you weak and make me wretch.

If there were ever a better shit talker, I'd spit in his eye.

1 comment:

Ush said...

I hope the worst things in life happen to you and only you!